Three Beliefs That Hold You Back

I’ve listened to hundreds of men and women talk about their biggest fears and their most exciting triumphs. They have spoken about the things that bring the most joy into their lives, and that which creates clouds of discontent.

Through these privileged conversations, I have detected a common thread. A set of core of beliefs that lead to frustration and self-doubt. Conclusions that many people accept as basic truths about what needs to happen in life so that they can be happy. So they can be successful. That life can be richly enjoyed and filled with purpose.

When we rid ourselves of these unrealistic expectations, we become more receptive to the joys of life. We feel much freer. 

Let’s look at just three of these toxic beliefs and what can be done to reduce their influence.

Unrealistic Expectations

One: “I have to (fill in the blank) or I will never be happy.”

The first step in discarding this pernicious idea requires a re-evaluation of what you ‘must’ achieve.

I’ve known people who firmly believed they needed to have a multimillion-dollar net worth in order to have a full and happy life.

Others claimed they needed a graduate degree, or to own a home, win greater professional recognition, or marry their high school sweetheart.

None of these are bad aspirations, but failing to obtain them does not doom you to a life of misery and insignificance.

Mother Teresa, for example, was not a multimillionaire. And Clarence Darryl, one of America’s most famous attorneys, never graduated from law school.

The point is that while goals can inspire and enrich your life, they can also become a distorted lens through which you view yourself.

Two: “I deserve…”  Then fill in the rest of the sentence. It may be “I deserve to have that job” or “I deserve to have that nicer car” or I deserve to have that person’s affection.”  This thought is often followed by “If I don’t obtain it, then life is not fair.”

When we feel as though something we deserve has been kept outside our reach, resentment is likely to grow.

And why wouldn’t it? If we deserve something, then naturally we are inclined to expect that we will eventually possess that thing/status/object. But what happens when it remains outside our reach? Resentment takes root.

As Anne Lamott has written, “Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.”  

Resentment is not a good companion to travel with on the road of life. It constantly complains, injects bitterness into otherwise happy occasions, and can easily lead one to feel as though he or she is a victim.

Instead of approaching life with a sense of what you deserve, focus on gratitude for what you have. That may include friendships, family, health, opportunities, a job, a beautiful sunset, a meal, etc.

Then take a deep breath, and focus on savoring the present, struggles included. Your current effort and toil become part of your life story and will make later success all the sweeter.

Look around at what others have had to do to win in their careers and personal life. Gain perspective. Be humble. Reaching big goals requires hard work. Setbacks along the way are inevitable. And many of the things we desire, are not necessarily things we deserve.

Three: “I have a nagging feeling that I am not enough. In some important ways, I am fundamentally lacking. Just looking at my social media tells me others are successful and happy… so what’s wrong with me?”

My advice for someone who struggles with this distortion (closely related to the “Imposter Syndrome”) is to stop with the comparisons. Stay away from Facebook (go cold turkey, start a Facebook Anonymous group, whatever it takes, but stop comparing your life to that of others).

Do a ‘cleansing fast’ of Instagram.

Take a break, a very long break, from social media. 

Now that you have more time in your life, devote it to building deep, genuine relationships with a small number of friends and family.

They will value you for who you are, warts and all. These relationships should convince you that, like all of humanity, you really are lacking, and paradoxically you really are still ‘enough.’  

Good enough to be loved, good enough to be valued, and good enough to bring joy into the lives of others.

Conclusion

To live life to the fullest we must overcome those obstacles that hold us back. Some of these obstacles include the thoughts we embrace. Thoughts we unthinkingly assume to be true.

Once we begin to notice these thoughts, and challenge them, new paths for pursuing a full and rewarding life begin to open up. This takes a little work, but the rewards make the effort well worthwhile.

Take a moment to see if any of the barriers to happiness listed above might apply to you. Don’t spend another day struggling with unrealistic expectations that hold you back. Push them aside, and see how much happier life can be.