Divorce is one of the most challenging life events a person can experience.
And yet, nearly everyone who chooses to divorce their spouse sees this as a way of disentangling themselves from a problem that is stunting their happiness and creating great suffering. That is, ending a marriage that has become a source of poignant hurt and disappointment.
This is an understandable reaction.
Moreover, it is a commonly relied upon solution. According to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), about 3 out of every 1000 people become divorced each year (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2022).
To put this statistic in perspective, although the overall rate of divorce in any given year is .3%, nearly one-third of all marriages end in divorce within ten years (Center for Disease Control and Prevention, 2001).
A remarkably high percentage as you can tell if you imagine attending three weddings over the next couple of years. The odds are that one of those marriages will end in divorce and heartache.
A rather sobering thought to entertain while you munch on hors d'oeuvres, sip champagne and watch the happy couple dancing after the vows are completed.
The solution that divorce offers for escaping an unhappy marriage comes at a high price. Research shows that the stress attached to divorce is extreme. In some studies it ranks just lower than the stress of a spouse’s death. Of course, for some, those who are in a bitter divorce, the death of a spouse is not exactly the earth-shattering event one would expect in a happy marriage. (Holmes and Rahe, 1967).
In this article, we’ll explore what research has to say about the impact of divorce on mental health, happiness, and well-being.
In addition, we’ll look at how men and women can move forward after a divorce—and how they can help their children through the transition.
The Psychological Toll of Divorce on Adults
Many people think of divorce as a fresh start. They are not wrong. It is 100% the beginning of a new chapter in life.
But what kind of start? Studies indicate that divorced individuals frequently experience higher levels of depression, anxiety, loneliness, and even physical health issues compared to their married counterparts.
A study by Linda Waite and her colleagues (2002) illustrates this point. They analyzed data from the National Survey of Families and Households, and specifically focused on 645 individuals who rated their marriage as unhappy.
Five years later these individuals were interviewed again. Some of these study subjects had divorced during those five years, others stayed married.
They found that five years after a divorce, most people were not significantly happier than those who had remained. The study used measures such as self-reported life satisfaction, depression scales, and physical health indicators.
Interestingly, their research also found that many individuals who initially reported being deeply unhappy in their marriages found that their satisfaction levels improved over time—without divorcing. Very likely these couples found the means, and a new perspective, for dealing with those conflicts that would otherwise create unending distress.
They summarized their findings as follows: “WITH THE IMPORTANT EXCEPTION of helping spouses escape violent marriages, divorce typically failed to deliver the promised psychological benefits for adults. Five years later, unhappily married adults who divorced or separated were, on average, no happier, no less depressed, had no higher self-esteem, no greater sense of personal mastery, and showed increased alcohol use compared to unhappily married adults who stayed married. Almost two-thirds of unhappy spouses who stuck with the marriage forged happy marriages down the road” (page 33).
This is consistent with a study by Amato and Booth (2000) who followed over 2,000 married individuals over the course of five years. The study measured psychological well-being, marital satisfaction, and overall life happiness.
Results from their analysis showed that those who initially rated their marriages as unhappy but remained together reported higher levels of happiness five years later than those who divorced.
Interestingly, even individuals who described their marriages as “very unhappy” but stayed together reported significant improvement over time.
Let’s turn to one last study by Amato and Hohmann-Marriott (2007). The researchers looked at data from over 10,000 participants in the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent to Adult Health. They found that couples who divorced due to high-conflict marriages generally experienced a boost in well-being post-divorce.
Conversely, those who divorced due to lower-conflict marriages often faced regret and a decline in life satisfaction post-divorce. One reasonable conclusion that can be drawn from this finding is that the impact of divorce is heavily dependent on the quality of the marriage prior to separation.1
Moving Forward After Divorce: What Can You Do?
If you’ve decided that despite the risks and challenges divorce imposes it is still the best choice for you, there are several steps you can take that will help you build a brighter future.
1. Seek Professional Support
Get professional guidance. Divorce will result in a cascade of emotions. At times your view of life will jump from one extreme to another. A sense of peace, purpose and optimism will appear foreign.
Counseling can help you keep moving forward. Assist in sorting out the confusion, gain perspective and find coping strategies that specifically work for you.
2. Build a Support System
One of the biggest challenges post-divorce is loneliness (Civitci, Civitci, & Fiyakali, 2009). Surround yourself with family and friends. Avoid isolating yourself, as social support is a key predictor of emotional resilience. In addition, be sure to get out of the house and interact with others whether that be at work, in the gym, grocery shopping, etc.
3. Focus on Personal Growth
In time it will be very helpful to take a sober look at your role in the marriage. The risk for most men and women is that they either minimize or exaggerate the role they played.
Neither of these extremes is helpful. What is useful is clearly identifying where you could have done better and taking steps to improve in these areas of your life. But this must be balanced with the recommendation that comes next.
4. Don’t Ruminate About The Past, Look Forward Toward The Future
In the aftermath of a calamity there is a tendency to ‘rerun’ the negative highlight reels in your mind. It can feel as though by replaying painful memories often enough, you’ll find some missing key that unlocks the door to a sense of peace.
That’s not going to happen through rumination. By constantly dwelling on the past, you will end up feeling stuck, depressed, angry, and frustrated.
Yes, it’s helpful to examine the trajectory of the marriage and try to determine how it might have been saved. But this is far different from performing a never ending post-mortem on a love that died.
5. Help Your Children Adjust
Worrying about children is one of the biggest stressors for divorced parents. Helping your children adjust will significantly reduce this stress.
Children need stability and reassurance during and after a divorce. Here are a few ways to support them:
• Minimize Conflict: Shield your children from parental disputes as much as possible. Studies show that parental conflict, more than divorce itself, is the primary cause of psychological distress in children.
• Maintain Routines: Keeping daily life as predictable as possible helps children feel secure.
• Encourage Communication: Your children, like yourself, will have strong feelings about the divorce. In addition, like you, they may go through periods of confusion. It is helpful to encourage them to express their feelings - without judgment. Likewise, remind them that although many things have changed due to the divorce, one thing remains constant – that you and your ex continue to love them and will be part of their lives.
• Seek Professional Help if Needed: If your child shows signs of persistent distress, consider counseling or therapy to help them cope.
Conclusion
The psychological consequences of divorce are often immense and long-lasting. Although some individuals benefit from leaving an unhappy marriage, most do not achieve the long-term happiness they anticipated. Just the opposite.
The risk/benefit ratio of divorce needs to be soberly weighed before making a decision to end your marriage.
1 None of what we’ve examined touches on an issue of central importance: What impact does divorce have on children? This is something that deserves more attention and a separate article.
References
Amato, P. R., & Booth, A. (2000). A generation at risk: Growing up in an era of family upheaval. Harvard University Press.
Amato, P. R., & Hohmann-Marriott, B. (2007). A comparison of high- and low-distress marriages that end in divorce. Journal of Marriage and Family, 69(3), 621-638. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2007.00396.x
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (n.d.). FastStats - Marriage and Divorce. National Center for Health Statistics. https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/marriage-divorce.htm
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2001). First Marriage Dissolution, Divorce, and Remarriage: United States. https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/pressroom/01news/firstmarr.htm
Civitci, N., Civitci, A., & Fiyakali, N. C. (2009). Loneliness and life satisfaction in adolescents with divorced and non-divorced parents. Educational Sciences: Theory & Practice, 9(2), 513–525. https://files.eric.ed.gov/fulltext/EJ847764.pdf
Holmes, T. H., & Rahe, R. H. (1967). The social readjustment rating scale. Journal of Psychosomatic Research, 11(2), 213–218. https://doi.org/10.1016/0022-3999(67)90010-4
Waite, L. J., & Gallagher, M. (2000). The case for marriage: Why married people are happier, healthier, and better off financially. Doubleday.
Wallerstein, J. S. (2000). The unexpected legacy of divorce: A 25-year landmark study. Hyperion.
