Practical insights and advice regarding anxiety, depression, trauma, parenting and more.
Rejection sensitive people deeply wish to establish rewarding intimate relationships, but they are convinced that potential partners will in some way hurt or betray them. Consequently they misread the behavior of their love interests, reading too much into what are in fact innocent gaffs or clumsy statements. These misunderstandings lead to conflict, and the eventual end of the relationship.
A soft, easy life is not worth living, if it impairs the fibre of brain and heart and muscle. We must dare to be great; and we must realize that greatness is the fruit of toil and sacrifice and high courage... For us is the life of action, of strenuous performance of duty; let us live in the harness, striving mightily; let us rather run the risk of wearing out than rusting out.
Theodore Roosevelt
The sign on the back of the rusty old VW bus read “If it feels good… do it!”
What an appealing idea. Carefree and uninhibited gratification.
For some, this mantra is so attractive that it morphs into a lifestyle aimed toward building the happiest life possible.
On the face of it this makes sense. If you wish to live a happy life, then simply do that which brings pleasure.
Such an approach to life is not new. A student of Socrates’ named Aristippus (435 BCE) developed it into a philosophy about what makes for a richly rewarding life. He concluded that a good life was one in which pleasure is maximized and pain minimized. This was called ‘hedonism.’
But research on happiness shows that a hedonistic lifestyle doesn’t deliver on its promise.
Aristippus misunderstood the nature of the human psyche, and consequently developed a misguided prescription. What he failed to appreciate is that people require more than pleasure in order to thrive. Just as a body requires more than pleasant-tasting food for optimal health.
What hedonism misses is that people are most happy when they have a sense of purpose.
When men and women identify their purpose in life, it results in their viewing everyday interactions and sacrifices as being imbued with significance. As a result, happiness grows.
The ancient Greeks called this ‘eudemonic’ happiness. You can think of it as happiness with deep roots.
The Cost of Deep Happiness
If happiness that is deeply rooted comes from living a purpose-driven life, what does it cost to win this prize?
The answer to that question becomes clear when considering what’s required to seriously pursue a meaningful purpose. Other competing interests and desires must be ignored, and almost invariably a certain degree of pain must be endured.
For example, if one’s purpose is to bring joy to others by dancing in a professional ballet company, that individual will have very few hours free to relax. Sore muscles and blistered feet will be their constant companion.
If soldiering is one’s purpose in the pursuit of safeguarding your country's freedom, then that person will sacrifice many of the freedoms that others take for granted. Multiple deployments away from family will also await them, as well as numerous cold, rain-soaked nights outdoors.
Although it may seem counterintuitive to suggest that the road to real happiness runs through a gauntlet of privation and sacrifice, research, suggests otherwise.
Living a life of purpose requires generosity in that it demands that a person subjugate his or her desires (and at times their wellbeing) in the service of something greater. This is the very opposite of the “If it feels good do it” prescription for happiness.
What Is Required To Succeed?
Across the nearly infinite types of purpose one may pursue in life, all will require tenacity, grit, and a commensurate level of skill. Undergirding each of these will be a sense of duty. An unshakable conviction that one is obligated to pursue the path on which their purpose leads them.
When a strong conviction is missing that it is your duty to pursue your purpose, staying the course becomes nearly impossible.
Self-doubt creeps in and gains a foothold in your mind.
Seductive excuses for wavering from the path crop up more frequently.
Setbacks weigh more heavily than they should.
Stew Smith, former Navy SEAL and personal coach for those going into Special Forces selection has summarized the importance of this quality by stating that the mental attitude of “I would rather die than quit” as the single biggest factor that separates the successful Special Forces applicants from those that withdraw.
Giving yourself wholeheartedly to duty can be intimidating. But the rewards are great. When you place yourself on the anvil of duty, submitting to the hammer of discipline and the sacrifices that fulfilling your duty entails, your character becomes refined, shaped, and strengthened. This is most true when the duty to which you have harnessed your commitment is a high and noble calling.
Anyone can make this choice. It is independent of status, finances, education, or geography. Everyone has the opportunity to pursue a high and noble path.
What’s more, over time you will find that this leads you to be infinitely happier than those who have spent years chasing one pleasure after another.
The bottom line is that everyone has a purpose to pursue in life. Don’t wait. Find yours now and start down the path towards its fulfillment.
Relying on the standard of “Did I enjoy myself?” for determining whether to continue to date someone is insane. It means relegating these decisions to your limbic system (your lizard brain). When was the last time you asked a reptile for help in making a decision? You see my point. To steer your dating life in a more satisfying direction it is important to minimize the influence of the lizard and rely instead on your frontal cortex. The logical operating center of your brain.
The ability to forgive others is key to maintaining healthy relationships and having a happy life. How to go about forgiving others, however, is difficult. In part because what it means to forgive is often wrong and includes some mistaken notion that forgiveness means you pretend that what another person did was not really all that bad. Or that forgiveness involves immediately acting as though the person who was forgiven can now be thoroughly trusted. Neither of these ideas is true….
Money plays a major role in each person’s mental life. For some, it is a measure of success., for others a deep source of security and stability. It can be used to fulfill dreams as well as everyday needs. Given the personal and practical importance attached to money it is little wonder so many couples find it a source of marital acrimony.
Teens who learn how to effectively complete homework are at a great advantage when going off to college or entering the workforce. They will certainly have higher grades, but more importantly, they will have developed critical thinking skills. This ability will help them become lifelong learners and maximize their ability to excel in many areas of life. In this article you will discover six strategies for supercharging your teens study habits.
Being overly dependent on the approval of others leads to a life of worry. Looking over your shoulder to sure that no one is angry with you. Suppressing your own desires, goals, and opinions for the sake of pleasing others. Learning how to throw off the weight of these anxieties, however, opens the door to deeper friendships, more interesting adventures, and a much more fulfilling life.
The very shy child holds back from taking chances. Fearful of dropping their guard, or being assertive, they play it safe. As a result these children miss out on experiences that would otherwise build their confidence, expand their understanding, and increase their happiness. What’s more, extremely shy children are at higher risk for anxiety, depression and other forms of distress. Parents hold the key to reversing these trends and unlocking the more carefree side of their shy child. Doing so can be life changing.
Socially awkward? Not sure what to do when meeting new people? Conversations don’t come naturally? Trouble connecting at a deeper more meaningful level? In group settings you frequently feel as though you are on the outside looking in? Not to worry. With a little effort, a streak of persistence, and some common sense strategies, you can go from socially awkward to socially savvy in no time at all.
Finding a soulmate is wonderful in the same way that it would be terrific to discover the fountain of youth, or stumble upon the City of Gold, or make friends with mermaids. Great fun to think about in the same way that many fantasies are enjoyable. But judging romantic relationships by how they measure up to some mythical soulmate status is sure to create disappointment and heartache. There are better ways to approach this task, and they are all grounded in reality.
Infidelity occurs within many relationships, and has one common outcome: trust is broken. Without trust it is not possible to build a vibrant endruing sense of intimacy. Can this essential foundation be rebuilt is the foremost question to answer when determining how to respond after discovering the person you love has betrayed your trust.
Small, seemingly trivial and common place every day decisions have an enormous impact on the destinations one reaches in life. When we find ourselves feeling perpetually stuck, or repeatedly getting into relationships and situations that are distressing and all too familiar, its time to adjust the type of decisions one is making on a daily basis. Chances are they have had a major influence in creating unproductive or even destructive patterns in your life. The good news is these decisions can be easily shifted toward more positive outcomes. It’s just a matter of making a few adjustments to put yourself back on a positive life course.
To acheive deep fulfillment in life requires focusing on the right priorities. Many people get sidetracked by searching for pleasure rather than putting their energies toward those things that are intrinsically more meaningful. When pleasure takes priority over purpose it invariably leads (paradoxically) to a lack of happiness. Avoiding this trap is simple, but it requires…
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