A while back I was asked by a reporter to comment on why some people never enter into a mature, thoroughly committed relationship? Although there are many possible reasons for this fear, most of the time it boils down to one of the following.
ONE: Peter Pan Is Alive and Well
This is more common in men than women. The person simply does not wish to grow up. Being an adult requires that you place your needs (at least much of the time) second to those of others. Particularly those with whom you have a commitment. Moreover, a committed relationship has obligations attached to it, and this means one must be accountable to someone else.
TWO: Ghosts From the Past
Another very common theme seen in both men and women. Those who grew up in homes where the parents had a horrible relationship are more likely to be afraid of commitment than those raised by parents who had a reasonably happy relationship. This is particularly true if there were no alternative role models (e.g., happily married grandparents, or close friends whose parents were happily married).
THREE: Greener Pastures Await
Although seen in both men and women, it is somewhat more with men. There is always the prospect that another partner will more fully satisfy one's desires and longings. People who perpetually struggle with the Greener Pastures fallacy have failed to accept that no one will be a perfect match. Anyone with whom they develop a relationship will have strengths and weaknesses.
The Greener Pasture aficionado fails to see that it is not a matter of finding a soul mate who is without flaws. It is all about finding a soul mate with the qualities you cannot live without, and the flaws that you can tolerate (and keep in mind, your soul mate will need to live with your flaws as well, so let’s not put on airs).
FOUR: No Dice, Home Slice
These individuals are simply terrified of rejection and failure. They have no problem being in a relationship as long as it does not involve meaningful commitment. When the “we” of a relationship starts to be more important than the “me” of the relationship, these folks head for the hills.
Asking for a deeper commitment from a "failure phobic" man or woman is similar to asking Superman to take a bite of a kryptonite appetizer. They shake with fear like the lead singer in a rumba band and quickly make towards the exit.
Men and women who are terrified of rejection/failure in relationships believe that were they to make a commitment and it did not work out, they would be crushed. Devastated beyond repair. Their solution to this fear? Play it safe, don’t risk too much, don’t take that big step into commitment.
Very sad. At the end of life, no one looks back and says “I’m so glad I played it safe. My life has been so rich and full because I always played it safe and never risked my heart.”
Conclusion
So those are the four main obstacles I’ve observed that get in the way of men and women moving forward in relationships to form a mature commitment.
I’ve also seen people change. Men and women are capable of shifting their perspective, of becoming more mature, and discarding those patterns and tendencies that held them back from commitment in the past.
No one is destined to remain stymied by whatever unhealthy approaches to life that they currently rely upon. It’s a matter of having the courage to try something new.
If you see yourself in one of the patterns described above then the thing to do is make a conscious decision to change. It’s easier than you think.
And if you identify your romantic partner in one of the patterns described above, don’t avoid having the sort of challenging conversation that will bring this issue into the open.
You cannot force someone to change and become open to commitment. You can, however, become clear about whether the person you love wishes to maintain the status quo, or stay stuck in the status quo.
If you are wanting to build a richer more committed relationship, and your love interest does not, then you are better off taking matters into your own hands and moving forward on your own.
