Practical insights and advice regarding anxiety, depression, trauma, parenting and more.
When someone overthinks their problems and worries, it can feel like a reasonable thing to do… but it’s the 100% wrong way to go if you want to be rid of depression. It may seem that focusing on your concerns will eventually lead to more insight, or a solution. Most often, however, people just end up feeling worse. Stuck in a depressive state of mind. Fortunately, getting unstuck takes just a few simple steps.
Raising children has never been easy, but parents today face unique challenges. And the stakes could not be higher, as reflected in the rising rates of anxiety, depression, and suicidal among both children and teens over the past 20 years.
It is the nature of infancy and toddlerhood that narcissism reigns supreme. People are born as little bundles of narcissistic impulses and desires.
This is a natural phase of growing up.
At some point, however, as children mature, a shift in perspective takes place. An awareness develops in a child that he, or she, is not the center of the universe.
Additionally, an ability to control emotions begins to take root. Tantrums become less frequent. Frustration with not getting one’s own way lessens. Feeling hurt because others disagree with you becomes less frequent.
These are signs that the narcissism of infancy and toddlerhood is beginning to fade. An appreciation for others and their well-being .expands.
Parents smile as they recognize that their child is on the way to becoming a mature adult. In time, the narcissistic impulses of the earlier years will be replaced with the qualities of a fully grown man or woman.
But this is not always true. Some children remain entrenched within their narcissistic cocoon. Emotionally, they remain convinced they are the gravitational center of every relationship.
Narcissism occurs when this view persists and becomes crystallized as part of one’s adult personality.
A formal diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder requires that an individual be found to have at least five of the following nine characteristics:
A grandiose sense of self-importance
A fixation with fantasies of infinite success, control, brilliance, beauty, or idyllic love
A belief that he or she is extraordinary and exceptional and can only be understood by, or should connect with, other extraordinary or important people or institutions
A desire for unwarranted admiration
A sense of entitlement
Interpersonally oppressive behavior
Lacking empathy
Deep resentment of others, or a conviction that others are resentful of him or her
Egotistical and conceited behaviors or attitudes
To be fair, each of us has some of these characteristics to some degree. It is an unfortunate aspect of being human.
What sets narcissists apart, however, is the depth and consistency with which they embrace these qualities. The narcissist, for example, does not simply have a rare weak moment in which feeling special and superior comes to the forefront.
Instead, this is a core perspective that guides much of their daily life. Narcissists know they are special. They feel it deep in their souls.
And they need it to be true. Desperately. (This is an essential point to understand which we’ll return to in just a moment).
To reassure themself that they are special narcissists incessantly remind others of just how exceptional they are… and how lucky you are to be within their social orbit.
These efforts are an essential part of maintaining the delusion of grandeur.
A common misperception, however, is that narcissists do this by incessantly bragging. That is only sometimes true.
More often their attempts to impress do not involve bragging at all but instead, come across in the way they highlight their importance, or status, within the fabric of everyday conversations.
An example may help.
Shortly after entering graduate school, I became friendly with another student. Let’s call him Jules (not his actual name). One day Jules stopped me while I was heading to class. In a conspiratorial tone, he leaned in and said “Forrest, I’ve been giving this a lot of thought and I would like to get your phone number.”
Jules paused, looking satisfied with himself. Not waiting for a reply he lowered his voice and confided “To tell you the truth I really don’t ask many people for their contact information, but I’ve sized you up…”
Another hesitation, followed by a knowing expression and a raised eyebrow “Yes, I’ve made some mental notes, and I’ve concluded that you stand apart from the other graduate students that entered our program this year.”
Jules then took a step back, spread his arms and smiled broadly as though he had just nominated me for a prestigious award. With a flourish he reached into the breast pocket of his sports coat and produced a slim palm-sized book. “So I’m going to add your number to my phone book. And I’m not talking about my regular phone book. No, I want your number for my black book… that’s the one reserved for just a few special friends.”
You see what’s happening in that brief request? Jules’ narcissistic perspective of himself as special is reflected in his describing:
The deep thinking that needed to be applied before adding someone to his contact list
The fact that not everyone ‘makes the grade’ and is put on this list
And that for others to be a part of his world, they too need to be special.
When you are on the receiving end of this behavior you will find it either flattering, or vaguely creepy (this landed squarely in the creepy category).
Although narcissists behave as though they are confident in their superiority the truth is very different. Insecurity is the norm. Confidence is paper thin.
The slightest insult can ignite a gnawing sense of distress. A social snub can lead to full-blown panic.
What most would consider a minor disagreement the narcissist experiences a brutal disregard for his or her well-being.
This is because the narcissist’s self-worth depends on having their grandiose views constantly confirmed. Anything that contradicts their perception of being exceptional is threatening.
These extreme reactions occur because narcissists lack a realistic sense of their worth.
They live having to balance a fundamental paradox: I’m special and extraordinary but this is only true when others treat me as special and extraordinary.
When others fail to behave in ways that support their grandiosity the narcissist becomes terrified. His or her core sense of identity feels under attack. The core of what makes them who they are is shaken.
To regain a sense of security the narcissist responds by lashing out. It’s as though they feel if only the person who has challenged their grandiosity can be cut down and diminished, then whatever that person has said or done will not matter so much. The threat won’t be valid. It will lose its impact.
After being on the receiving end of these narcissistic reactions one may (out of pity, exhaustion, or both) apologize. At first this will suffice. The narcissist will feel mollified.
But eventually the same thing will happen again. An apology will not suffice when you’ve become a repeat offender.
Begging forgiveness is the next step. For the narcissist, having someone ask for forgiveness is emotional ambrosia.
Not only does this mean the threat to their feeling special has been beaten back, but now the narcissist is in a position of power.
He or she takes control of the relationship by possessing the healing nectar of forgiveness. It is theirs to give and thereby restore harmony, or to deny and keep the other person in their debt.
I frequently get asked what someone can do if they are in a romantic relationship with a narcissist. My answer is ‘Head for the exit. Quickly.’
The reason for this response is that narcissists seldom change. It is exceedingly rare for a narcissist to change because it requires acknowledging the very thing they find so terrifying: admitting that they are not special.
And worse, it requires that they also acknowledge that they have major failings. Heart stabbing, serious shortcomings.
That is the very opposite of being exceptional. Embracing this idea threatens their core identity. What they have based their life on (their exceptionality) needs to be given up. Not many people are willing to make that type of sacrifice.
Although many narcissists struggle with depression and anxiety due to the problems their narcissism creates, this is seldom enough to motivate them to change.
Instead, they will have moments of repentance, or go to therapy for a short time, but upon starting to feel a little better they end their efforts and return to their old ways.
So, what should you do if you are single and the object of your romantic affection is a narcissist? Head for the nearest exit.
Do so with grace, with kindness, without rancor, but cut the cord and get the hell out of Dodge.
The narcissist will accuse you of being cruel, selfish, and possessing many other unsavory qualities. You will be tempted to stay because the narcissist will be hurt and feel vulnerable.
Ignore all of that. Don’t look back. Remember the fate of Lot's wife… block of salt, right? You don’t want that for yourself.
You cannot fix the narcissist, but you can move on. And when you do, and gain some distance, you’ll realize that you did the only thing that made sense.
Socially awkward? Not sure what to do when meeting new people? Conversations don’t come naturally? Trouble connecting at a deeper more meaningful level? In group settings you frequently feel as though you are on the outside looking in? Not to worry. With a little effort, a streak of persistence, and some common sense strategies, you can go from socially awkward to socially savvy in no time at all.
Building a life of greater purpose and meaning is an overlooked path for overcoming depression and anxiety. Many people struggle to find solutions to disruptive mood disorders, not realizing that the solutions they are attempting will only minimally help because they have not corrected the fundamental concern.
When therapists refer to someone as depressed they have something much more severe and more specific in mind than simple sadness. In this guide, we will explore some of the different ways depression can rear its head, as well as some of the most effective treatment approaches that can be used to help one overcome depression.
Many men and women fear becoming close, they have anxiety about forming intimate romantic relationships. As a result they spend much of their lives feeling frustrated, isolated and alone. Knowing what to look for at the beginning of a romantic relationship, the signs that tell you it is headed in a healthy direction, can reduce these fears. and open the door to genuine intimacy.
Pulling back the curtain on those secret places of the heart is both exciting and painful. Vulnerability is required. This is the price that must be paid to seize the prize of deep and mature intimacy with another.
Most men and women yearn for this type of connection. This in turn makes it a very odd thing that despite the value with which such intimacy is held so few people appear to understand how to build it, and just as important, how it can be maintained.
Finding a soulmate is wonderful in the same way that it would be terrific to discover the fountain of youth, or stumble upon the City of Gold, or make friends with mermaids. Great fun to think about in the same way that many fantasies are enjoyable. But judging romantic relationships by how they measure up to some mythical soulmate status is sure to create disappointment and heartache. There are better ways to approach this task, and they are all grounded in reality.
Bad Boys make great characters for movies and novels. In real life, however, they seldom make wonderful boyfriends, let alone husbands. Even so, some women find themselves repeatedly entering into relationships with just this type of man, even though it invariably ends with heartache. Understanding what drives this impulse can be the first step to making healthier decisions, and enjoying more rewarding relationships.
Infidelity occurs within many relationships, and has one common outcome: trust is broken. Without trust it is not possible to build a vibrant endruing sense of intimacy. Can this essential foundation be rebuilt is the foremost question to answer when determining how to respond after discovering the person you love has betrayed your trust.
The intensity and unpredictability of panic attacks cause many to believe that there is nothing that they can do to turn the situation around. They feel helpless and end up retreating from activities that had once brought them great satisfaction if not joy. If you are one of these folks, here is some good news: panic attacks can be overcome.
Chronic nightmares are exhausting. For most, nightmares are a rare event. But for those with a history of trauma, nightmares can be a constant battle.
This makes sleep difficult, which in turn depletes the energy and concentration needed for the day ahead. Eventually the combination of nightmares and lack of restorative sleep can lead to anxiety and depression.1
Several ways to reduce nightmares have been studied and show promise. A recent publication looked at combining two of these interventions. The combined approach is termed Narrative Enhanced Imagery Rehearsal (N-IRT). The results are promising.2
Let's begin by looking at the main elements of this approach. This will help you better understand the rationale that underlies this therapy.
We will end with a look at how you can apply these same principles at home.
Narrative Enhanced Imagery Rehearsal Therapy (N-IRT) is a novel approach to treating chronic nightmares, particularly in veterans with PTSD. Although the focus of this therapy has been with veterans, it applies equally well to anyone suffering from nightmares, especially those associated with PTSD.
N-IRT combines elements of two therapies: Imagery Rehearsal Therapy (IRT) and Narrative Therapy (NT). Patients meet with a therapist one or two times in order to clearly write down the thematic details of reoccurring nightmares.
The next step involves rewriting the “nightmare script” with the aim of injecting new themes. This includes externalizing certain aspects of the problem. For example, instead of discussing “my nightmare” the patient is encouraged to think of it as ‘the nightmare” (to not make it into a personal extension of him or herself).
Metaphors can also be useful to achieve this sort of distancing. Instead of referring to “my reoccurring nightmares” the patient is encouraged to think of it as “a frequent uninvited guest” or even to give the nightmare a name. Again, the idea being to put psychological distance between the nightmare and patient’s core identity.
To help patients gain a greater sense of personal agency, the therapist directs them to select what nightmare they would like to work on and then provides a schedule of mentally rehearsing the positively altered nightmare.
What’s more, patients are told to select each night what nightmare will appear during their sleep. Although this provides no guarantees, it shifts the patient’s frame of reference from being a passive victim haunted by a ruthless nightmare to being the hunter seeking out its tormentor.
This approach is effective because it directly rewires how the brain processes nightmares. Instead of just hoping the nightmares go away, you actively reshape them, while also building a sense of personal agency or control.
Now you know the general rationale for N-IRT. It’s time to move on to look at how you can apply this approach for yourself.
Step 1: Identify Your Recurring Nightmare
Think about the nightmare that bothers you the most. Write down the details, including what happens, who is involved, and how it makes you feel.
Step 2: Rewrite the Nightmare
Now, change the story. Rewrite it in a way that makes you feel strong, in control, and safe. This might include:
• Change the ending so that you overcome the threat.
• Add a protector—someone or something that helps you feel safe.
• If there is a specific tormentor, change them into a pathetic or comical character
• Make the setting brighter, calmer, or more peaceful.
• Give the nightmare a name, one that reinforces the idea that it is not a part of your identity, nor overpowering
Step 3: Rehearse Your New Dream Every Day
Practice visualizing your new, improved version of the dream. Spend 5-10 minutes a day imagining the rewritten dream in vivid detail. The more you do this, the more your brain will start accepting this new version as the dominant one.
Step 4: Write It Down and Read It Before Bed
Keep a notebook near your bed and read over your new dream before sleeping. This helps reinforce the changes and prepares your mind for a more positive dream experience.
Step 5: Check In with Yourself After a Few Weeks
As I’ve written many times before regarding positive psychological change, it seldom occurs all in a flash. Seeing results from your efforts is likely going to take a few weeks.
To make the most of your efforts you need to keep a simple record of the nights when you have had nightmares and rate their intensity (a 0 to 10 scale works well).
Then, set a date to review your progress.
Three or four weeks out from the start of your efforts should work well.
This review should focus on answering the following questions:
• Are my nightmares less frequent?
• Are they less intense?
• When nightmares do occur, do I feel more in control, and less panicked?
• Overall, has my sleep improved?
Nightmares occur for everyone. But when they become chronic (as often happens after trauma) they deserve attention. You need to fight back.
The approach described in this article is straightforward and requires little time to carry out. Yet, early research suggests it can be very effective.
Don’t be held captive by nightmares. Take the time and make the effort to push back in order to win peace of mind and a better night’s sleep.
Reference
1 Sleep Foundation. (2024, May 2). Why We Have Nightmares (And How to Prevent Them). https://www.sleepfoundation.org/nightmares
2 Wagner, A. M., Richards, A., Chiros, C., Thuras, P., Parsons, E. C., Oien, A. D., Schenck, C. H., & Irfan, M. (2023). A retrospective pilot study of imagery rehearsal therapy enhanced with narrative therapy principles for the treatment of nightmares in US military veterans. Sleep Science, 16(4), 439-445.
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