One of the most alluring stages of romance occurs early on when the object of your attraction remains a mystery. You know enough to be captivated, but there is so much more still to be learned.
Think of this phase of the relationship as similar to entering the great room of a private castle. Within the large entryway several hallways lead off in various directions, each having doorways to sundry rooms.
Behind every door there are secrets that most people have never seen, because few are ever invited to venture that far within the castle walls.
Some of these rooms contain past heartaches, and others hold memories of hard-won victories from years past. Down another hall are doors opening to rooms with passions and dreams so big they make the owner of those ambitions blush.
Within the life of each person, these carefully guarded doorways exist. The act of letting someone into these guarded rooms requires lowering one’s guard.
Vulnerability is the price everyone must pay if they are to be genuinely known.
With this in mind, it is easy to see that the way you respond to what is discovered after being invited in will determine if the romance grows or withers away.
It would be easy to assume from this insight that the best way to advance your relationship, in this early phase, is to engage in relentless self-disclosure. Let your new love interest know you better and observe their reaction.
There is some truth to this, but it is only half the story, and not the most important half.
Although your own self-disclosures are an essential ingredient for stoking the early fires of romance, more powerful still is making sure the object of your affection feels understood and appreciated as a result of his or her self-disclosures.
Your reaction to their vulnerability in lowering the mask that keeps others at arms distance makes all the difference.
Two sides of the same coin: your self-disclosure and their self-disclosure. One side, however, deserves more attention than the other. How you respond to your love interest’s self-revelation is more important in generating an attraction toward you than are your own self-disclosures.
Why? It stems from the natural ambivalence attached to emotional intimacy. People both fear and wish to be known. Being deeply seen, or known, and affirmed is rare. But if you risk being genuinely known and this results in rejection or loathing, that can feel devastating.
The result is ambivalence. Part of the human condition.
When your new romantic interest overcomes that ambivalence and takes the chance to be seen more clearly for who they really are, it affords you an opportunity to reassure them through your acceptance. Even better is if your response is one of interest and delight.
A positive response to self-revelations makes you more attractive.
This conclusion is affirmed by research in the field of interpersonal intimacy. Swann and colleagues, for example, found that feeling deeply understood by another leads to enhanced feelings of acceptance, heightened self-esteem by the one who feels known, and greater relationship satisfaction.1
Those are big payoffs for offering something that requires little of the giver – attention, interest and acceptance.
Similarly, research by Reis and Shaver found that a person’s self-disclosure benefits a relationship less than how that same person demonstrates understanding and acceptance in light of what another person discloses.2
A more recent finding by Shroeder and Fishback likewise found that feeling known and accepted within the context of internet dating sites leads one to feel more attracted to those whom they are considering making a date.3 That is, the would-be date who focuses on self-disclosure is less attractive than the individual who focuses on learning about the other person.
WHAT TO DO WITH THIS INFORMATION?
A fulfilling romantic relationship isn’t just about what you share; it’s about how well you understand and connect with someone on a deep level. When your romantic other feels seen and valued, the relationship naturally becomes a source of happiness and satisfaction.
Research shows that the experience of being deeply known is so rewarding that it becomes a source of attraction toward the knower. But you must keep in mind that coming to know someone more intimately goes beyond just acquiring knowledge about them. If you approach things with a ‘To Do List’ mindset, you may unwittingly cause the person to feel as though he, or she, is being studied like a bug under a glass.
What is best is to express genuine interest and empathy in your efforts to know the object of your romantic attraction more deeply. You are fascinated with this person, yes? You delight in getting to see them in ways that others do not. Correct?
Then let that sense of fascination and delight be apparent. This can be done by asking questions of a gradually deeper nature, injecting comments now and then, and an occasional compliment would not hurt (if it is sincere).
Most of all, show an appreciation for the vulnerability required to invite you well beyond and within their “castle walls.”
References
1 Swann, W. B., De La Ronde, C., & Hixon, J. G. (1992). Authenticity and positivity strivings in marriage and courtship. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 62(5), 857-869.
2 Reis, H. T., & Shaver, P. (1988). Intimacy as an interpersonal process. In S. Duck (Ed.), Handbook of personal relationships (pp. 367–389). Chichester, England: Wiley.
3 Schroeder, J. & Fishbach, A. (2024). Feeling known predicts relationship satisfaction. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, Vol. III.
