Practical insights and advice regarding anxiety, depression, trauma, parenting and more.
A great number of people are profoundly and painfully lonely. This feeling follows them throughout the day and into each evening. Like a shadow that cannot be outrun, it sometimes stretches into a long grotesque caricature of the future.
According to the American Psychological Association, 60% of U.S. adults report feelings of loneliness at some point, with young adults aged 18 to 25 feeling it most acutely. If you’ve ever felt that pang of isolation and wondered why it hurts so much—or better yet, how to overcome it—you’re not alone.
In the following paragraphs, we take a look at what loneliness really is, how it affects our well-being and different ways to push back against this aching sense of torment.
Though they often go hand-in-hand, loneliness and isolation are distinct. Isolation is a physical state—being alone or cut off from others. Loneliness, on the other hand, is an emotional perception. A subjective feeling of disconnection, even when surrounded by others.
A 2018 study by Julianne Holt-Lunstad found that loneliness, rather than physical isolation, carries a greater risk of early mortality.
She compared groups of people who were socially isolated to those who felt significant loneliness. Her research revealed that loneliness increases the risk of death by 26%, a statistic comparable to smoking 15 cigarettes a day (Holt-Lunstad et al., 2018).
Loneliness is not about one’s proximity to others, but instead emerges from a sense of severed connectedness with others.
Loneliness doesn’t simply “happen.” It often has deep-seated roots. For some, loneliness begins in childhood or adolescence, forming within the crucible of insecure attachments or dysfunctional family relationships.
Others enter loneliness after experiencing major life events such as a divorce, moving to another city, or the death of a loved one.
Social media can also act as a gateway to loneliness. The curated images of others’ seemingly perfect lives showered with attention and meaningful friendships serve as a constant reminder of what is lacking in our own.
And sometimes loneliness grows in the arid soil created by the lack of genuinely good friendships.
Studies show that it’s the quality—not quantity—of relationships that has the biggest impact on our emotional well-being (Pinquart & Sörensen, 2001). This means you could have 500 “friends” on social media and still feel very much alone.
For anyone feeling trapped in the pit of loneliness, it’s important to know that simple changes can make dramatic differences Yes, this can take some time. It certainly requires persistence. But for those who muster the tenacity to follow these steps, it nearly always results in the growth of more meaningful and fulfilling connections with others.
1. Reframe Your Perspective on Social Interactions Many people who feel lonely carry negative expectations into social situations. Self-fulfilling outcomes often arise from one’s belief that people won’t be interested in them, or that they will not fit in with new acquaintances.
You can guard against this by starting small, and trying to approach social situations with open mind. Studies have shown that challenging your internal dialogue can reduce feelings of loneliness over time (Masi et al., 2011).
2. Focus Your Relationship Energies Rather than aiming to expand your entire social circle, focus on deepening one or two existing relationships. This could mean reconnecting with an old friend or dedicating time to someone you already know but would like to get closer to. Quality over quantity is key.
3. Engage in Shared Activities Joining community groups, classes, or clubs allows you to connect with people who share similar interests. Shared interests mean you start a relationship with something in common. Whether it’s a book club, volunteer group, or yoga class, having common ground fosters connections.
Research shows that people who engage in group activities feel more connected and satisfied in their lives. This is especially true for older adults, who may experience higher levels of social isolation (Haslam et al., 2014).
4. Seek Support Through Therapy As mentioned earlier, loneliness sometimes arises as a result of early life experiences. If this is true for you, then therapy is a natural solution for discovering those connections, and learning how to push the past aside opening the way for a very different future.
5. Limit Social Media A growing body of research shows a link between heavy social media use and increased feelings of loneliness and depression. A study by Primack et al. (2017) found that people who spent more than two hours a day on social media were twice as likely to report feeling socially isolated.
6. Volunteer Acts of service help us shift the focus from our own loneliness to the needs of others. Research by Piliavin & Siegl (2007) found that people who volunteered regularly reported greater life satisfaction and fewer feelings of isolation. Helping others cultivates a deeper sense of purpose. What’s more, it often introduces us to like-minded people.
7. Deepen Your Faith Life Saint John of the Cross described the “dark night of the soul.” A deep sense of abandonment arising from the experience of God’s absence and leading one to feel painfully alone.
Along similar lines the philosopher Søren Kierkegaard believed that loneliness is an existential call, an invitation for men and women to confront life’s meaning and seek deeper spiritual understanding. He believed that isolation could awaken a longing for eternal truth and connection.
From this perspective, loneliness is the threshold through which one can enter into greater spiritual growth.
Using the difficult chapters in life as a means for deepening one’s faith is a very old practice. Loneliness, like many other hardships in life, can lead to a richer faith life and this, in turn, often results in a greater sense of connection.
Research in neuroscience supports this idea, showing that prayer and meditation stimulate brain areas linked to social bonding, such as the prefrontal cortex. Faith-based practices often reduce feelings of loneliness by fostering a sense of divine companionship, alleviating emotional pain, and promoting a sense of well-being.
Being human means you will experience loneliness. But this need not be a permanent feature of your life. By taking small, deliberate steps, as just described, you can find a renewed sense of purpose and connection with others.
At first, the effort required to succeed may feel daunting. Ignore those feelings. They are not accurate reflections of what you can expect if you tenaciously continue on the path.
Don’t shy away from taking steps that feel risky. Instead, be smart in how you move forward, putting focused energy into doing the hard work that’s required, and enjoy the promise of experiencing better days ahead.
References
Cacioppo, J. T., & Cacioppo, S. (2018). The growing problem of loneliness. Nature Neuroscience, 22(2), 126–129.
Haslam, C., Jetten, J., Cruwys, T., Dingle, G., & Haslam, S. A. (2014). Group memberships protect against future depression, alleviate depression symptoms, and prevent depression relapse. Social Science & Medicine, 103, 90-99.
Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., Baker, M., Harris, T., & Stephenson, D. (2015). Loneliness and social isolation as risk factors for mortality: A meta-analytic review. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 10(2), 227–237.
Masi, C. M., Chen, H. Y., Hawkley, L. C., & Cacioppo, J. T. (2011). A meta-analysis of interventions to reduce loneliness. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 15(3), 219-266.
Pinquart, M., & Sörensen, S. (2001). Influences on loneliness in older adults: A meta-analysis. Basic and Applied Social Psychology, 23(4), 245-266.
Primack, B. A., Shensa, A., Sidani, J. E., Whaite, E. O., Lin, L. Y., Rosen, D., … & Miller, E. (2017). Social media use and perceived social isolation among young adults in the U.S. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 53(1), 1-8.
Kierkegaard, S., The Sickness Unto Death, Princeton University Press, 1941.
Lambert, N. M., et al., “Prayer and Spirituality,” Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 2013.
A little known fact is that vigorous physical activity frequently causes depression and anxiety to diminish over time. This can occur rapidly, with significant improvement seen in just a matter of weeks. One form of exercise that has recently been found effective is ‘bouldering.’ If you are not familiar with this term if means to climb or scramble…
Three common but often overlooked cognitive biases easily create major blind spots in the early stages of a romance. If you understand how these blind spots arise, you can more effectively weed out those men or women who would be a poor romantic match. That's a big win.
Think of this knowledge as an emotional "survival skill."
After all, you want to put your energy into relationships that are most likely to be rewarding and fulfilling but avoid those that leave you disappointed, betrayed, and sometimes bitter.
The first bias to consider is “self-essentialist reasoning.” This term refers to a common bias that begins with the idea that people tend to assume that everyone has a core or essential essence. This core essence, in turn, is unchanging and responsible for driving a person’s behavior.
There is a tendency to be attracted to and think the best of those with whom we believe we share our core essence.
Examples of "core essences" include being empathetic, courageous, adventurous, or creative. None of this is to imply that research shows that people can be defined by a core essence, only that we have a bias that assumes this to be true.
How does someone come to conclude what another person's core essence is? Here is where the unconscious bias comes into the picture because our tendency is to first categorize others based on attributes we share in common, and then assume that these shared attributes also reflect a shared core essence.
An example of this bias is believing that because someone shops at an organic grocery store, and you too shop at that store, then this other person also shares your political views, drives an electric car, and wants to save the environment.
That is, because they share some superficial similarities, they also share deeper, more essential similarities that reflect your own essence.
One way self-essentialist reasoning influences romantic attraction is through the illusion of compatibility. When we meet someone who we believe shares our own essence, we tend to believe they possess many other important core similarities, which in turn makes them more attractive.
Although you could be correct, it is best to assume that the jury is out until more evidence is presented. The risk of falsely believing that you share deeply important qualities with someone to whom you are attracted is that you will then begin to develop a relationship with someone who, in fact, lacks the foundation you are counting upon.
This is a recipe for later disappointment and heartache.
The halo effect refers to a psychological bias wherein our positive view of one aspect of an individual tends to unconsciously push us to view that person more positively in other areas as well.
This is similar to the "self-essentialist" bias, but the difference is that it does not focus on an assumption of sharing core personal qualities. That is, we do not begin with a belief that we and another person share the same core essence. Instead, it is enough that the other person displays some virtue or quality we highly admire. This, in turn, leads us to assume they also have several other desirable qualities.
For example, the extremely successful person you meet may then be assumed to be organized and focused as well. The self-confident person may also be assumed to be a good decision-maker and of superior intelligence. These are examples of the halo effect.
This bias can also enhance romantic attraction as it leads us to credit potential romantic partners with virtues they lack and downplay their flaws. The result is an idealized version of the person we desire, but not an accurate understanding of who they truly are in life.
When our idealized view of someone conflicts with reality, a mental battle occurs, and reality always wins.
Physical attraction often provides the initial spark that draws individuals together. When physical attraction is strong, people tend to assume that the person is not only attractive but also possesses a number of other desirable qualities.
This bias is known as the "what is beautiful is good" stereotype. Put another way, attractive individuals cause us to automatically assume they have any number of other desirable (yet unproven) qualities.
Someone who is perceived as physically attractive, for example, may also be seen as kind, intelligent, or trustworthy, even in the absence of any supporting evidence. The handsome and beautiful people of the world benefit, in first encounters, by having many other desirable qualities attributed to their "win column."
It would be unfair to begrudge them this benefit. After all, they are not intentionally attempting deceit but are simply enjoying unearned points awarded by how the human brain works. But it would be unwise to not appreciate how this dynamic may be at work the next time you find yourself in the throes of strong attraction.
Beware of assuming too much. No matter how beautiful or handsome the target of your affection, they are no more likely to have those other qualities you seek than the less attractive individual standing next to them.
The first step in minimizing the impact these biases have on a developing romance is to simply be aware of their presence. Seldom do you find an absence of their influence in the early stages of a romance. Being aware of their presence allows you to take steps to minimize their impact.
You can do this by considering what draws you to that person. Take some time to really pinpoint the specific qualities that you find attractive. Then, reflect on what leads you to believe that your love interest truly has those qualities. What's the evidence?
If you end up feeling stumped when looking for supporting evidence of these attractive qualities, this should raise red flags of caution. Take a step back emotionally and consider whether you are under the influence of one of the three biases we've discussed.
Perhaps they do have these qualities but the relationship is too new for them to have fully emerged. Or perhaps you are only desiring that they exist. Either way, you will want to follow up with candid conversations about these specific concerns.
It's essential to cultivate open and honest communication. By candidly discussing one another’s needs, desires, and concerns, a deeper understanding of each other will develop, and clearer choices can be made regarding your desire to move forward or end the relationship.
Rejection sensitive people deeply wish to establish rewarding intimate relationships, but they are convinced that potential partners will in some way hurt or betray them. Consequently they misread the behavior of their love interests, reading too much into what are in fact innocent gaffs or clumsy statements. These misunderstandings lead to conflict, and the eventual end of the relationship.
A soft, easy life is not worth living, if it impairs the fibre of brain and heart and muscle. We must dare to be great; and we must realize that greatness is the fruit of toil and sacrifice and high courage... For us is the life of action, of strenuous performance of duty; let us live in the harness, striving mightily; let us rather run the risk of wearing out than rusting out.
Theodore Roosevelt
The sign on the back of the rusty old VW bus read “If it feels good… do it!”
What an appealing idea. Carefree and uninhibited gratification.
For some, this mantra is so attractive that it morphs into a lifestyle aimed toward building the happiest life possible.
On the face of it this makes sense. If you wish to live a happy life, then simply do that which brings pleasure.
Such an approach to life is not new. A student of Socrates’ named Aristippus (435 BCE) developed it into a philosophy about what makes for a richly rewarding life. He concluded that a good life was one in which pleasure is maximized and pain minimized. This was called ‘hedonism.’
But research on happiness shows that a hedonistic lifestyle doesn’t deliver on its promise.
Aristippus misunderstood the nature of the human psyche, and consequently developed a misguided prescription. What he failed to appreciate is that people require more than pleasure in order to thrive. Just as a body requires more than pleasant-tasting food for optimal health.
What hedonism misses is that people are most happy when they have a sense of purpose.
When men and women identify their purpose in life, it results in their viewing everyday interactions and sacrifices as being imbued with significance. As a result, happiness grows.
The ancient Greeks called this ‘eudemonic’ happiness. You can think of it as happiness with deep roots.
The Cost of Deep Happiness
If happiness that is deeply rooted comes from living a purpose-driven life, what does it cost to win this prize?
The answer to that question becomes clear when considering what’s required to seriously pursue a meaningful purpose. Other competing interests and desires must be ignored, and almost invariably a certain degree of pain must be endured.
For example, if one’s purpose is to bring joy to others by dancing in a professional ballet company, that individual will have very few hours free to relax. Sore muscles and blistered feet will be their constant companion.
If soldiering is one’s purpose in the pursuit of safeguarding your country's freedom, then that person will sacrifice many of the freedoms that others take for granted. Multiple deployments away from family will also await them, as well as numerous cold, rain-soaked nights outdoors.
Although it may seem counterintuitive to suggest that the road to real happiness runs through a gauntlet of privation and sacrifice, research, suggests otherwise.
Living a life of purpose requires generosity in that it demands that a person subjugate his or her desires (and at times their wellbeing) in the service of something greater. This is the very opposite of the “If it feels good do it” prescription for happiness.
What Is Required To Succeed?
Across the nearly infinite types of purpose one may pursue in life, all will require tenacity, grit, and a commensurate level of skill. Undergirding each of these will be a sense of duty. An unshakable conviction that one is obligated to pursue the path on which their purpose leads them.
When a strong conviction is missing that it is your duty to pursue your purpose, staying the course becomes nearly impossible.
Self-doubt creeps in and gains a foothold in your mind.
Seductive excuses for wavering from the path crop up more frequently.
Setbacks weigh more heavily than they should.
Stew Smith, former Navy SEAL and personal coach for those going into Special Forces selection has summarized the importance of this quality by stating that the mental attitude of “I would rather die than quit” as the single biggest factor that separates the successful Special Forces applicants from those that withdraw.
Giving yourself wholeheartedly to duty can be intimidating. But the rewards are great. When you place yourself on the anvil of duty, submitting to the hammer of discipline and the sacrifices that fulfilling your duty entails, your character becomes refined, shaped, and strengthened. This is most true when the duty to which you have harnessed your commitment is a high and noble calling.
Anyone can make this choice. It is independent of status, finances, education, or geography. Everyone has the opportunity to pursue a high and noble path.
What’s more, over time you will find that this leads you to be infinitely happier than those who have spent years chasing one pleasure after another.
The bottom line is that everyone has a purpose to pursue in life. Don’t wait. Find yours now and start down the path towards its fulfillment.
Relying on the standard of “Did I enjoy myself?” for determining whether to continue to date someone is insane. It means relegating these decisions to your limbic system (your lizard brain). When was the last time you asked a reptile for help in making a decision? You see my point. To steer your dating life in a more satisfying direction it is important to minimize the influence of the lizard and rely instead on your frontal cortex. The logical operating center of your brain.
The ability to forgive others is key to maintaining healthy relationships and having a happy life. How to go about forgiving others, however, is difficult. In part because what it means to forgive is often wrong and includes some mistaken notion that forgiveness means you pretend that what another person did was not really all that bad. Or that forgiveness involves immediately acting as though the person who was forgiven can now be thoroughly trusted. Neither of these ideas is true….
Money plays a major role in each person’s mental life. For some, it is a measure of success., for others a deep source of security and stability. It can be used to fulfill dreams as well as everyday needs. Given the personal and practical importance attached to money it is little wonder so many couples find it a source of marital acrimony.
Teens who learn how to effectively complete homework are at a great advantage when going off to college or entering the workforce. They will certainly have higher grades, but more importantly, they will have developed critical thinking skills. This ability will help them become lifelong learners and maximize their ability to excel in many areas of life. In this article you will discover six strategies for supercharging your teens study habits.
Being overly dependent on the approval of others leads to a life of worry. Looking over your shoulder to sure that no one is angry with you. Suppressing your own desires, goals, and opinions for the sake of pleasing others. Learning how to throw off the weight of these anxieties, however, opens the door to deeper friendships, more interesting adventures, and a much more fulfilling life.
The very shy child holds back from taking chances. Fearful of dropping their guard, or being assertive, they play it safe. As a result these children miss out on experiences that would otherwise build their confidence, expand their understanding, and increase their happiness. What’s more, extremely shy children are at higher risk for anxiety, depression and other forms of distress. Parents hold the key to reversing these trends and unlocking the more carefree side of their shy child. Doing so can be life changing.
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