What Is Relationship Anxiety?
The odds are you’ve wrestled with relationship anxiety at some time in your life. This is true of most people. And that’s OK. It doesn’t have to be a big deal.
In fact, relationship anxiety most often just feels like a mild sense of worry or concern that pops up unexpectedly and then recedes.
But for some folks, it is much more than that and instead becomes a huge stumbling block making it difficult to form long-lasting and deeply meaningful romantic relationships. This level of anxiety can have life-changing consequences.
There are a couple of reasons why this fear arises.
The first is when you desire to have a close relationship with someone, and at the same time feel extremely insecure about your ability to achieve that closeness.
Sound familiar? It should be because it is very common. Often related to ‘imposter syndrome.’
The thoughts associated with this fear go something like “Things are going so well right now but they’ll be disappointed after they get to know the real me. That’s when everything will end.”
The second scenario is one in which, after a close relationship begins to develop, anxiety starts to slowly wrap its icy-cold fingers around your heart for a different reason.
In this instance, the fear is not focused on losing a relationship. Pretty much the opposite. It’s the terror that comes with feeling nakedly exposed because of the growing intimacy that such closeness brings (emotional closeness, not physical intimacy which many people handle with an alarmingly casual and unhealthy attitude).
Some people find this sort of vulnerability intolerable. But of course, it is a basic part of every deep relationship.
Again, this is very common and nothing to be concerned about as long as it does not prevent you from moving forward in building meaningful, rewarding relationships.
Now here is a crucial point.. it does present a significant challenge when it interferes with your ability to establish, or maintain, healthy romantic relationships.
What Causes Relationship Anxiety?
In the following, we will focus on anxiety as it relates to romantic relationships. This is a concern that I frequently hear from both men and women who come to my practice.
(As an aside, although ‘relationship anxiety’ is often related to ‘commitment phobia’, they are distinct. We are focusing only on the former).
And the fact that this anxiety is so common is a curious thing. If you take a second and think about it you’ll see just how curious it is. Something as beautiful and universally desired as a close and intimate relationship is also a source of great anxiety.
Most people consider cherished relationships to be one of life’s great treasures. And yet, for a certain number of men and women these priceless connections create extreme discomfort.
To see how odd this is you need to compare it to other universal desires. Wealth, for instance, is something most people desire. But you’ll be hard-pressed to find someone who becomes anxious at the prospect of actually becoming wealthy. Casinos and lotteries are popular because they instill eager desire, not fear.
Less universal, but still common, is a desire for fame and recognition. Again, anxiety about obtaining that end is nowhere to be found.
Great health is another experience most folks find extremely desirable. Here too, you’ll be hard-pressed to find someone that becomes anxious over the prospect of feeling fit and energetic.
So what’s so different about relationships that many people become anxious?
Most of the time the fear of an emotionally intimate relationship can be traced back to early life experiences that, for a number of reasons, caused the person to mentally link emotional intimacy with danger.
Typically, people who struggle with this fear are not fully aware of the deeper causes of their anxiety. They know they are nervous about getting ‘too close’ to someone else, but they often do not know what it is about being close that makes them anxious.
Although these fears can arise from a variety of concerns, in the majority of cases it is related to one of the following:
· Being abandoned or rejected
· Being controlled (with a loss of freedom, smothering of one’s individuality,
and forfeiture of opportunities).
Boiling this down a little further, we could say that relationship fears are usually related to the risk of being found inadequate (abandonment/rejection) or the risk of losing one’s freedom.
If you struggle with relationship anxieties chances are you will have some idea as to which of these fears is operating. It’s also possible that both of them are in play.
How To Control Relationship Fears
Overcoming fear, as a general rule, requires that a person begin to change his or her view of things. This is a change in perspective and it can occur in one of two ways.
The first way to change is by developing a new understanding. Specifically, coming to realize that the thing you were afraid of really does not pose a threat.
In other words, recognizing that you are not at risk after all.
Here is an example of how this works. A child who becomes frightened at night that there is a monster in his room, and then relaxes after the lights are turned on and sees it was only a coat folded over a chair.
The child’s understanding changed. The thing that seemed threatening was not what it appeared to be. Problem solved.
The second way a ‘new understanding’ leads to reduced anxiety is when a person begins to view him or herself as perfectly capable of handling the threat that faces them.
An example of this type of change can be seen in the child that is afraid to jump into a swimming pool. Just won’t do it no matter how much her parents cajole and encourage her.
But once she learns to swim the fear evaporates. Unlike in the first example here we see that the nature of the threat has not changed. The pool remains just as it was.
Instead, the thing that has changed is the child’s view of herself. She now views herself as a swimmer, someone capable of dealing with the challenge of jumping into a pool.
How This Applies To Relationship Anxiety
To get control over these fears we need to keep the four things we just covered in mind.
ONE: To overcome anxiety you can change your perspective of the feared event or thing (come to realize it is not a big threat)
TWO: To overcome anxiety you can change your perspective of yourself and realize you are able to handle whatever feels threatening
THREE: Relationship anxiety may arise due to fears of abandonment or rejection
FOUR: Relationship anxiety may arise due to fears of being controlled and losing your freedom.
OK? Now, keeping those four points in mind you can see that to free yourself from these fears you can:
1. Come to realize that the person with whom you are in a relationship does not wish to reject you, nor rob you of your freedom (you basically re-evaluate the threat and come to realize that you’ve blown things out of proportion)
2. Build confidence that you are strong enough to survive rejection and also capable of thwarting any attempts to smother your freedom.
Ideally, you will work on both of these strategies. That is, re-evaluating how realistic your fears are, and increasing your confidence in dealing with what may happen if you allow the relationship to deepen.
Sweeping Aside Relationship Anxiety: Step One
To do so begin with a painstaking review of your relationships. That’s right, a sober and likely at times cringe-worthy examination of yourself.
Make an unemotional appraisal of the people you have become involved with in the past.
It’s entirely possible that for reasons outside your conscious awareness you have invited the wrong sort of person into your life.
Perhaps you have allowed yourself to become involved with those who are so superficial, selfish, or weak, that they have no stomach for building long-lasting, deeply meaningful relationships.
Or maybe you have been attracted to those who ‘take control.’ Their appeal may have arisen from their sense of confidence and self-assurance.
But once you were well into the relationship you began to realize this was a pretense, a sham. They began to show surprising depths of insecurity, inexplicable jealousy, and as a result tried to take control of your life.
If you see these patterns in past relationships don’t give up. This can be good news. That is, if you can identify problematic relationship patterns in the past, you are better able to change the future.
Let’s take this period of ‘reflecting on the past’ a step further.
Now when you look back try and figure out how you could have known early in the relationship that someone would be a flake and fail to commit, or would become controlling.
I know, when you are in the thick of a new relationship it’s not always easy to determine these things. Hormones run amok and may create momentary psychosis as your ‘lizard brain’ takes control.
But 99% of the time there are clues whether you paid attention to them or not. Your job now, in the present, is to look back using your adult brain (no lizard brain allowed) and find these clues.
Once uncovered you move forward using this information to guide future relationships.
Sweeping Aside Relationship Anxiety: Step Two
To grow more confident in your ability to deal with rejection, or another’s attempts to overly control you, it helps to perform a similar review of your past relationships.
Were there times when you were rejected? Did you survive? I’m going to guess the answer is yes and yes. In fact, I am 100% certain this is the case.
Why? Because if you are an adult you’ve already experienced rejection at some point in your life. And, if you’re reading this article it means you managed to survive.
So I know you have these sorts of experiences to look back on. Your job is to make a review of these chapters in your life and take note of what you did that helped you get through.
Better yet, include how you grew from the experience. That is, did you become wiser, stronger, develop new insights, a tougher attitude, more compassion and so forth.
I also want you to write down what you did that was not helpful.
Last step, think about what you could do in the future to help you through this sort of situation were it to arise again. Put all these lessons down in the list you already started.
This same principle and approach apply to fears of losing freedom and autonomy. There are no extra steps to take that we need to review, no additional insights are needed in order for you to be successful.
Just follow the plan, and count on it taking some time and persistence. You’ll get there. Push through the inevitable setback, celebrate the successes, and keep moving forward.
Plot Twist: Some People Actively Help Their Fears Come True
Not intentionally. In fact, very often it is by defending against the fear that doors are open for them to materialize.
The woman who so fears being abandoned that she attempts to control and monitor every hour of her partner’s day is likely to drive him away.
The man who is panicked by the thought of being rejected and defends against this by acting like a narcissistic arse will earn multiple rejections.
The lesson to be learned? If the above detailed plan does not give you the success you expect (after working it for several months at least), then take a moment to stand back.
Objectively consider how you respond to your relationship fears. Are you acting in ways that may be causing others to respond in the very way you fear they will?
That at least in part your behavior is leading your love interests to abandon the relationship or become more controlling?
If this is the case then you know you need to make some changes in how you treat your romantic partner in response to your fears.
Final Thoughts
If relationship anxiety is getting in the way of your developing a deeply meaningful connection with someone you care about, then consider what this will mean for your future.
Will it result in a life marked by a series of superficial romances that are momentarily exciting but unfulfilling?
Will you end up alone?
Could it result in your eventually settling for some unremarkable soul, someone whose main appeal is that he, or she, is so tepid, passive, and shallow as to not pose a threat to your unfounded fears?
Reflecting on the cost of giving in to your fears can help motivate you to stand up and push back. To fight for a better future.
But a life controlled by fear ends up creating a mindset that is similar to that of a rabbit. Constantly sniffing the air for any scent of danger.
Ever at the ready to run for safety. Always avoiding risk.
That is not the sort of approach that marks a full and happy life. You are unlikely to find a gravestone with the inscription “Here lies a man that died happy because he always played it safe.”
Don’t fall into that trap. Instead, move forward using the strategies outlined above and push back against the anxiety that stands between you and a brighter future with someone you love.
