The Start Of Narcissism
It is the nature of infancy and toddlerhood that narcissism reigns supreme. People are born as little bundles of narcissistic impulses and desires.
This is a natural phase of growing up.
At some point, however, as children mature, a shift in perspective takes place. An awareness develops in a child that he, or she, is not the center of the universe.
Additionally, an ability to control emotions begins to take root. Tantrums become less frequent. Frustration with not getting one’s own way lessens. Feeling hurt because others disagree with you becomes less frequent.
These are signs that the narcissism of infancy and toddlerhood is beginning to fade. An appreciation for others and their well-being .expands.
Parents smile as they recognize that their child is on the way to becoming a mature adult. In time, the narcissistic impulses of the earlier years will be replaced with the qualities of a fully grown man or woman.
But this is not always true. Some children remain entrenched within their narcissistic cocoon. Emotionally, they remain convinced they are the gravitational center of every relationship.
Narcissism occurs when this view persists and becomes crystallized as part of one’s adult personality.
Criteria For Narcissistic Personality Disorder
A formal diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder requires that an individual be found to have at least five of the following nine characteristics:
A grandiose sense of self-importance
A fixation with fantasies of infinite success, control, brilliance, beauty, or idyllic love
A belief that he or she is extraordinary and exceptional and can only be understood by, or should connect with, other extraordinary or important people or institutions
A desire for unwarranted admiration
A sense of entitlement
Interpersonally oppressive behavior
Lacking empathy
Deep resentment of others, or a conviction that others are resentful of him or her
Egotistical and conceited behaviors or attitudes
To be fair, each of us has some of these characteristics to some degree. It is an unfortunate aspect of being human.
What sets narcissists apart, however, is the depth and consistency with which they embrace these qualities. The narcissist, for example, does not simply have a rare weak moment in which feeling special and superior comes to the forefront.
Instead, this is a core perspective that guides much of their daily life. Narcissists know they are special. They feel it deep in their souls.
And they need it to be true. Desperately. (This is an essential point to understand which we’ll return to in just a moment).
To reassure themself that they are special narcissists incessantly remind others of just how exceptional they are… and how lucky you are to be within their social orbit.
These efforts are an essential part of maintaining the delusion of grandeur.
A common misperception, however, is that narcissists do this by incessantly bragging. That is only sometimes true.
More often their attempts to impress do not involve bragging at all but instead, come across in the way they highlight their importance, or status, within the fabric of everyday conversations.
An example may help.
Shortly after entering graduate school, I became friendly with another student. Let’s call him Jules (not his actual name). One day Jules stopped me while I was heading to class. In a conspiratorial tone, he leaned in and said “Forrest, I’ve been giving this a lot of thought and I would like to get your phone number.”
Jules paused, looking satisfied with himself. Not waiting for a reply he lowered his voice and confided “To tell you the truth I really don’t ask many people for their contact information, but I’ve sized you up…”
Another hesitation, followed by a knowing expression and a raised eyebrow “Yes, I’ve made some mental notes, and I’ve concluded that you stand apart from the other graduate students that entered our program this year.”
Jules then took a step back, spread his arms and smiled broadly as though he had just nominated me for a prestigious award. With a flourish he reached into the breast pocket of his sports coat and produced a slim palm-sized book. “So I’m going to add your number to my phone book. And I’m not talking about my regular phone book. No, I want your number for my black book… that’s the one reserved for just a few special friends.”
You see what’s happening in that brief request? Jules’ narcissistic perspective of himself as special is reflected in his describing:
The deep thinking that needed to be applied before adding someone to his contact list
The fact that not everyone ‘makes the grade’ and is put on this list
And that for others to be a part of his world, they too need to be special.
When you are on the receiving end of this behavior you will find it either flattering, or vaguely creepy (this landed squarely in the creepy category).
Beneath The Fragile Façade Of Superiority
Although narcissists behave as though they are confident in their superiority the truth is very different. Insecurity is the norm. Confidence is paper thin.
The slightest insult can ignite a gnawing sense of distress. A social snub can lead to full-blown panic.
What most would consider a minor disagreement the narcissist experiences a brutal disregard for his or her well-being.
This is because the narcissist’s self-worth depends on having their grandiose views constantly confirmed. Anything that contradicts their perception of being exceptional is threatening.
These extreme reactions occur because narcissists lack a realistic sense of their worth.
They live having to balance a fundamental paradox: I’m special and extraordinary but this is only true when others treat me as special and extraordinary.
When others fail to behave in ways that support their grandiosity the narcissist becomes terrified. His or her core sense of identity feels under attack. The core of what makes them who they are is shaken.
To regain a sense of security the narcissist responds by lashing out. It’s as though they feel if only the person who has challenged their grandiosity can be cut down and diminished, then whatever that person has said or done will not matter so much. The threat won’t be valid. It will lose its impact.
After being on the receiving end of these narcissistic reactions one may (out of pity, exhaustion, or both) apologize. At first this will suffice. The narcissist will feel mollified.
But eventually the same thing will happen again. An apology will not suffice when you’ve become a repeat offender.
Begging forgiveness is the next step. For the narcissist, having someone ask for forgiveness is emotional ambrosia.
Not only does this mean the threat to their feeling special has been beaten back, but now the narcissist is in a position of power.
He or she takes control of the relationship by possessing the healing nectar of forgiveness. It is theirs to give and thereby restore harmony, or to deny and keep the other person in their debt.
What To Do If You Are Romantically Involved With A Narcissist
I frequently get asked what someone can do if they are in a romantic relationship with a narcissist. My answer is ‘Head for the exit. Quickly.’
The reason for this response is that narcissists seldom change. It is exceedingly rare for a narcissist to change because it requires acknowledging the very thing they find so terrifying: admitting that they are not special.
And worse, it requires that they also acknowledge that they have major failings. Heart stabbing, serious shortcomings.
That is the very opposite of being exceptional. Embracing this idea threatens their core identity. What they have based their life on (their exceptionality) needs to be given up. Not many people are willing to make that type of sacrifice.
Although many narcissists struggle with depression and anxiety due to the problems their narcissism creates, this is seldom enough to motivate them to change.
Instead, they will have moments of repentance, or go to therapy for a short time, but upon starting to feel a little better they end their efforts and return to their old ways.
So, what should you do if you are single and the object of your romantic affection is a narcissist? Head for the nearest exit.
Do so with grace, with kindness, without rancor, but cut the cord and get the hell out of Dodge.
The narcissist will accuse you of being cruel, selfish, and possessing many other unsavory qualities. You will be tempted to stay because the narcissist will be hurt and feel vulnerable.
Ignore all of that. Don’t look back. Remember the fate of Lot's wife… block of salt, right? You don’t want that for yourself.
You cannot fix the narcissist, but you can move on. And when you do, and gain some distance, you’ll realize that you did the only thing that made sense.
