Very often the only way to get a quality in reality is to start behaving as if you had it already. That is why children’s games are so important. They are always pretending to be grown-ups—playing soldiers, playing shop. But all the time, they are hardening their muscles and sharpening their wits so that the pretense of being grown-up helps them to grow up in earnest.
From C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity
With his typical clarity and insight, C. S. Lewis drew back the curtain on practical ways to build a stronger Christian character. But the principle he outlined applies to many aspects of life, including marriage, and other long term intimate relationships.
By ‘behaving as if’ we already have some quality that would be helpful to strenghtening the relationship we cherish, we start the process of building up that virtue in ourselves.
First A Shift In Focus
To make this work it is important to begin by shifting the focus from changing someone else, to changing yourself. This sort of thinking does not come naturally. We have a tendency to think “If only my wife (or husband, girlfriend, boyfriend, etc.) were just a little more attentive, a little more loving, things would be great.” This is often followed by encouragement for them to become a better person by making the sorts of changes we have graciously identified.
It is a mindset characterized by “If only they would…” Fill in the rest of the sentence.
But the thing is you cannot force someone else to be more loving, or attentive, or generous, or anything else. You might succeed in getting them to try to make those changes, but you cannot make them do what you wish.
You do, however, have 100% control over yourself.
What’s more, making changes in yourself is much more likely to bring about long lasting happiness. Not only do you become a better person, but your spouse, or significant other, will often end up changing in the sort of way you had hoped. It becomes a win/win.
Getting Started
So how can you make important transformations in your life that will improve your marriage or other intimate relationships? The answer is to do just what C. S. Lewis suggested. Start to act the way you want to feel.
You’ll recall from the quote that started this discussion he observed “Very often the only way to get a quality in reality is to start behaving as if you had it already.”
So, if your relationship suffers from you being overly demanding, act with more grace and accomodation. If your impatience is a problem then act more patiently. If you are jealous then act more confidently.
By taking this approach you are stimulating your brain to undergo some reconstruction. Rewiring begins to take place. Keep with it for long enough and you will no longer need to ‘act like you are confident’…. your brain will have wired a greater sense of confidence into your outlook.
Some people think this is a matter of ‘fake it till you make it.’ Nonsense. That view of things makes feelings the yardstick by which we measure what is false and what is real. If you feel a certain way, but act in the opposite way, you are said to be ‘faking’ it.
By this logic if you act with patience, but are feeling impatient, you are faking it. Really?
Why should feelings of impatience be given more importance than the behavior of actually acting with patience? In other words, if you act patiently while feeling impatient, is that faking it, or being patient? The answer, you are acting patiently… and that’s what counts.
Let’s look at another example. If you stand up to an unpleasant boss who is a bully, but you feel fearful when doing so, does this mean you are ‘faking’ assertiveness?
If I do not feel kind, but behave with genuine kindness (not seeking anything in return) is this “fake” kindness? Such a conclusion makes no sense.
Here is the main point to keep in mind: acting one way, while feeling another, is not ‘faking’ anything. It is demonstrating maturity. Self-control.
This is critical to understand. Actions matter more than feelings. Our actions, in fact, have the power to mold and change our feelings.
Think about the following example. Most of us have had the experience of quarreling with our spouse or significant other just before leaving for some social event. Driving to the event we decide to behave more kindly to one another. After all, do we really want to continue to argue in front of other people? Probably not.
So despite the angry feelings that may still linger, on the drive to the event we start to act more nicely toward one another. Perhaps we attempt to strike up a pleasant conversation even though we would prefer to be alone.
A short time later we arrive at our destination. Tensions have eased. Quite often feelings of warmth toward the other person have begun to return.
Why? Because those behaviors of civility and kindness prompted changes in feelings.
Researchers have known this for a long time. I think previous generations knew it even before the researchers figured it out. Even so, let me give you some examples from research that illustrate how behavior changes emotion.
A study done at Northwestern University showed that one’s posture impacts mood. When the researchers had people slouch in their chairs while performing a task their mood became more negative. Having people sit up straight in their chairs caused mood to become elevated.
Something as simple as body posture alters brain chemistry and improves mood.
Dr. Mark Reinecke, a researcher, summed it up this way:
“It [posture] appears to have direct biological effects on hormone levels, on cortisol levels, testosterone levels and that's the remarkable thing.”
Psychology Today had an interesting article on this topic as well. They noted that:
“Each time you smile, you throw a little feel-good party in your brain. The act of smiling activates neural messaging that benefits your health and happiness.
How does this work? For starters, smiling activates the release of neuropeptides that reduce stress. Neuropeptides are tiny molecules that allow neurons to communicate. They facilitate messaging to the whole body when we are happy, sad, angry, depressed, or excited. The feel-good neurotransmitters — dopamine, endorphins and serotonin — are all released when a smile flashes across your face as well.
Control Your Behavior So You Train Your Emotions
Feelings are important, but they must not take control of your life. Instead, your goals for a happy close relationship should be more important than simply following the lead of whatever emotion has cropped up in the moment.
Very often the response to this advice is “Hold on. That’s a lot easier said than done.”
I agree.
On the other hand, it is a lot easier to try this approach, and eventually get better at it, than to live life having your feelings control your behavior. That is a recipe for frequent conflict and unhappiness. Relationships that let emotions sit in the driver’s seat end up crashing.
That’s because when feelings are given control of your life they become tyrants. When emotions control us we end up avoiding many things that would be good for us, and instead rush to embrace doing that which is harmful.
Instead, when faced with the impulse to avoid practice in order to be with friends they ignored that temptation and went to practice. When they got anxious before a competition and fear whispered “You don’t have to compete, you’ll just embarrass yourself” they pushed the anxiety aside and competed.
If you want to have a gold medal relationship you need to follow the lessons of gold medal winners. Master your emotions and do what moves your goals forward. This means controlling your emotions so they do not interfere with your behaving in ways that strengthen your relationship.
Conclusion
When you practice this approach, life becomes richer, and filled with more opportunities to meaningfully connect with others. In fact, you start to gain control over your life.
Be prepared, however, for others to think you are a bit crazy. This type of discipline is not common. If you tell others that this is how you approach life many will think you are weird, strange, or destined for failure.
Don’t let it bother you. The discipline and tenacity it takes to wildly succeed in most areas of life is greater than that which most people are willing to committ. This is true in finances, music, athletics, adventure and when building an outstanding relationship. It’s OK if you are not normal in this regard. Normal is over rated.
So my challenge for you is to pick one emotion that seems to get the best of you time and again. One that gets in the way of taking that special relationship to the next level.
Spend the next week behaving in a way that is the direct opposite to that in which the emotion is pushing you.
You’ll begin to notice that with continued practice you have more control over those feelings. With more practice and time they become less bothersome.
Build on that success. Week after week you’ll grow stronger. As time passes you’ll also start to see changes in how the people closest to you respond. Relationships will improve, and eventually you’ll see that the changes you’ve made in yourself are creating changes in others.
