If you want to solve a problem, the first step is to identify what is causing it. If you get this wrong, you'll likely be frustrated by whatever solutions you try.
One area where this often arises is in romance. Many people who struggle to build satisfying romantic relationships conclude that the real problem keeping them from building a healthy romance is a lack of self-love.
This is reflected in statements like, “I need to learn to love myself before I can truly love someone else.”
On the surface, this idea seems plausible. In reality, it just leads to more heartache. The problem, for most folks who endorse this solution, is not a lack of self-love.
The problem is that the bad relationships they continually enter into create a sense of being unlovable. There are many reasons someone perpetually enters into unhealthy relationships, and we will look at a couple of these and how to turn things around.
But first, let’s look at why “I need to learn to love myself..” seldom works.
Why “I need to love myself before I can love someone else” Makes No Sense
Let’s start with the easy part. I don’t recommend self-loathing. Having a generally positive attitude about yourself is a good thing.
But the common refrain that one must learn to love oneself before loving others makes no sense. It overlooks fundamental aspects of human development.
Consider infants and toddlers. They start life as little bundles of self-centeredness. To become healthy adults, they must transition from a ‘me-centered’ outlook to an ‘other-centered’ approach.
A great deal of parental effort is dedicated to helping their children strike a healthy balance between their own wants versus the needs of others. When this effort fails, children grow up to become either self-absorbed narcissists or painfully submissive people-pleasers.
When successful, however, it is because children have learned to love themselves in a mature way by first being loved by their parents.
“Loving myself” into maturity is not part of the program.
Love: More Than a Feeling
At the heart of love lies a desire for another person’s well-being, accompanied by an appreciation for their unique qualities and feelings of deep affection.
This should not be mistaken for simply having a strong emotional attachment or a desperate urge to be in someone’s presence. While these feelings can create an exhilarating experience, they are merely the typical precursors to romantic love, not love itself.
Rather than being indicators of a deep and mature love, they more often reflect infatuation, lust, and social ambition (or a good cigar, speaking from personal experience).
Why the ‘Love Myself Better’ Approach Typically Fails
When examining the advice given to those hoping to cultivate greater ‘self-love,’ I came across several self-affirmations that were highly recommended.
These include statements like:
I accept that I’m unstoppable and unshakable
I am aware that I’m powerful
I accept all my perceived flaws
I know that all the love I need is within me
I accept others for who they are.
While well-intentioned, these affirmations are unlikely to be effective. A person struggling with ‘self-love’ typically does not feel unshakable or powerful, and they do not truly accept their flaws. Moreover, if they did thoroughly accept their flaws, personal growth would come to a screeching halt. Not a great idea.
What’s more, the notion that all the love one needs is self-love tends to reinforce narcissism. That affirmation is also unlikely to be helpful.
A blanket acceptance of others ‘for who they are’ is suspect because it so easily leads to a lack of accountability for their misbehavior, something essential in a healthy relationship.
In short, simply reciting these affirmations will not change someone’s self-perception. It’s similar to the character Michael Scott from the television series “The Office” shouting, “I declare bankruptcy”—a bold statement that does not actually result in bankruptcy.
Another obstacle that prevents self-affirmations from taking root is our familiarity with ourselves. The secret failings we keep hidden from the world are all too visible to us. Our flaws are often displayed on a mental carousel, causing us to cringe each time they come to mind.
Unless one possesses an excessive degree of narcissism, it is easier to love others than to love oneself. We know the dark corridors of our own hearts and minds too intimately for it to be otherwise.
Now here is a twist. Individuals who end up accepting that the solution to their romantic problems is to love themselves better are very likely to also be those folks who not only know their own flaws so well but also obsess over them.
They dwell on past mistakes and exaggerate personal flaws.
Their constant internal chorus of negative thoughts then leads them to accepting unhealthy relationships - “I don’t deserve better” tumbles around in the back of their mind.
The people they become involved with tend to be self-centered, controlling, and critical. Because the individual seeking self-love is already focused on their own personal shortcomings, they feel incapable of standing up to a harsh friend or romantic partner. Instead, they submit and try to win approval by improving themselves.
This creates a downward spiral from which the only escape is to end the relationship. Repeated over time, you arrive at the point where someone understandably concludes, “I need to learn to love myself before I can give and receive love from others.”
A Better Solution: Earn Self-Respect and Cultivate Self-Compassion
Instead of trying to convince yourself to feel more self-affirming and affectionate, it would be more beneficial to work on building self-respect and self-compassion.
Cultivating self-respect is generally easier than generating warm feelings towards yourself. Start by considering the character traits in others that you admire, such as diligence, reliability, kindness, bravery, etc. Think of someone you know who embodies these qualities and write down what they have done that reflects these traits.
Next, ask yourself when you have also demonstrated these virtues. Write those instances down. Now, think of ways—big or small—that you can exhibit these virtues in the coming week.
Commit to doing so and keep a record of these interactions in a journal. Regularly review your progress without being critical. Instead, view your examples of virtuous character through the eyes of a trusted friend. Over time, you’ll begin to see yourself differently and strengthen the character qualities you admire, creating fertile ground for boosting your self-respect.
To develop greater self-compassion, you can begin similarly by reflecting on times when you have shown compassion to family or friends. Ask yourself if you have extended the same compassion to yourself in similar situations.
Likely, you have not. Start the practice of viewing your mistakes from the perspective of a close friend or family member. This does not mean making excuses, but it does require you to stop harshly punishing yourself for every misstep. While this may be challenging, if you persist and approach it with honesty, your tendency to be self-critical will slowly recede.
Conclusion
If you believe that the solution to your ongoing romantic heartaches is to learn to love yourself, take a moment to reconsider. Instead, focus on building greater self-respect and self-compassion. Although this process will take time and hard work, the rewards will be far greater and more enduring than merely trying to cultivate self-love.
