Blindly Falling In Love: Three Cognitive Biases That Create Heartache

Three common but often overlooked cognitive biases easily create major blind spots in the early stages of a romance. If you understand how these blind spots arise, you can more effectively weed out those men or women who would be a poor romantic match. That's a big win.

Think of this knowledge as an emotional "survival skill."

After all, you want to put your energy into relationships that are most likely to be rewarding and fulfilling but avoid those that leave you disappointed, betrayed, and sometimes bitter.

We Both Like Peanut Butter So We Must Be Soul Mates: Self-Essentialist Reasoning Bias

The first bias to consider is “self-essentialist reasoning.” This term refers to a common bias that begins with the idea that people tend to assume that everyone has a core or essential essence. This core essence, in turn, is unchanging and responsible for driving a person’s behavior.

There is a tendency to be attracted to and think the best of those with whom we believe we share our core essence.

Examples of "core essences" include being empathetic, courageous, adventurous, or creative. None of this is to imply that research shows that people can be defined by a core essence, only that we have a bias that assumes this to be true.

How does someone come to conclude what another person's core essence is? Here is where the unconscious bias comes into the picture because our tendency is to first categorize others based on attributes we share in common, and then assume that these shared attributes also reflect a shared core essence.

An example of this bias is believing that because someone shops at an organic grocery store, and you too shop at that store, then this other person also shares your political views, drives an electric car, and wants to save the environment.

That is, because they share some superficial similarities, they also share deeper, more essential similarities that reflect your own essence.

One way self-essentialist reasoning influences romantic attraction is through the illusion of compatibility. When we meet someone who we believe shares our own essence, we tend to believe they possess many other important core similarities, which in turn makes them more attractive.  

Although you could be correct, it is best to assume that the jury is out until more evidence is presented. The risk of falsely believing that you share deeply important qualities with someone to whom you are attracted is that you will then begin to develop a relationship with someone who, in fact, lacks the foundation you are counting upon.

This is a recipe for later disappointment and heartache.

You Are Great at Pickle Ball; You Must Be Smart, Creative, and Successful as Well: The Halo Effect Bias

The halo effect refers to a psychological bias wherein our positive view of one aspect of an individual tends to unconsciously push us to view that person more positively in other areas as well.

This is similar to the "self-essentialist" bias, but the difference is that it does not focus on an assumption of sharing core personal qualities. That is, we do not begin with a belief that we and another person share the same core essence. Instead, it is enough that the other person displays some virtue or quality we highly admire. This, in turn, leads us to assume they also have several other desirable qualities.

For example, the extremely successful person you meet may then be assumed to be organized and focused as well. The self-confident person may also be assumed to be a good decision-maker and of superior intelligence. These are examples of the halo effect.

This bias can also enhance romantic attraction as it leads us to credit potential romantic partners with virtues they lack and downplay their flaws. The result is an idealized version of the person we desire, but not an accurate understanding of who they truly are in life.

When our idealized view of someone conflicts with reality, a mental battle occurs, and reality always wins.

You're Beautiful; I'm Sure You're Also Funny, Insightful, and Wealthy: What Is Beautiful Is Good Bias

Physical attraction often provides the initial spark that draws individuals together. When physical attraction is strong, people tend to assume that the person is not only attractive but also possesses a number of other desirable qualities.

This bias is known as the "what is beautiful is good" stereotype. Put another way, attractive individuals cause us to automatically assume they have any number of other desirable (yet unproven) qualities.   

Someone who is perceived as physically attractive, for example, may also be seen as kind, intelligent, or trustworthy, even in the absence of any supporting evidence. The handsome and beautiful people of the world benefit, in first encounters, by having many other desirable qualities attributed to their "win column."

It would be unfair to begrudge them this benefit. After all, they are not intentionally attempting deceit but are simply enjoying unearned points awarded by how the human brain works. But it would be unwise to not appreciate how this dynamic may be at work the next time you find yourself in the throes of strong attraction.

Beware of assuming too much. No matter how beautiful or handsome the target of your affection, they are no more likely to have those other qualities you seek than the less attractive individual standing next to them.

Combating Bias

The first step in minimizing the impact these biases have on a developing romance is to simply be aware of their presence. Seldom do you find an absence of their influence in the early stages of a romance. Being aware of their presence allows you to take steps to minimize their impact.

You can do this by considering what draws you to that person. Take some time to really pinpoint the specific qualities that you find attractive. Then, reflect on what leads you to believe that your love interest truly has those qualities. What's the evidence?

If you end up feeling stumped when looking for supporting evidence of these attractive qualities, this should raise red flags of caution. Take a step back emotionally and consider whether you are under the influence of one of the three biases we've discussed.

Perhaps they do have these qualities but the relationship is too new for them to have fully emerged. Or perhaps you are only desiring that they exist. Either way, you will want to follow up with candid conversations about these specific concerns.

It's essential to cultivate open and honest communication. By candidly discussing one another’s needs, desires, and concerns, a deeper understanding of each other will develop, and clearer choices can be made regarding your desire to move forward or end the relationship.  

Why Narcissists Don't Change: And What You Should Do

The Start Of Narcissism

It is the nature of infancy and toddlerhood that narcissism reigns supreme. People are born as little bundles of narcissistic impulses and desires.

This is a natural phase of growing up. 

At some point, however, as children mature, a shift in perspective takes place. An awareness develops in a child that he, or she, is not the center of the universe. 

Additionally, an ability to control emotions begins to take root. Tantrums become less frequent. Frustration with not getting one’s own way lessens. Feeling hurt because others disagree with you becomes less frequent.

These are signs that the narcissism of infancy and toddlerhood is beginning to fade. An appreciation for others and their well-being .expands. 

Parents smile as they recognize that their child is on the way to becoming a mature adult. In time, the narcissistic impulses of the earlier years will be replaced with the qualities of a fully grown man or woman.

But this is not always true. Some children remain entrenched within their narcissistic cocoon. Emotionally, they remain convinced they are the gravitational center of every relationship. 

Narcissism occurs when this view persists and becomes crystallized as part of one’s adult personality. 

Criteria For Narcissistic Personality Disorder

A formal diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder requires that an individual be found to have at least five of the following nine characteristics:

• A grandiose sense of self-importance

• A fixation with fantasies of infinite success, control, brilliance, beauty, or idyllic love

• A belief that he or she is extraordinary and exceptional and can only be understood by, or should connect with, other extraordinary or important people or institutions

• A desire for unwarranted admiration

• A sense of entitlement

• Interpersonally oppressive behavior

• Lacking empathy

• Deep resentment of others, or a conviction that others are resentful of him or her

• Egotistical and conceited behaviors or attitudes

To be fair, each of us has some of these characteristics to some degree. It is an unfortunate aspect of being human. 

What sets narcissists apart, however, is the depth and consistency with which they embrace these qualities. The narcissist, for example, does not simply have a rare weak moment in which feeling special and superior comes to the forefront.

Instead, this is a core perspective that guides much of their daily life. Narcissists know they are special. They feel it deep in their souls.

And they need it to be true. Desperately. (This is an essential point to understand which we’ll return to in just a moment).

To reassure themself that they are special narcissists incessantly remind others of just how exceptional they are… and how lucky you are to be within their social orbit.

These efforts are an essential part of maintaining the delusion of grandeur. 

A common misperception, however, is that narcissists do this by incessantly bragging. That is only sometimes true.

More often their attempts to impress do not involve bragging at all but instead, come across in the way they highlight their importance, or status, within the fabric of everyday conversations.

An example may help.

Shortly after entering graduate school, I became friendly with another student. Let’s call him Jules (not his actual name). One day Jules stopped me while I was heading to class. In a conspiratorial tone, he leaned in and said “Forrest, I’ve been giving this a lot of thought and I would like to get your phone number.”

Jules paused, looking satisfied with himself. Not waiting for a reply he lowered his voice and confided “To tell you the truth I really don’t ask many people for their contact information, but I’ve sized you up…”

Another hesitation, followed by a knowing expression and a raised eyebrow “Yes, I’ve made some mental notes, and I’ve concluded that you stand apart from the other graduate students that entered our program this year.”

Jules then took a step back, spread his arms and smiled broadly as though he had just nominated me for a prestigious award. With a flourish he reached into the breast pocket of his sports coat and produced a slim palm-sized book. “So I’m going to add your number to my phone book. And I’m not talking about my regular phone book. No, I want your number for my black book… that’s the one reserved for just a few special friends.”

You see what’s happening in that brief request? Jules’ narcissistic perspective of himself as special is reflected in his describing:

• The deep thinking that needed to be applied before adding someone to his contact list

• The fact that not everyone ‘makes the grade’ and is put on this list

• And that for others to be a part of his world, they too need to be special.

When you are on the receiving end of this behavior you will find it either flattering, or vaguely creepy (this landed squarely in the creepy category).

Beneath The Fragile Façade Of Superiority

Although narcissists behave as though they are confident in their superiority the truth is very different. Insecurity is the norm. Confidence is paper thin.

The slightest insult can ignite a gnawing sense of distress. A social snub can lead to full-blown panic.

What most would consider a minor disagreement the narcissist experiences a brutal disregard for his or her well-being.

This is because the narcissist’s self-worth depends on having their grandiose views constantly confirmed. Anything that contradicts their perception of being exceptional is threatening.

These extreme reactions occur because narcissists lack a realistic sense of their worth.

They live having to balance a fundamental paradox: I’m special and extraordinary but this is only true when others treat me as special and extraordinary.

When others fail to behave in ways that support their grandiosity the narcissist becomes terrified. His or her core sense of identity feels under attack. The core of what makes them who they are is shaken.

To regain a sense of security the narcissist responds by lashing out. It’s as though they feel if only the person who has challenged their grandiosity can be cut down and diminished, then whatever that person has said or done will not matter so much. The threat won’t be valid. It will lose its impact.

After being on the receiving end of these narcissistic reactions one may (out of pity, exhaustion, or both) apologize. At first this will suffice. The narcissist will feel mollified.

But eventually the same thing will happen again. An apology will not suffice when you’ve become a repeat offender.

Begging forgiveness is the next step. For the narcissist, having someone ask for forgiveness is emotional ambrosia.  

Not only does this mean the threat to their feeling special has been beaten back, but now the narcissist is in a position of power.

He or she takes control of the relationship by possessing the healing nectar of forgiveness. It is theirs to give and thereby restore harmony, or to deny and keep the other person in their debt.

What To Do If You Are Romantically Involved With A Narcissist

I frequently get asked what someone can do if they are in a romantic relationship with a narcissist. My answer is ‘Head for the exit. Quickly.’

The reason for this response is that narcissists seldom change. It is exceedingly rare for a narcissist to change because it requires acknowledging the very thing they find so terrifying: admitting that they are not special. 

And worse, it requires that they also acknowledge that they have major failings. Heart stabbing, serious shortcomings.

That is the very opposite of being exceptional. Embracing this idea threatens their core identity. What they have based their life on (their exceptionality) needs to be given up. Not many people are willing to make that type of sacrifice. 

Although many narcissists struggle with depression and anxiety due to the problems their narcissism creates, this is seldom enough to motivate them to change. 

Instead, they will have moments of repentance, or go to therapy for a short time, but upon starting to feel a little better they end their efforts and return to their old ways.

So, what should you do if you are single and the object of your romantic affection is a narcissist? Head for the nearest exit. 

Do so with grace, with kindness, without rancor, but cut the cord and get the hell out of Dodge.  

The narcissist will accuse you of being cruel, selfish, and possessing many other unsavory qualities. You will be tempted to stay because the narcissist will be hurt and feel vulnerable.

Ignore all of that. Don’t look back. Remember the fate of Lot's wife… block of salt, right? You don’t want that for yourself.

You cannot fix the narcissist, but you can move on. And when you do, and gain some distance, you’ll realize that you did the only thing that made sense.

To Build A Happy Relationship, Be The Master Of Your Emotions

Very often the only way to get a quality in reality is to start behaving as if you had it already. That is why children’s games are so important. They are always pretending to be grown-ups—playing soldiers, playing shop. But all the time, they are hardening their muscles and sharpening their wits so that the pretense of being grown-up helps them to grow up in earnest.

 From C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

With his typical clarity and insight, C. S. Lewis drew back the curtain on practical ways to build a stronger Christian character. But the principle he outlined applies to many aspects of life, including marriage, and other long term intimate relationships.

By ‘behaving as if’ we already have some quality that would be helpful to strenghtening the relationship we cherish, we start the process of building up that virtue in ourselves.

First A Shift In Focus

To make this work it is important to begin by shifting the focus from changing someone else, to changing yourself. This sort of thinking does not come naturally. We have a tendency to think “If only my wife (or husband, girlfriend, boyfriend, etc.) were just a little more attentive, a little more loving, things would be great.” This is often followed by encouragement for them to become a better person by making the sorts of changes we have graciously identified.

It is a mindset characterized by “If only they would…” Fill in the rest of the sentence.

But the thing is you cannot force someone else to be more loving, or attentive, or generous, or anything else. You might succeed in getting them to try to make those changes, but you cannot make them do what you wish.

You do, however, have 100% control over yourself.

What’s more, making changes in yourself is much more likely to bring about long lasting happiness. Not only do you become a better person, but your spouse, or significant other, will often end up changing in the sort of way you had hoped. It becomes a win/win.

Getting Started

So how can you make important transformations in your life that will improve your marriage or other intimate relationships? The answer is to do just what C. S. Lewis suggested. Start to act the way you want to feel.

You’ll recall from the quote that started this discussion he observed “Very often the only way to get a quality in reality is to start behaving as if you had it already.”

So, if your relationship suffers from you being overly demanding, act with more grace and accomodation. If your impatience is a problem then act more patiently. If you are jealous then act more confidently.

By taking this approach you are stimulating your brain to undergo some reconstruction. Rewiring begins to take place. Keep with it for long enough and you will no longer need to ‘act like you are confident’…. your brain will have wired a greater sense of confidence into your outlook.

Some people think this is a matter of ‘fake it till you make it.’ Nonsense. That view of things makes feelings the yardstick by which we measure what is false and what is real. If you feel a certain way, but act in the opposite way, you are said to be ‘faking’ it.

By this logic if you act with patience, but are feeling impatient, you are faking it. Really?

Why should feelings of impatience be given more importance than the behavior of actually acting with patience? In other words, if you act patiently while feeling impatient, is that faking it, or being patient? The answer, you are acting patiently… and that’s what counts.

Let’s look at another example. If you stand up to an unpleasant boss who is a bully, but you feel fearful when doing so, does this mean you are ‘faking’ assertiveness?

If I do not feel kind, but behave with genuine kindness (not seeking anything in return) is this “fake” kindness? Such a conclusion makes no sense.

Here is the main point to keep in mind: acting one way, while feeling another, is not ‘faking’ anything. It is demonstrating maturity. Self-control.

This is critical to understand. Actions matter more than feelings. Our actions, in fact, have the power to mold and change our feelings.

Think about the following example. Most of us have had the experience of quarreling with our spouse or significant other just before leaving for some social event. Driving to the event we decide to behave more kindly to one another. After all, do we really want to continue to argue in front of other people? Probably not.

So despite the angry feelings that may still linger, on the drive to the event we start to act more nicely toward one another. Perhaps we attempt to strike up a pleasant conversation even though we would prefer to be alone.

A short time later we arrive at our destination. Tensions have eased. Quite often feelings of warmth toward the other person have begun to return.

Why? Because those behaviors of civility and kindness prompted changes in feelings. 

Researchers have known this for a long time. I think previous generations knew it even before the researchers figured it out. Even so, let me give you some examples from research that illustrate how behavior changes emotion.

A study done at Northwestern University showed that one’s posture impacts mood. When the researchers had people slouch in their chairs while performing a task their mood became more negative. Having people sit up straight in their chairs caused mood to become elevated. 

Something as simple as body posture alters brain chemistry and improves mood.

Dr. Mark Reinecke, a researcher, summed it up this way:

“It [posture] appears to have direct biological effects on hormone levels, on cortisol levels, testosterone levels and that's the remarkable thing.”

Psychology Today had an interesting article on this topic as well. They noted that:

“Each time you smile, you throw a little feel-good party in your brain. The act of smiling activates neural messaging that benefits your health and happiness.

How does this work? For starters, smiling activates the release of neuropeptides that reduce stress. Neuropeptides are tiny molecules that allow neurons to communicate. They facilitate messaging to the whole body when we are happy, sad, angry, depressed, or excited. The feel-good neurotransmitters — dopamine, endorphins and serotonin — are all released when a smile flashes across your face as well.

Control Your Behavior So You Train Your Emotions

Feelings are important, but they must not take control of your life. Instead, your goals for a happy close relationship should be more important than simply following the lead of whatever emotion has cropped up in the moment.

Very often the response to this advice is “Hold on. That’s a lot easier said than done.”

I agree.

On the other hand, it is a lot easier to try this approach, and eventually get better at it, than to live life having your feelings control your behavior. That is a recipe for frequent conflict and unhappiness. Relationships that let emotions sit in the driver’s seat end up crashing.

That’s because when feelings are given control of your life they become tyrants. When emotions control us we end up avoiding many things that would be good for us, and instead rush to embrace doing that which is harmful.

No Olympic athlete won the gold medal by listening to feelings of not wanting to practice, or to sleep in, or avoid a competition due to nervousness.

Instead, when faced with the impulse to avoid practice in order to be with friends they ignored that temptation and went to practice. When they got anxious before a competition and fear whispered “You don’t have to compete, you’ll just embarrass yourself” they pushed the anxiety aside and competed.

If you want to have a gold medal relationship you need to follow the lessons of gold medal winners. Master your emotions and do what moves your goals forward. This means controlling your emotions so they do not interfere with your behaving in ways that strengthen your relationship.

Conclusion

When you practice this approach, life becomes richer, and filled with more opportunities to meaningfully connect with others.  In fact, you start to gain control over your life.

Be prepared, however, for others to think you are a bit crazy. This type of discipline is not common. If you tell others that this is how you approach life many will think you are weird, strange, or destined for failure.

Don’t let it bother you. The discipline and tenacity it takes to wildly succeed in most areas of life is greater than that which most people are willing to committ. This is true in finances, music, athletics, adventure and when building an outstanding relationship. It’s OK if you are not normal in this regard. Normal is over rated.

So my challenge for you is to pick one emotion that seems to get the best of you time and again. One that gets in the way of taking that special relationship to the next level.

Spend the next week behaving in a way that is the direct opposite to that in which the emotion is pushing you.

You’ll begin to notice that with continued practice you have more control over those feelings. With more practice and time they become less bothersome.

Build on that success. Week after week you’ll grow stronger. As time passes you’ll also start to see changes in how the people closest to you respond. Relationships will improve, and eventually you’ll see that the changes you’ve made in yourself are creating changes in others.