Everyone has moments of narcissism. In fact, people are born as little bundles of narcissistic impulses and desires. It is the nature of infancy and toddlerhood that narcissism reigns supreme.
At that age, children naturally believe the world should revolve around them.
But at some point, as the child gets older a shift in perspective takes place. An awareness develops that he, or she, is not the center of the universe.
Additionally, an ability to control emotions takes root. Over time it grows stronger. When the child’s desires are frustrated, he/she no longer immediately launches into a tantrum or lashes out at others.
Just as importantly, as the years go by, the child changes. He or she no longer feels hurt or rejected every time things do not go their way.
Maturity is slowly taking root. The narcissism of the earlier years is beginning to fade.
But not every child makes a successful transition. Some fail to shake off the narcissistic mantle. To be clear, this is not to claim that narcissism is simply a failure to mature. There is more to it than that… genetics, early attachment history, trauma, and environmental reinforcement all appear to play a role in its development.
No matter the specific road taken, narcissistic adults remain convinced they are the gravitational center of every relationship they enter.
Criteria For Narcissistic Personality Disorder
If you were to formally diagnose someone suspected of having a narcissistic personality it would require that you consider whether they have at least five of the following nine characteristics:
• A grandiose sense of self-importance
• A fixation with fantasies of infinite success, control, brilliance, beauty, or idyllic love
• A belief that he or she is extraordinary and exceptional and can only be understood by, or should connect with, other extraordinary or important people or institutions
• A desire for unwarranted admiration
• A sense of entitlement
• Interpersonally oppressive behavior
• Lacking empathy
• Often envious of others, or believes that others are envious of him or her
• Egotistical and conceited behaviors or attitudes
To be fair, everyone has each of these characteristics to some degree. It is an unfortunate aspect of being human.
What distinguishes a narcissist, however, is the depth and consistency with which they embrace these qualities. The narcissist, for example, does not simply have a rare weak moment in which feeling special and superior comes to the forefront. Instead, this is a crystallized perspective that guides much of their daily life.
The normal person, however, who has a moment of feeling special and superior, will most often catch themself and cringe at the thought of having acted on this perception.
NERD ALERT: A BRIEF ASIDE INTO NARCISSISM SHOWING UP IN SOME TRAITS A PERSON SHOWS, VERSUS WOVEN THROUGHOUT THEIR PERSONALITY
It is important to distinguish narcissistic traits from narcissistic personality disorder. Many people can be self-centered, status-conscious, defensive, or hungry for praise at times. These are “traits” that may be attached (unfortunately) to an otherwise normal personality.
Narcissistic personality disorder is a different animal. It involves a persistent pattern that causes significant problems in relationships, work, emotional regulation, and the person’s ability to genuinely recognize the inner life of others (Pincus & Lukowitsky, 2010). In this instance, narcissism is woven throughout the fabric of the person’s personality.
What’s more, not all narcissism looks the same. For example, some people display the familiar grandiose pattern of arrogance, entitlement, dominance, and an unquenchable need to be admired.
On the other hand, other folks express narcissism through a more vulnerable pattern seen in a chronic sense of shame, resentment, emotional volatility, hypersensitivity to criticism, and a tendency to feel overlooked, mistreated, or humiliated.
The underlying dynamic is the same in each: a fragile sense of oneself and a garrison of reactions aimed at protecting this fragility from being wounded (Miller et al., 2011).
Beneath The Fragile Facade Of Superiority
Although narcissists behave as though they are confident, the truth is very different. They are extremely insecure. The slightest insult often results in a sense of panic.
Their sense of worth depends on others consistently confirming their grandiose view of themself as being special. This view, as noted above, is central to who they are.
But deeply rooted confidence is absent. They lack a solid psychological foundation that can withstand the impact of disappointment and setbacks.
As a result, they are easily terrified when important people in their life behave in ways that fail to support their grandiosity. When this happens, the narcissist feels that his, or her, identity is under attack. The core of what makes them who they are is shaken.
To get a sense of what this is like imagine a scientist who has spent twenty years building a successful career. Much of his identity is interwoven with being a smart, hardworking and successful researcher who has improved humanity through his tireless efforts.
Then one day he wakes up and learns that all of his colleagues now consider him lazy, his research based on fraudulent data, and his contributions to science are seen as pathetic.
The researcher will feel crushed, disoriented, and confused. The identity that had given him a sense of purpose, security, and satisfaction has been shattered.
In a similar vein, narcissists depend upon their being exceptional, being special, as a means of securely facing the challenges of life. When this view is threatened, they end up feeling much like the distraught researcher in the example above.
It is, for the narcissist, a terrifying experience.
To regain a sense of security they lash out at the threat. If only the person who has challenged their grandiosity can be diminished, then whatever that person has said or done will not matter so much. The threat won’t be valid. It will lose its impact.
Or, the person who has said or done something that felt threatening may, after the narcissist assails them, apologize and retract their statement. Admit they were wrong. Better yet, apologize and beg for forgiveness… this not only removes the threat, but puts the narcissist back in a position of power because now they hold the gift of forgiveness. It is theirs to give, or to withhold.
What To Do If You Are Romantically Involved With A Narcissist
A caution before proceeding: The practical question is not simply, “Is this person a narcissist?” The better question is, “Is this relationship marked by chronic entitlement, manipulation, contempt, lack of empathy, blame-shifting, or emotional harm?”
You do not need a formal diagnosis to take those patterns seriously.
I frequently get asked what someone can do if they are in a romantic relationship with a narcissist. My answer is ‘Head for the exit. Quickly.’
The reason for this response is that narcissists seldom change. It is exceedingly rare for a narcissist to change because it requires embracing the very thing that they find so terrifying: admitting that they are not special.
And worse, it requires them to acknowledge their major failings. Serious shortcomings.
That is the very opposite of being exceptional. To embrace this idea is to face a lack of identity. What they have based their life on (their exceptionality) is given up. Not many people are willing to make that type of sacrifice.
Although many narcissists struggle with depression and anxiety due to the problems their narcissism creates, this is seldom enough to motivate them to truly change.
Meaningful change usually requires long-term, serious psychotherapy and a willingness to face shame, defensiveness, entitlement, and the harm done to others — a high bar that few sustain.
In therapy, an interesting pattern emerges. Narcissistic individual are chronically unhappy because of they feel fragile, and due to the interpersonal havoc their behavior creates. As a result, they enter therapy seeking relief from depression, anxiety, divorce, or workplace failure, but leave once the immediate distress fades.
To stay longer would require dealing with their shortcomings and failures.
So while change is possible, partners should not build their lives around the hope that love, patience, or repeated forgiveness will transform the narcissist (Yakeley, 2018).
Where does this leave their romantic partners who are struggling to figure out what to do? My answer is… Head for the nearest exit. Quickly.
Do so, of course, with grace, candor, kindness, and without rancor.
But do so decisively.
Cut the cord and get the hell out of Dodge.
The narcissist will accuse you of being cruel, selfish, and possessing many other unsavory qualities. They will feel vulnerable, hurt, and betrayed, and as a result, you will be tempted to stay.
That should tell you that a familiar pattern is at work.
Don’t give in and don’t look back. You cannot fix the narcissist, but you can move on. And when you do, and gain some distance, you’ll realize that you did the only thing that made sense.
References
Miller, J. D., Hoffman, B. J., Gaughan, E. T., Gentile, B., Maples, J., & Campbell, W. K. (2011). Grandiose and vulnerable narcissism: A nomological network analysis. Journal of Personality, 79(5), 1013–1042. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-6494.2010.00711.x
Pincus, A. L., & Lukowitsky, M. R. (2010). Pathological narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 6, 421–446. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.clinpsy.121208.131215
Yakeley, J. (2018). Current understanding of narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder. BJPsych Advances, 24(5), 305–315. https://doi.org/10.1192/bja.2018.20
