Practical insights and advice regarding anxiety, depression, trauma, parenting and more.
A great number of people are profoundly and painfully lonely. This feeling follows them throughout the day and into each evening. Like a shadow that cannot be outrun, it sometimes stretches into a long grotesque caricature of the future.
According to the American Psychological Association, 60% of U.S. adults report feelings of loneliness at some point, with young adults aged 18 to 25 feeling it most acutely. If you’ve ever felt that pang of isolation and wondered why it hurts so much—or better yet, how to overcome it—you’re not alone.
In the following paragraphs, we take a look at what loneliness really is, how it affects our well-being and different ways to push back against this aching sense of torment.
Though they often go hand-in-hand, loneliness and isolation are distinct. Isolation is a physical state—being alone or cut off from others. Loneliness, on the other hand, is an emotional perception. A subjective feeling of disconnection, even when surrounded by others.
A 2018 study by Julianne Holt-Lunstad found that loneliness, rather than physical isolation, carries a greater risk of early mortality.
She compared groups of people who were socially isolated to those who felt significant loneliness. Her research revealed that loneliness increases the risk of death by 26%, a statistic comparable to smoking 15 cigarettes a day (Holt-Lunstad et al., 2018).
Loneliness is not about one’s proximity to others, but instead emerges from a sense of severed connectedness with others.
Loneliness doesn’t simply “happen.” It often has deep-seated roots. For some, loneliness begins in childhood or adolescence, forming within the crucible of insecure attachments or dysfunctional family relationships.
Others enter loneliness after experiencing major life events such as a divorce, moving to another city, or the death of a loved one.
Social media can also act as a gateway to loneliness. The curated images of others’ seemingly perfect lives showered with attention and meaningful friendships serve as a constant reminder of what is lacking in our own.
And sometimes loneliness grows in the arid soil created by the lack of genuinely good friendships.
Studies show that it’s the quality—not quantity—of relationships that has the biggest impact on our emotional well-being (Pinquart & Sörensen, 2001). This means you could have 500 “friends” on social media and still feel very much alone.
For anyone feeling trapped in the pit of loneliness, it’s important to know that simple changes can make dramatic differences Yes, this can take some time. It certainly requires persistence. But for those who muster the tenacity to follow these steps, it nearly always results in the growth of more meaningful and fulfilling connections with others.
1. Reframe Your Perspective on Social Interactions Many people who feel lonely carry negative expectations into social situations. Self-fulfilling outcomes often arise from one’s belief that people won’t be interested in them, or that they will not fit in with new acquaintances.
You can guard against this by starting small, and trying to approach social situations with open mind. Studies have shown that challenging your internal dialogue can reduce feelings of loneliness over time (Masi et al., 2011).
2. Focus Your Relationship Energies Rather than aiming to expand your entire social circle, focus on deepening one or two existing relationships. This could mean reconnecting with an old friend or dedicating time to someone you already know but would like to get closer to. Quality over quantity is key.
3. Engage in Shared Activities Joining community groups, classes, or clubs allows you to connect with people who share similar interests. Shared interests mean you start a relationship with something in common. Whether it’s a book club, volunteer group, or yoga class, having common ground fosters connections.
Research shows that people who engage in group activities feel more connected and satisfied in their lives. This is especially true for older adults, who may experience higher levels of social isolation (Haslam et al., 2014).
4. Seek Support Through Therapy As mentioned earlier, loneliness sometimes arises as a result of early life experiences. If this is true for you, then therapy is a natural solution for discovering those connections, and learning how to push the past aside opening the way for a very different future.
5. Limit Social Media A growing body of research shows a link between heavy social media use and increased feelings of loneliness and depression. A study by Primack et al. (2017) found that people who spent more than two hours a day on social media were twice as likely to report feeling socially isolated.
6. Volunteer Acts of service help us shift the focus from our own loneliness to the needs of others. Research by Piliavin & Siegl (2007) found that people who volunteered regularly reported greater life satisfaction and fewer feelings of isolation. Helping others cultivates a deeper sense of purpose. What’s more, it often introduces us to like-minded people.
7. Deepen Your Faith Life Saint John of the Cross described the “dark night of the soul.” A deep sense of abandonment arising from the experience of God’s absence and leading one to feel painfully alone.
Along similar lines the philosopher Søren Kierkegaard believed that loneliness is an existential call, an invitation for men and women to confront life’s meaning and seek deeper spiritual understanding. He believed that isolation could awaken a longing for eternal truth and connection.
From this perspective, loneliness is the threshold through which one can enter into greater spiritual growth.
Using the difficult chapters in life as a means for deepening one’s faith is a very old practice. Loneliness, like many other hardships in life, can lead to a richer faith life and this, in turn, often results in a greater sense of connection.
Research in neuroscience supports this idea, showing that prayer and meditation stimulate brain areas linked to social bonding, such as the prefrontal cortex. Faith-based practices often reduce feelings of loneliness by fostering a sense of divine companionship, alleviating emotional pain, and promoting a sense of well-being.
Being human means you will experience loneliness. But this need not be a permanent feature of your life. By taking small, deliberate steps, as just described, you can find a renewed sense of purpose and connection with others.
At first, the effort required to succeed may feel daunting. Ignore those feelings. They are not accurate reflections of what you can expect if you tenaciously continue on the path.
Don’t shy away from taking steps that feel risky. Instead, be smart in how you move forward, putting focused energy into doing the hard work that’s required, and enjoy the promise of experiencing better days ahead.
References
Cacioppo, J. T., & Cacioppo, S. (2018). The growing problem of loneliness. Nature Neuroscience, 22(2), 126–129.
Haslam, C., Jetten, J., Cruwys, T., Dingle, G., & Haslam, S. A. (2014). Group memberships protect against future depression, alleviate depression symptoms, and prevent depression relapse. Social Science & Medicine, 103, 90-99.
Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., Baker, M., Harris, T., & Stephenson, D. (2015). Loneliness and social isolation as risk factors for mortality: A meta-analytic review. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 10(2), 227–237.
Masi, C. M., Chen, H. Y., Hawkley, L. C., & Cacioppo, J. T. (2011). A meta-analysis of interventions to reduce loneliness. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 15(3), 219-266.
Pinquart, M., & Sörensen, S. (2001). Influences on loneliness in older adults: A meta-analysis. Basic and Applied Social Psychology, 23(4), 245-266.
Primack, B. A., Shensa, A., Sidani, J. E., Whaite, E. O., Lin, L. Y., Rosen, D., … & Miller, E. (2017). Social media use and perceived social isolation among young adults in the U.S. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 53(1), 1-8.
Kierkegaard, S., The Sickness Unto Death, Princeton University Press, 1941.
Lambert, N. M., et al., “Prayer and Spirituality,” Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 2013.
Three common but often overlooked cognitive biases easily create major blind spots in the early stages of a romance. If you understand how these blind spots arise, you can more effectively weed out those men or women who would be a poor romantic match. That's a big win.
Think of this knowledge as an emotional "survival skill."
After all, you want to put your energy into relationships that are most likely to be rewarding and fulfilling but avoid those that leave you disappointed, betrayed, and sometimes bitter.
The first bias to consider is “self-essentialist reasoning.” This term refers to a common bias that begins with the idea that people tend to assume that everyone has a core or essential essence. This core essence, in turn, is unchanging and responsible for driving a person’s behavior.
There is a tendency to be attracted to and think the best of those with whom we believe we share our core essence.
Examples of "core essences" include being empathetic, courageous, adventurous, or creative. None of this is to imply that research shows that people can be defined by a core essence, only that we have a bias that assumes this to be true.
How does someone come to conclude what another person's core essence is? Here is where the unconscious bias comes into the picture because our tendency is to first categorize others based on attributes we share in common, and then assume that these shared attributes also reflect a shared core essence.
An example of this bias is believing that because someone shops at an organic grocery store, and you too shop at that store, then this other person also shares your political views, drives an electric car, and wants to save the environment.
That is, because they share some superficial similarities, they also share deeper, more essential similarities that reflect your own essence.
One way self-essentialist reasoning influences romantic attraction is through the illusion of compatibility. When we meet someone who we believe shares our own essence, we tend to believe they possess many other important core similarities, which in turn makes them more attractive.
Although you could be correct, it is best to assume that the jury is out until more evidence is presented. The risk of falsely believing that you share deeply important qualities with someone to whom you are attracted is that you will then begin to develop a relationship with someone who, in fact, lacks the foundation you are counting upon.
This is a recipe for later disappointment and heartache.
The halo effect refers to a psychological bias wherein our positive view of one aspect of an individual tends to unconsciously push us to view that person more positively in other areas as well.
This is similar to the "self-essentialist" bias, but the difference is that it does not focus on an assumption of sharing core personal qualities. That is, we do not begin with a belief that we and another person share the same core essence. Instead, it is enough that the other person displays some virtue or quality we highly admire. This, in turn, leads us to assume they also have several other desirable qualities.
For example, the extremely successful person you meet may then be assumed to be organized and focused as well. The self-confident person may also be assumed to be a good decision-maker and of superior intelligence. These are examples of the halo effect.
This bias can also enhance romantic attraction as it leads us to credit potential romantic partners with virtues they lack and downplay their flaws. The result is an idealized version of the person we desire, but not an accurate understanding of who they truly are in life.
When our idealized view of someone conflicts with reality, a mental battle occurs, and reality always wins.
Physical attraction often provides the initial spark that draws individuals together. When physical attraction is strong, people tend to assume that the person is not only attractive but also possesses a number of other desirable qualities.
This bias is known as the "what is beautiful is good" stereotype. Put another way, attractive individuals cause us to automatically assume they have any number of other desirable (yet unproven) qualities.
Someone who is perceived as physically attractive, for example, may also be seen as kind, intelligent, or trustworthy, even in the absence of any supporting evidence. The handsome and beautiful people of the world benefit, in first encounters, by having many other desirable qualities attributed to their "win column."
It would be unfair to begrudge them this benefit. After all, they are not intentionally attempting deceit but are simply enjoying unearned points awarded by how the human brain works. But it would be unwise to not appreciate how this dynamic may be at work the next time you find yourself in the throes of strong attraction.
Beware of assuming too much. No matter how beautiful or handsome the target of your affection, they are no more likely to have those other qualities you seek than the less attractive individual standing next to them.
The first step in minimizing the impact these biases have on a developing romance is to simply be aware of their presence. Seldom do you find an absence of their influence in the early stages of a romance. Being aware of their presence allows you to take steps to minimize their impact.
You can do this by considering what draws you to that person. Take some time to really pinpoint the specific qualities that you find attractive. Then, reflect on what leads you to believe that your love interest truly has those qualities. What's the evidence?
If you end up feeling stumped when looking for supporting evidence of these attractive qualities, this should raise red flags of caution. Take a step back emotionally and consider whether you are under the influence of one of the three biases we've discussed.
Perhaps they do have these qualities but the relationship is too new for them to have fully emerged. Or perhaps you are only desiring that they exist. Either way, you will want to follow up with candid conversations about these specific concerns.
It's essential to cultivate open and honest communication. By candidly discussing one another’s needs, desires, and concerns, a deeper understanding of each other will develop, and clearer choices can be made regarding your desire to move forward or end the relationship.
Although codependency is not an official psychiatric diagnosis, it does describe a type of relationship style with which many have become familiar. When engaged in a codependent relationship, a person will constantly stifle his or her opinions, interests, and life pursuits. This is no way to live fully. By following three pieces of advice codependency can be escaped, opening oneself up to new possibilities and a richer life.
Anxiety can get in the way of achieving important goals. One of these goals is something nearly everyone shares: building a healthy, long-lasting, intimate relationship with someone with whom they will share a lifetime of experiences. Instead of remaining frustrated with a series of failed romances that have been sabotaged by anxiety, wouldn’t it be better to learn how to tame these fears and then enjoy what you’ve long sought after?
Rejection sensitive people deeply wish to establish rewarding intimate relationships, but they are convinced that potential partners will in some way hurt or betray them. Consequently they misread the behavior of their love interests, reading too much into what are in fact innocent gaffs or clumsy statements. These misunderstandings lead to conflict, and the eventual end of the relationship.
Pulling back the curtain on those secret places of the heart is both exciting and painful. Vulnerability is required. This is the price that must be paid to seize the prize of deep and mature intimacy with another.
Most men and women yearn for this type of connection. This in turn makes it a very odd thing that despite the value with which such intimacy is held so few people appear to understand how to build it, and just as important, how it can be maintained.
Most adults find themselves settling down at some point in a committed relationship, and yet some choose to avoid any significant commitment to a partner. There are four common reasons that people are “commitment phobic.” If you are wondering why your current partner won’t commit (or why you’ve never managed to commit to any of your own past partners), the answer is likely one of the four reasons explained here.
Relying on the standard of “Did I enjoy myself?” for determining whether to continue to date someone is insane. It means relegating these decisions to your limbic system (your lizard brain). When was the last time you asked a reptile for help in making a decision? You see my point. To steer your dating life in a more satisfying direction it is important to minimize the influence of the lizard and rely instead on your frontal cortex. The logical operating center of your brain.
Apologies play an important function in relationship repair because they serve as a first step in rebuilding a bridge that has been burnt. They express a wish to heal a wound that has been inflicted. An effective apology goes a long way to achieving these ends. A poorly crafted apology creates a wider chasm of hurt and mistrust.
Healthy intimacy combines a sense of belonging with a sense of being deeply appreciated and desired. Because healthy intimacy involves being prized despite your flaws and shortcomings, this depth of belonging is rare. It requires building a sturdy foundation of trust, a prerequisite for genuine self-disclosure. This process is risky and consequently, time-consuming. Many people, however, try to take shortcuts. They substitute…
People who commit or attempt suicide often report feeling hopeless. Struggling with emotional turmoil, feeling helpless to bring about a solution, the suicidal person most often simply wants to escape the pain that unceasingly presses in on them from all sides. Contrary to popular opinion, they are not looking to obtain heaven. Their primary wish is to escape the hell of their current experience.
Money plays a major role in each person’s mental life. For some, it is a measure of success., for others a deep source of security and stability. It can be used to fulfill dreams as well as everyday needs. Given the personal and practical importance attached to money it is little wonder so many couples find it a source of marital acrimony.
Being overly dependent on the approval of others leads to a life of worry. Looking over your shoulder to sure that no one is angry with you. Suppressing your own desires, goals, and opinions for the sake of pleasing others. Learning how to throw off the weight of these anxieties, however, opens the door to deeper friendships, more interesting adventures, and a much more fulfilling life.
It is the nature of infancy and toddlerhood that narcissism reigns supreme. People are born as little bundles of narcissistic impulses and desires.
This is a natural phase of growing up.
At some point, however, as children mature, a shift in perspective takes place. An awareness develops in a child that he, or she, is not the center of the universe.
Additionally, an ability to control emotions begins to take root. Tantrums become less frequent. Frustration with not getting one’s own way lessens. Feeling hurt because others disagree with you becomes less frequent.
These are signs that the narcissism of infancy and toddlerhood is beginning to fade. An appreciation for others and their well-being .expands.
Parents smile as they recognize that their child is on the way to becoming a mature adult. In time, the narcissistic impulses of the earlier years will be replaced with the qualities of a fully grown man or woman.
But this is not always true. Some children remain entrenched within their narcissistic cocoon. Emotionally, they remain convinced they are the gravitational center of every relationship.
Narcissism occurs when this view persists and becomes crystallized as part of one’s adult personality.
A formal diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder requires that an individual be found to have at least five of the following nine characteristics:
A grandiose sense of self-importance
A fixation with fantasies of infinite success, control, brilliance, beauty, or idyllic love
A belief that he or she is extraordinary and exceptional and can only be understood by, or should connect with, other extraordinary or important people or institutions
A desire for unwarranted admiration
A sense of entitlement
Interpersonally oppressive behavior
Lacking empathy
Deep resentment of others, or a conviction that others are resentful of him or her
Egotistical and conceited behaviors or attitudes
To be fair, each of us has some of these characteristics to some degree. It is an unfortunate aspect of being human.
What sets narcissists apart, however, is the depth and consistency with which they embrace these qualities. The narcissist, for example, does not simply have a rare weak moment in which feeling special and superior comes to the forefront.
Instead, this is a core perspective that guides much of their daily life. Narcissists know they are special. They feel it deep in their souls.
And they need it to be true. Desperately. (This is an essential point to understand which we’ll return to in just a moment).
To reassure themself that they are special narcissists incessantly remind others of just how exceptional they are… and how lucky you are to be within their social orbit.
These efforts are an essential part of maintaining the delusion of grandeur.
A common misperception, however, is that narcissists do this by incessantly bragging. That is only sometimes true.
More often their attempts to impress do not involve bragging at all but instead, come across in the way they highlight their importance, or status, within the fabric of everyday conversations.
An example may help.
Shortly after entering graduate school, I became friendly with another student. Let’s call him Jules (not his actual name). One day Jules stopped me while I was heading to class. In a conspiratorial tone, he leaned in and said “Forrest, I’ve been giving this a lot of thought and I would like to get your phone number.”
Jules paused, looking satisfied with himself. Not waiting for a reply he lowered his voice and confided “To tell you the truth I really don’t ask many people for their contact information, but I’ve sized you up…”
Another hesitation, followed by a knowing expression and a raised eyebrow “Yes, I’ve made some mental notes, and I’ve concluded that you stand apart from the other graduate students that entered our program this year.”
Jules then took a step back, spread his arms and smiled broadly as though he had just nominated me for a prestigious award. With a flourish he reached into the breast pocket of his sports coat and produced a slim palm-sized book. “So I’m going to add your number to my phone book. And I’m not talking about my regular phone book. No, I want your number for my black book… that’s the one reserved for just a few special friends.”
You see what’s happening in that brief request? Jules’ narcissistic perspective of himself as special is reflected in his describing:
The deep thinking that needed to be applied before adding someone to his contact list
The fact that not everyone ‘makes the grade’ and is put on this list
And that for others to be a part of his world, they too need to be special.
When you are on the receiving end of this behavior you will find it either flattering, or vaguely creepy (this landed squarely in the creepy category).
Although narcissists behave as though they are confident in their superiority the truth is very different. Insecurity is the norm. Confidence is paper thin.
The slightest insult can ignite a gnawing sense of distress. A social snub can lead to full-blown panic.
What most would consider a minor disagreement the narcissist experiences a brutal disregard for his or her well-being.
This is because the narcissist’s self-worth depends on having their grandiose views constantly confirmed. Anything that contradicts their perception of being exceptional is threatening.
These extreme reactions occur because narcissists lack a realistic sense of their worth.
They live having to balance a fundamental paradox: I’m special and extraordinary but this is only true when others treat me as special and extraordinary.
When others fail to behave in ways that support their grandiosity the narcissist becomes terrified. His or her core sense of identity feels under attack. The core of what makes them who they are is shaken.
To regain a sense of security the narcissist responds by lashing out. It’s as though they feel if only the person who has challenged their grandiosity can be cut down and diminished, then whatever that person has said or done will not matter so much. The threat won’t be valid. It will lose its impact.
After being on the receiving end of these narcissistic reactions one may (out of pity, exhaustion, or both) apologize. At first this will suffice. The narcissist will feel mollified.
But eventually the same thing will happen again. An apology will not suffice when you’ve become a repeat offender.
Begging forgiveness is the next step. For the narcissist, having someone ask for forgiveness is emotional ambrosia.
Not only does this mean the threat to their feeling special has been beaten back, but now the narcissist is in a position of power.
He or she takes control of the relationship by possessing the healing nectar of forgiveness. It is theirs to give and thereby restore harmony, or to deny and keep the other person in their debt.
I frequently get asked what someone can do if they are in a romantic relationship with a narcissist. My answer is ‘Head for the exit. Quickly.’
The reason for this response is that narcissists seldom change. It is exceedingly rare for a narcissist to change because it requires acknowledging the very thing they find so terrifying: admitting that they are not special.
And worse, it requires that they also acknowledge that they have major failings. Heart stabbing, serious shortcomings.
That is the very opposite of being exceptional. Embracing this idea threatens their core identity. What they have based their life on (their exceptionality) needs to be given up. Not many people are willing to make that type of sacrifice.
Although many narcissists struggle with depression and anxiety due to the problems their narcissism creates, this is seldom enough to motivate them to change.
Instead, they will have moments of repentance, or go to therapy for a short time, but upon starting to feel a little better they end their efforts and return to their old ways.
So, what should you do if you are single and the object of your romantic affection is a narcissist? Head for the nearest exit.
Do so with grace, with kindness, without rancor, but cut the cord and get the hell out of Dodge.
The narcissist will accuse you of being cruel, selfish, and possessing many other unsavory qualities. You will be tempted to stay because the narcissist will be hurt and feel vulnerable.
Ignore all of that. Don’t look back. Remember the fate of Lot's wife… block of salt, right? You don’t want that for yourself.
You cannot fix the narcissist, but you can move on. And when you do, and gain some distance, you’ll realize that you did the only thing that made sense.
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