Loneliness
A great number of people are profoundly and painfully lonely. This feeling follows them throughout the day and into each evening. Like a shadow that cannot be outrun, it sometimes stretches into a long grotesque caricature of the future.
According to the American Psychological Association, 60% of U.S. adults report feelings of loneliness at some point, with young adults aged 18 to 25 feeling it most acutely. If you’ve ever felt that pang of isolation and wondered why it hurts so much—or better yet, how to overcome it—you’re not alone.
In the following paragraphs, we take a look at what loneliness really is, how it affects our well-being and different ways to push back against this aching sense of torment.
Is Loneliness the Same as Isolation?
Though they often go hand-in-hand, loneliness and isolation are distinct. Isolation is a physical state—being alone or cut off from others. Loneliness, on the other hand, is an emotional perception. A subjective feeling of disconnection, even when surrounded by others.
A 2018 study by Julianne Holt-Lunstad found that loneliness, rather than physical isolation, carries a greater risk of early mortality.
She compared groups of people who were socially isolated to those who felt significant loneliness. Her research revealed that loneliness increases the risk of death by 26%, a statistic comparable to smoking 15 cigarettes a day (Holt-Lunstad et al., 2018).
Loneliness is not about one’s proximity to others, but instead emerges from a sense of severed connectedness with others.
The Origins of Loneliness
Loneliness doesn’t simply “happen.” It often has deep-seated roots. For some, loneliness begins in childhood or adolescence, forming within the crucible of insecure attachments or dysfunctional family relationships.
Others enter loneliness after experiencing major life events such as a divorce, moving to another city, or the death of a loved one.
Social media can also act as a gateway to loneliness. The curated images of others’ seemingly perfect lives showered with attention and meaningful friendships serve as a constant reminder of what is lacking in our own.
And sometimes loneliness grows in the arid soil created by the lack of genuinely good friendships.
Studies show that it’s the quality—not quantity—of relationships that has the biggest impact on our emotional well-being (Pinquart & Sörensen, 2001). This means you could have 500 “friends” on social media and still feel very much alone.
Practical Ways to Reduce Loneliness
For anyone feeling trapped in the pit of loneliness, it’s important to know that simple changes can make dramatic differences Yes, this can take some time. It certainly requires persistence. But for those who muster the tenacity to follow these steps, it nearly always results in the growth of more meaningful and fulfilling connections with others.
1. Reframe Your Perspective on Social Interactions Many people who feel lonely carry negative expectations into social situations. Self-fulfilling outcomes often arise from one’s belief that people won’t be interested in them, or that they will not fit in with new acquaintances.
You can guard against this by starting small, and trying to approach social situations with open mind. Studies have shown that challenging your internal dialogue can reduce feelings of loneliness over time (Masi et al., 2011).
2. Focus Your Relationship Energies Rather than aiming to expand your entire social circle, focus on deepening one or two existing relationships. This could mean reconnecting with an old friend or dedicating time to someone you already know but would like to get closer to. Quality over quantity is key.
3. Engage in Shared Activities Joining community groups, classes, or clubs allows you to connect with people who share similar interests. Shared interests mean you start a relationship with something in common. Whether it’s a book club, volunteer group, or yoga class, having common ground fosters connections.
Research shows that people who engage in group activities feel more connected and satisfied in their lives. This is especially true for older adults, who may experience higher levels of social isolation (Haslam et al., 2014).
4. Seek Support Through Therapy As mentioned earlier, loneliness sometimes arises as a result of early life experiences. If this is true for you, then therapy is a natural solution for discovering those connections, and learning how to push the past aside opening the way for a very different future.
5. Limit Social Media A growing body of research shows a link between heavy social media use and increased feelings of loneliness and depression. A study by Primack et al. (2017) found that people who spent more than two hours a day on social media were twice as likely to report feeling socially isolated.
6. Volunteer Acts of service help us shift the focus from our own loneliness to the needs of others. Research by Piliavin & Siegl (2007) found that people who volunteered regularly reported greater life satisfaction and fewer feelings of isolation. Helping others cultivates a deeper sense of purpose. What’s more, it often introduces us to like-minded people.
7. Deepen Your Faith Life Saint John of the Cross described the “dark night of the soul.” A deep sense of abandonment arising from the experience of God’s absence and leading one to feel painfully alone.
Along similar lines the philosopher Søren Kierkegaard believed that loneliness is an existential call, an invitation for men and women to confront life’s meaning and seek deeper spiritual understanding. He believed that isolation could awaken a longing for eternal truth and connection.
From this perspective, loneliness is the threshold through which one can enter into greater spiritual growth.
Using the difficult chapters in life as a means for deepening one’s faith is a very old practice. Loneliness, like many other hardships in life, can lead to a richer faith life and this, in turn, often results in a greater sense of connection.
Research in neuroscience supports this idea, showing that prayer and meditation stimulate brain areas linked to social bonding, such as the prefrontal cortex. Faith-based practices often reduce feelings of loneliness by fostering a sense of divine companionship, alleviating emotional pain, and promoting a sense of well-being.
Final Thoughts
Being human means you will experience loneliness. But this need not be a permanent feature of your life. By taking small, deliberate steps, as just described, you can find a renewed sense of purpose and connection with others.
At first, the effort required to succeed may feel daunting. Ignore those feelings. They are not accurate reflections of what you can expect if you tenaciously continue on the path.
Don’t shy away from taking steps that feel risky. Instead, be smart in how you move forward, putting focused energy into doing the hard work that’s required, and enjoy the promise of experiencing better days ahead.
References
Cacioppo, J. T., & Cacioppo, S. (2018). The growing problem of loneliness. Nature Neuroscience, 22(2), 126–129.
Haslam, C., Jetten, J., Cruwys, T., Dingle, G., & Haslam, S. A. (2014). Group memberships protect against future depression, alleviate depression symptoms, and prevent depression relapse. Social Science & Medicine, 103, 90-99.
Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., Baker, M., Harris, T., & Stephenson, D. (2015). Loneliness and social isolation as risk factors for mortality: A meta-analytic review. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 10(2), 227–237.
Masi, C. M., Chen, H. Y., Hawkley, L. C., & Cacioppo, J. T. (2011). A meta-analysis of interventions to reduce loneliness. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 15(3), 219-266.
Pinquart, M., & Sörensen, S. (2001). Influences on loneliness in older adults: A meta-analysis. Basic and Applied Social Psychology, 23(4), 245-266.
Primack, B. A., Shensa, A., Sidani, J. E., Whaite, E. O., Lin, L. Y., Rosen, D., … & Miller, E. (2017). Social media use and perceived social isolation among young adults in the U.S. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 53(1), 1-8.
Kierkegaard, S., The Sickness Unto Death, Princeton University Press, 1941.
Lambert, N. M., et al., “Prayer and Spirituality,” Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 2013.
