Breaking Free from Nightmares

Nightmares

Chronic nightmares are exhausting. For most, nightmares are a rare event. But for those with a history of trauma, nightmares can be a constant battle.

This makes sleep difficult, which in turn depletes the energy and concentration needed for the day ahead. Eventually the combination of nightmares and lack of restorative sleep can lead to anxiety and depression.1

Several ways to reduce nightmares have been studied and show promise. A recent publication looked at combining two of these interventions. The combined approach is termed Narrative Enhanced Imagery Rehearsal (N-IRT). The results are promising.2

Let's begin by looking at the main elements of this approach. This will help you better understand the rationale that underlies this therapy.

We will end with a look at how you can apply these same principles at home.

Narrative Enhanced Imagery Rehearsal (N-IRT)

Narrative Enhanced Imagery Rehearsal Therapy (N-IRT) is a novel approach to treating chronic nightmares, particularly in veterans with PTSD. Although the focus of this therapy has been with veterans, it applies equally well to anyone suffering from nightmares, especially those associated with PTSD.

N-IRT combines elements of two therapies: Imagery Rehearsal Therapy (IRT) and Narrative Therapy (NT). Patients meet with a therapist one or two times in order to clearly write down the thematic details of reoccurring nightmares.

The next step involves rewriting the “nightmare script” with the aim of injecting new themes. This includes externalizing certain aspects of the problem. For example, instead of discussing “my nightmare” the patient is encouraged to think of it as ‘the nightmare” (to not make it into a personal extension of him or herself).

Metaphors can also be useful to achieve this sort of distancing. Instead of referring to “my reoccurring nightmares” the patient is encouraged to think of it as “a frequent uninvited guest” or even to give the nightmare a name. Again, the idea being to put psychological distance between the nightmare and patient’s core identity.

To help patients gain a greater sense of personal agency, the therapist directs them to select what nightmare they would like to work on and then provides a schedule of mentally rehearsing the positively altered nightmare.

What’s more, patients are told to select each night what nightmare will appear during their sleep. Although this provides no guarantees, it shifts the patient’s frame of reference from being a passive victim haunted by a ruthless nightmare to being the hunter seeking out its tormentor.

This approach is effective because it directly rewires how the brain processes nightmares. Instead of just hoping the nightmares go away, you actively reshape them, while also building a sense of personal agency or control.

Step-by-Step Guide to Using N-IRT for Yourself

Now you know the general rationale for N-IRT. It’s time to move on to look at how you can apply this approach for yourself.

Step 1: Identify Your Recurring Nightmare

Think about the nightmare that bothers you the most. Write down the details, including what happens, who is involved, and how it makes you feel.

Step 2: Rewrite the Nightmare

Now, change the story. Rewrite it in a way that makes you feel strong, in control, and safe. This might include:

• Change the ending so that you overcome the threat.

• Add a protector—someone or something that helps you feel safe.

• If there is a specific tormentor, change them into a pathetic or comical character

• Make the setting brighter, calmer, or more peaceful.

• Give the nightmare a name, one that reinforces the idea that it is not a part of your identity, nor overpowering

Step 3: Rehearse Your New Dream Every Day

Practice visualizing your new, improved version of the dream. Spend 5-10 minutes a day imagining the rewritten dream in vivid detail. The more you do this, the more your brain will start accepting this new version as the dominant one.

Step 4: Write It Down and Read It Before Bed

Keep a notebook near your bed and read over your new dream before sleeping. This helps reinforce the changes and prepares your mind for a more positive dream experience.

Step 5: Check In with Yourself After a Few Weeks

As I’ve written many times before regarding positive psychological change, it seldom occurs all in a flash. Seeing results from your efforts is likely going to take a few weeks.

To make the most of your efforts you need to keep a simple record of the nights when you have had nightmares and rate their intensity (a 0 to 10 scale works well).

Then, set a date to review your progress.

Three or four weeks out from the start of your efforts should work well.

This review should focus on answering the following questions:

• Are my nightmares less frequent?

• Are they less intense?

• When nightmares do occur, do I feel more in control, and less panicked?

• Overall, has my sleep improved?

Summing Up

Nightmares occur for everyone. But when they become chronic (as often happens after trauma) they deserve attention. You need to fight back.

The approach described in this article is straightforward and requires little time to carry out. Yet, early research suggests it can be very effective.

Don’t be held captive by nightmares. Take the time and make the effort to push back in order to win peace of mind and a better night’s sleep.

Reference

1 Sleep Foundation. (2024, May 2). Why We Have Nightmares (And How to Prevent Them). https://www.sleepfoundation.org/nightmares

2 Wagner, A. M., Richards, A., Chiros, C., Thuras, P., Parsons, E. C., Oien, A. D., Schenck, C. H., & Irfan, M. (2023). A retrospective pilot study of imagery rehearsal therapy enhanced with narrative therapy principles for the treatment of nightmares in US military veterans. Sleep Science, 16(4), 439-445.

The Silent Impact of Loneliness: How to Build Connections That Truly Matter

Loneliness

A great number of people are profoundly and painfully lonely. This feeling follows them throughout the day and into each evening. Like a shadow that cannot be outrun, it sometimes stretches into a long grotesque caricature of the future.

According to the American Psychological Association, 60% of U.S. adults report feelings of loneliness at some point, with young adults aged 18 to 25 feeling it most acutely. If you’ve ever felt that pang of isolation and wondered why it hurts so much—or better yet, how to overcome it—you’re not alone.

In the following paragraphs, we take a look at what loneliness really is, how it affects our well-being and different ways to push back against this aching sense of torment.

Is Loneliness the Same as Isolation?

Though they often go hand-in-hand, loneliness and isolation are distinct. Isolation is a physical state—being alone or cut off from others. Loneliness, on the other hand, is an emotional perception. A subjective feeling of disconnection, even when surrounded by others.

A 2018 study by Julianne Holt-Lunstad found that loneliness, rather than physical isolation, carries a greater risk of early mortality.

She compared groups of people who were socially isolated to those who felt significant loneliness. Her research revealed that loneliness increases the risk of death by 26%, a statistic comparable to smoking 15 cigarettes a day (Holt-Lunstad et al., 2018).

Loneliness is not about one’s proximity to others, but instead emerges from a sense of severed connectedness with others.

The Origins of Loneliness

Loneliness doesn’t simply “happen.” It often has deep-seated roots. For some, loneliness begins in childhood or adolescence, forming within the crucible of insecure attachments or dysfunctional family relationships.

Others enter loneliness after experiencing major life events such as a divorce, moving to another city, or the death of a loved one.

Social media can also act as a gateway to loneliness. The curated images of others’ seemingly perfect lives showered with attention and meaningful friendships serve as a constant reminder of what is lacking in our own.

And sometimes loneliness grows in the arid soil created by the lack of genuinely good friendships.

Studies show that it’s the quality—not quantity—of relationships that has the biggest impact on our emotional well-being (Pinquart & Sörensen, 2001). This means you could have 500 “friends” on social media and still feel very much alone.

Practical Ways to Reduce Loneliness

For anyone feeling trapped in the pit of loneliness, it’s important to know that simple changes can make dramatic differences Yes, this can take some time. It certainly requires persistence. But for those who muster the tenacity to follow these steps, it nearly always results in the growth of more meaningful and fulfilling connections with others.

1. Reframe Your Perspective on Social Interactions Many people who feel lonely carry negative expectations into social situations. Self-fulfilling outcomes often arise from one’s belief that people won’t be interested in them, or that they will not fit in with new acquaintances.

You can guard against this by starting small, and trying to approach social situations with open mind. Studies have shown that challenging your internal dialogue can reduce feelings of loneliness over time (Masi et al., 2011).

2. Focus Your Relationship Energies Rather than aiming to expand your entire social circle, focus on deepening one or two existing relationships. This could mean reconnecting with an old friend or dedicating time to someone you already know but would like to get closer to. Quality over quantity is key.

3. Engage in Shared Activities Joining community groups, classes, or clubs allows you to connect with people who share similar interests. Shared interests mean you start a relationship with something in common. Whether it’s a book club, volunteer group, or yoga class, having common ground fosters connections.

Research shows that people who engage in group activities feel more connected and satisfied in their lives. This is especially true for older adults, who may experience higher levels of social isolation (Haslam et al., 2014).

4. Seek Support Through Therapy As mentioned earlier, loneliness sometimes arises as a result of early life experiences. If this is true for you, then therapy is a natural solution for discovering those connections, and learning how to push the past aside opening the way for a very different future.

5. Limit Social Media A growing body of research shows a link between heavy social media use and increased feelings of loneliness and depression. A study by Primack et al. (2017) found that people who spent more than two hours a day on social media were twice as likely to report feeling socially isolated.

6. Volunteer Acts of service help us shift the focus from our own loneliness to the needs of others. Research by Piliavin & Siegl (2007) found that people who volunteered regularly reported greater life satisfaction and fewer feelings of isolation. Helping others cultivates a deeper sense of purpose. What’s more, it often introduces us to like-minded people.

7. Deepen Your Faith Life Saint John of the Cross described the “dark night of the soul.” A deep sense of abandonment arising from the experience of God’s absence and leading one to feel painfully alone.

Along similar lines the philosopher Søren Kierkegaard believed that loneliness is an existential call, an invitation for men and women to confront life’s meaning and seek deeper spiritual understanding. He believed that isolation could awaken a longing for eternal truth and connection.

From this perspective, loneliness is the threshold through which one can enter into greater spiritual growth.

Using the difficult chapters in life as a means for deepening one’s faith is a very old practice. Loneliness, like many other hardships in life, can lead to a richer faith life and this, in turn, often results in a greater sense of connection.

Research in neuroscience supports this idea, showing that prayer and meditation stimulate brain areas linked to social bonding, such as the prefrontal cortex. Faith-based practices often reduce feelings of loneliness by fostering a sense of divine companionship, alleviating emotional pain, and promoting a sense of well-being.

Final Thoughts

Being human means you will experience loneliness. But this need not be a permanent feature of your life. By taking small, deliberate steps, as just described, you can find a renewed sense of purpose and connection with others.

At first, the effort required to succeed may feel daunting. Ignore those feelings. They are not accurate reflections of what you can expect if you tenaciously continue on the path.

Don’t shy away from taking steps that feel risky. Instead, be smart in how you move forward, putting focused energy into doing the hard work that’s required, and enjoy the promise of experiencing better days ahead.

References

Cacioppo, J. T., & Cacioppo, S. (2018). The growing problem of loneliness. Nature Neuroscience, 22(2), 126–129.

Haslam, C., Jetten, J., Cruwys, T., Dingle, G., & Haslam, S. A. (2014). Group memberships protect against future depression, alleviate depression symptoms, and prevent depression relapse. Social Science & Medicine, 103, 90-99.

Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., Baker, M., Harris, T., & Stephenson, D. (2015). Loneliness and social isolation as risk factors for mortality: A meta-analytic review. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 10(2), 227–237.

Masi, C. M., Chen, H. Y., Hawkley, L. C., & Cacioppo, J. T. (2011). A meta-analysis of interventions to reduce loneliness. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 15(3), 219-266.

Pinquart, M., & Sörensen, S. (2001). Influences on loneliness in older adults: A meta-analysis. Basic and Applied Social Psychology, 23(4), 245-266.

Primack, B. A., Shensa, A., Sidani, J. E., Whaite, E. O., Lin, L. Y., Rosen, D., … & Miller, E. (2017). Social media use and perceived social isolation among young adults in the U.S. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 53(1), 1-8.

Kierkegaard, S., The Sickness Unto Death, Princeton University Press, 1941.

Lambert, N. M., et al., “Prayer and Spirituality,” Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 2013.

Blindly Falling In Love: Three Cognitive Biases That Create Heartache

Three common but often overlooked cognitive biases easily create major blind spots in the early stages of a romance. If you understand how these blind spots arise, you can more effectively weed out those men or women who would be a poor romantic match. That's a big win.

Think of this knowledge as an emotional "survival skill."

After all, you want to put your energy into relationships that are most likely to be rewarding and fulfilling but avoid those that leave you disappointed, betrayed, and sometimes bitter.

We Both Like Peanut Butter So We Must Be Soul Mates: Self-Essentialist Reasoning Bias

The first bias to consider is “self-essentialist reasoning.” This term refers to a common bias that begins with the idea that people tend to assume that everyone has a core or essential essence. This core essence, in turn, is unchanging and responsible for driving a person’s behavior.

There is a tendency to be attracted to and think the best of those with whom we believe we share our core essence.

Examples of "core essences" include being empathetic, courageous, adventurous, or creative. None of this is to imply that research shows that people can be defined by a core essence, only that we have a bias that assumes this to be true.

How does someone come to conclude what another person's core essence is? Here is where the unconscious bias comes into the picture because our tendency is to first categorize others based on attributes we share in common, and then assume that these shared attributes also reflect a shared core essence.

An example of this bias is believing that because someone shops at an organic grocery store, and you too shop at that store, then this other person also shares your political views, drives an electric car, and wants to save the environment.

That is, because they share some superficial similarities, they also share deeper, more essential similarities that reflect your own essence.

One way self-essentialist reasoning influences romantic attraction is through the illusion of compatibility. When we meet someone who we believe shares our own essence, we tend to believe they possess many other important core similarities, which in turn makes them more attractive.  

Although you could be correct, it is best to assume that the jury is out until more evidence is presented. The risk of falsely believing that you share deeply important qualities with someone to whom you are attracted is that you will then begin to develop a relationship with someone who, in fact, lacks the foundation you are counting upon.

This is a recipe for later disappointment and heartache.

You Are Great at Pickle Ball; You Must Be Smart, Creative, and Successful as Well: The Halo Effect Bias

The halo effect refers to a psychological bias wherein our positive view of one aspect of an individual tends to unconsciously push us to view that person more positively in other areas as well.

This is similar to the "self-essentialist" bias, but the difference is that it does not focus on an assumption of sharing core personal qualities. That is, we do not begin with a belief that we and another person share the same core essence. Instead, it is enough that the other person displays some virtue or quality we highly admire. This, in turn, leads us to assume they also have several other desirable qualities.

For example, the extremely successful person you meet may then be assumed to be organized and focused as well. The self-confident person may also be assumed to be a good decision-maker and of superior intelligence. These are examples of the halo effect.

This bias can also enhance romantic attraction as it leads us to credit potential romantic partners with virtues they lack and downplay their flaws. The result is an idealized version of the person we desire, but not an accurate understanding of who they truly are in life.

When our idealized view of someone conflicts with reality, a mental battle occurs, and reality always wins.

You're Beautiful; I'm Sure You're Also Funny, Insightful, and Wealthy: What Is Beautiful Is Good Bias

Physical attraction often provides the initial spark that draws individuals together. When physical attraction is strong, people tend to assume that the person is not only attractive but also possesses a number of other desirable qualities.

This bias is known as the "what is beautiful is good" stereotype. Put another way, attractive individuals cause us to automatically assume they have any number of other desirable (yet unproven) qualities.   

Someone who is perceived as physically attractive, for example, may also be seen as kind, intelligent, or trustworthy, even in the absence of any supporting evidence. The handsome and beautiful people of the world benefit, in first encounters, by having many other desirable qualities attributed to their "win column."

It would be unfair to begrudge them this benefit. After all, they are not intentionally attempting deceit but are simply enjoying unearned points awarded by how the human brain works. But it would be unwise to not appreciate how this dynamic may be at work the next time you find yourself in the throes of strong attraction.

Beware of assuming too much. No matter how beautiful or handsome the target of your affection, they are no more likely to have those other qualities you seek than the less attractive individual standing next to them.

Combating Bias

The first step in minimizing the impact these biases have on a developing romance is to simply be aware of their presence. Seldom do you find an absence of their influence in the early stages of a romance. Being aware of their presence allows you to take steps to minimize their impact.

You can do this by considering what draws you to that person. Take some time to really pinpoint the specific qualities that you find attractive. Then, reflect on what leads you to believe that your love interest truly has those qualities. What's the evidence?

If you end up feeling stumped when looking for supporting evidence of these attractive qualities, this should raise red flags of caution. Take a step back emotionally and consider whether you are under the influence of one of the three biases we've discussed.

Perhaps they do have these qualities but the relationship is too new for them to have fully emerged. Or perhaps you are only desiring that they exist. Either way, you will want to follow up with candid conversations about these specific concerns.

It's essential to cultivate open and honest communication. By candidly discussing one another’s needs, desires, and concerns, a deeper understanding of each other will develop, and clearer choices can be made regarding your desire to move forward or end the relationship.