Soul Mates
Everyone would like to find a ‘soul mate.’ In movies and books, this sort of person is portrayed as being someone with whom you have a deep, almost spiritual connection. You feel whole and at peace when in one another’s company. They know your deepest secrets, the flaws you hide from others.
The soulmate binds old wounds, acts as confidant, friend, lover, counselor, cheerleader, protector, and, when necessary, even takes on a kindly parental tone.
“Wow, someone who fully appreciates the whole of me.” The real you can finally be known, without reservation. You share all the same values and life goals. It feels as though you were fated to be together, and in doing so you complete one another.
Sounds good? I bet it does. It would be wonderful.
I’ve known people who spend a lifetime looking for their soulmate. And I have even spoken with those who told me that they had found their soulmate. Most of the time, this turned out to be a case of mistaken identity that took a few years, and sometimes a divorce attorney, to clear up.
You see, the sort of soulmate described by popular culture is very much like a unicorn. Beautiful, mystifying, elusive… and mythical.
An unrealistic, overly romanticized version of an ideal relationship that is untethered to reality can lead to less satisfying relationships. 1
A More Helpful Approach
Much better is to take aim at finding a wonderful yet imperfect person with whom you can fall in love, and with whom you build a terrific future.
But this requires accepting someone who falls short of the ideal, yet contains certain qualities that are essential in your eyes.
A good place to begin is to acknowledge that everyone has flaws - including you. These imperfections are bound to show up in our closest relationships. Being loved may round over some of the sharp edges in your lover’s personality, but it cannot expunge all insecurities, selfish impulses, or past hurts.
To expect otherwise will make you more likely to miss out on what would be a fulfilling relationship.
Aiming for a soulmate can lead you to expect the stars. When you end up receiving the moon, you’re likely to feel shortchanged and wonder if ‘someone better’ might soon appear.
Why settle for the imperfect person when a ‘real soulmate’ waits for you somewhere else in the world?
This sort of thinking leads to constant disillusionment. If left uncorrected, it will lead you so far astray that you miss out altogether on developing a long-lasting, fulfilling relationship with someone who cares about you deeply.
Instead of building a satisfying real-life relationship, you’ll end up chasing a phantom. You may become so disillusioned that you begin to fear commitment because someone who meets all these needs is just a flirtation away.
So put the idea of finding a soulmate on the shelf, right next to other fairytales, and think instead of the half dozen or so qualities that a spouse (or intimate partner) would absolutely have to possess in order to be a good match for you.
Write these qualities down on a piece of paper. But don't stop just yet. Also write down how you would know that a person possessed these qualities.
For example, if it’s important to you that someone be kind and compassionate how would you expect that to show up in daily life? Perhaps you glimpse this trait when the person is being thoughtful, volunteering for a charity, or helping family and friends even when it is inconvenient.
The more times you see this person acting kindly, and over a long period of time, the more confident you are that this is a quality he or she genuinely possesses.
After you’ve completed this list it’s time to write another. Don't neglect this step. It's just as important as the last, but aimed in the opposite direction.
Jot down those qualities that you absolutely, 100%, without a doubt, do not want in a romantic partner.
If it is a quality that you honestly cannot live with, then it belongs on this list. It is not a matter of justifying why it is right to think of that quality as a deal breaker. If you find it an impossible quality to live with, put it on the list.
Now you have two columns of essential qualities. Those characteristics a romantic partner must have, and those that he or she must not possess.
These are not abstract visions about what will lead you to a soulmate. Those pie-in-the-sky targets of love are not helpful. They are too abstract and prone to being confused with the infatuation and lust that mark the initial phase of most romances.
Much more helpful is a clear understanding of the important characteristics another person needs to have in order to build an intimate and happy life with you. 2
The list you just made provides that information. It helps you stay focused on what you genuinely need, and leads you to judge a romantic partner by his/her behavior (not their words). Now you have something useful to rely upon, rather than a romanticized vision of what a lifelong lover looks like according to popular culture.
Final Thoughts
The work of figuring out what should be on each list provides clarity about what is most important to you in a flesh-and-blood ‘soulmate.’ By seeing things more clearly, you free yourself from chasing unicorns and open yourself to finding a deeply satisfying, real-life relationship.
References
1 Bredow, C. A. (2015). Chasing Prince Charming: Partnering consequences of holding unrealistic standards for a spouse. Personal Relationships, 22(3), 476–501. https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12091
2 Eastwick, P. W., Finkel, E. J., & Eagly, A. H. (2011). When and why do ideal partner preferences affect the process of initiating and maintaining romantic relationships? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 101(5), 1012–1032. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0024062
