The deep and mature intimacy found in a healthy romantic relationship is uniquely satisfying. This intimacy is far different from what newly enchanted lovers experience. Their intimacy is fueled by a powerful amalgamation of infatuation and lust. Heady stuff for sure, but a flimsy imitation of genuine intimacy.
We can see the difference when recognizing that lust, or sexual desire, is a rudderless impulse capriciously attaching itself to a variety of attractive individuals. Most often the only criterion for its satisfaction is that certain physical, or otherwise superficial, characteristics exist in the other person.
The other fuel fanning the flames of intimacy in a new romance is infatuation. This temporary obsession springs forth from the naïve belief that all those yet-to-be-discovered qualities of one’s new love interest will fulfill one’s desires in the same way that those already known qualities have done thus far.
This belief is thoroughly grounded on hope. Wishful thinking.
We know this to be true because the other person is still largely unknown during the initial stages of a romance. Deep knowledge of another takes time to acquire, and when it is secured the result is always a mixed bag. Your new lover is always found to have flaws. With any luck, these are flaws with which you can live. Nevertheless, these imperfections are the rocks upon which infatuation breaks apart and reality rushes in.
Contrast all of this with the mature intimacy that grows over time, nurtured by a steady process of mutual disclosure and discovery. Self-revelations that expose unexpected strengths, and surprising fault lines. This entire process often feels precarious and risky.
Pulling back the curtain on those secret places of the heart is both exciting and painful. Vulnerability is required. This is the price that must be paid to seize the prize of deep and mature intimacy with another.
Most men and women yearn for this type of connection. This in turn makes it a very odd thing that despite the value with which such intimacy is held so few people appear to understand how to build it, and just as important, how it can be maintained.
Fortunately, the ways in which mature intimacy is built and maintained are surprisingly straightforward. Let’s look at the basics.
Boundaries are essential. If what you show, do, or otherwise become involved in is also shared with a large number of other people, then intimacy suffers. This is easily seen by contrasting sexual intimacy with a prostitute, versus sexual intimacy with someone who has waited their whole life to share that experience with a person he/she deems special.
Similarly, the secret hideaway found on a long hike that is only known to you has a special sense of intimacy attached to it when compared to visiting a National Park with a busload of strangers. Both may be beautiful, enticing, and attractive, but the secret hideaway carries with it a sweet note of singular attraction with which no degree of grandeur or beauty can compete.
Decide whether you wish to treat your intimate life as though it were a public attraction or an exclusive enclave. The intimacies you share with your romantic mate should remain between the two of you. They are not to be shared with others (this goes far beyond just the sexual relationship and includes sharing dreams, disappointments, fears, conflicts and so forth).
Anticipation heightens intimacy just as it heightens many other experiences in life. Christmas, for example, is special for children in part because it occurs once a year, and as such involves anticipation. This anticipation is elevated by all the traditions and festivities that lead up to Christmas.
Your most intimate relationships should also contain a sense of anticipation. One of the primary ways in which anticipation can deepen intimacy is by intentionally developing your relationship in a slow and thoughtful manner. The timing of significant events should not be rushed. These might include introducing someone to your family; the explicit expression of love; physical intimacy, etc.
Individual traditions, or unique expressions of fondness, likewise heighten intimacy. This is frequently seen in couples when they refer to “The special coffee shop where we would spend time together” or they recall that “Every winter we would rent a cabin in the Sierras.”
Some traditions are of a smaller scale but just as important, as when a husband brings home flowers on the first Monday of each month, or the wife includes a sweet note in her husband’s luggage whenever he travels.
Facing hardships together also helps to build intimacy, especially when there is a palpable sense of risk involved. This is frequently seen in non-romantic intimacy. Consider the lifelong bonds forged between combat veterans who served in the same unit during wartime. The power of these experiences is so strong that it is not uncommon for soldiers who do not particularly like one another on a personal level, to nevertheless feel eternally bonded because they fought and bled together.
Although few couples will ever be in a life-or-death struggle together, hardships are common in every life. If you wish to have a more intimate relationship with your spouse or romantic interest, step up to be by their side when hardships sweep over their life.
Expressing vulnerability is frequently mentioned as something that promotes intimacy, and we touched on it earlier. Its potency depends, however, on not showing the same level of vulnerability to others as you do to the one you love.
Showing vulnerability is similar to sharing a secret. People feel special when they are let in on a secret, but later feel let down if they come to realize that one hundred other people have likewise been told that same secret. The special place they held in the secret teller's life is exposed as less than special. The same is true when expressing vulnerability.
Trust is foundational to genuine intimacy. One can work diligently for years to build a beautifully close and uniquely intimate relationship only to have it collapse like a sandcastle washed away by the incoming tide once trust is violated.
When trust decays it creates a void where questions grow concerning the reality of the past. Did the other person really mean what he or she said? Were those special moments genuinely unique to us? Was his or her reaction to my vulnerability really motivated by concern?
It is not enough to pour effort into building a fortress of intimacy. One must also guard it against those forces that would tear it down. Although there are many threats to watch for (neglect, fatigue, stress, self-absorption), the most poisonous of all is a violation of trust.
Conclusion
The yearning for a mature, deep, and romantically intimate relationship is universal. Although many people will go a lifetime without experiencing this type of connection, it is within the grasp of most men and women. The key is to treat such relationships with the importance they deserve and focus on those few key elements described above.
The biggest obstacle to your success will be your willingness to embrace the risk of rejection and disappointment. But these risks are unavoidable. Every great achievement in life requires traveling down a road that is filled with hazards. Far more important is considering the cost of not taking a chance. Of letting fear hold you back, and subsequently living under the lifelong shadow of unfulfilled longings.
My advice? Be bold. Take the risk.
