Co-authored with Dominique Inkrott, MSW
If you entered a time machine and traveled back to the middle of the last century you would notice many differences. The cars would seem quaint, the supermarkets would seem smaller, the hairstyles would seem outdated, and televisions would seem positively pocket-sized. You would also find that unmarried women were significantly less sexually active than they are today. (See footnote 1).
Most women wished to make sure that a man was willing to be committed to her before she was sexually intimate with him. If she became pregnant, it was important that she have support. This often meant that having sex only occurred after marriage.
Research actually suggests that this “old fashioned” approach to intimacy leads to deeper, happier and longer lasting relationships.
The prevailing understanding in eras past was that sex was profoundly important. For women, at least, it meant giving something of themselves that was very personal, private, and of great worth, as well as a significant risk. If a woman were to become pregnant, she would be dependent on the support of her child’s father.
This understanding led most women to be comparatively restrained in their physical intimacy prior to marriage. That cautious approach had the consequence of enhancing a woman’s sense of control and self-worth. It also added a layer of protection from being treated as an object to be used for a man’s sexual gratification.
Changes in societal norms, the creation of the hormonal birth control pill, and the striving for equality between sexes, led to a shift in attitudes. Women were encouraged to take a more casual attitude toward sexual intimacy (as men had done for so long), and many women embraced this new sexual “liberation” with gusto.
On a society-wide level, sex could now be divorced from a sense of mutual commitment. Both men and women were now in agreement - sex could be seen, if one wished, as no more than a consensual agreement to engage in mutually pleasurable activities.
This type of recreational view of physical intimacy, at least in part, underlies the ‘hook up’ mindset that many men and women now embrace.
Different Reactions To Sexual Intimacy
As a group, men and women respond very differently to casual sex. (See footnotes 2,3,4,5,6,7,8)
What research shows is that participation in hook ups often results in guilt and negative feelings.
This occurs much more often in women than men.
In a study of 169 sexually experienced men and women surveyed in singles bars, when presented with the statement, "I feel guilty or would feel guilty about having sexual intercourse with someone I had just met," 32 percent of men and 72 percent of women agreed. That means more than twice as many women expressed feeling guilt over hookup culture than men.
This is consistent with a study by Grello, Welsh and Harper (2006) that found women were much more likely to experience depressive symptoms after having sex with a stranger than were men.
In sum, women are more likely than men to experience painful emotional consequences as a result of casual sex. Very likely, part of the reason for this is that male and female brains differ. (See footnotes 9,10,11,12,13,14).
One consequence of such neurological differences is that women (in general) respond to sex differently than men.
Some may think this unfair. But nature is neither fair nor unfair - it just is.
One significant difference focuses on Oxytocin, sometimes referred to as the “cuddle hormone.” Research shows that this hormone helps create a sense of closeness and bondedness with others.
Oxytocin is released under a number of situations where bonding and feelings of closeness are important. It is a powerful hormone that can create strong psychological and emotional ties. This can be beneficial, such as in the case of a new mother nursing her baby (breastfeeding prompts a release of oxytocin).
On the other hand, the powerful hormone can also bond us to deeply unhealthy things, such as when someone becomes addicted to pornography (which also prompts oxytocin) and loses the ability to engage sexually with their real-life partner.
Sexual intercourse, and other forms of physical intimacy, are one of the primary situations that triggers a release of oxytocin.
Women’s brains release significantly more oxytocin than do men. As a result, women frequently feel more bonded to their sexual partner after having sex.
In a committed relationship, this can be productive for increasing feelings of connectedness, intimacy, and unity as partners.
In the setting of casual sex, however, this flood of oxytocin fuels a feeling of bondedness with one’s partner… yet without any of the emotional or practical commitment of a relationship.
This can lead to a sense of loss or “emptiness” and accompanying feelings of shame, guilt, and negative self-esteem.
Because women’s brains release so much more oxytocin than men’s brains do, women feel these negative effects of casual sex much more acutely. For the same reason, women generally feel much more distress than do men following a casual hookup, when reality shatters the feelings of bondedness that were fueled by the oxytocin-triggering sexual activities the night before.
Although our social norms may have changed, brain structure and chemistry has not, and women are disproportionately affected by the negative effects of the hook up culture.
In addition, cultural differences continue to influence the reactions men and women have to casual sex. Many popular influences in media and entertainment celebrate the “empowered” women who view sex as recreational or transactional, and treat men as a disposable means to sexual (or financial) gratification. (The songs of Madonna, Cardi B, and Nicki Minaj provide some prime examples).
Likewise, men are not encouraged to step up and raise their own standard, be more respectful of women, and take a more discriminating (and a less promiscuous) approach to sex - if men did those things, they would likely experience improvements in their own lives and romantic relationships.
But instead, men are encouraged to see women’s participation in hook up culture as an “empowering” step towards “equality.” Women with more restrained traditional sexual values are often viewed as “repressed” and “prudish.”
What To Do?
Whatever the explanation may be, it is worth noting that young women are paying a high price for the modern attitudes towards sex. Paradoxically, the sexual “liberation” so many embrace turns out to create emotional shackles.
One solution, of course, would be to help women be more capable of responding to casual sex in a way that trivialized their participation in casual sex. To have them more fully embrace the same perspective held by many men.
A healthier approach, however, would be for women and men to both practice more restraint with regard to physical intimacy. When we look at the historical precedent women had set for their participation in romantic intimacy, it is clear that such an approach was wise and more beneficial - for both women and men - than the cavalier approach many men took.
Seeking equality by “acting like men” may technically achieve more equality, but only by lowering women’s standards to that of the most base, carnal male perspective.
A better approach would be for women to hold on to those traditional values, realizing that by virtue of the differences between male and female brains, women are indeed more naturally inclined to take the nobler (and healthier) approach by limiting sex to committed relationships. In doing so, women would be demonstrating that they value themselves as women and as individuals.
Additionally, when women maintain such a high standard, it encourages men to step up and do what is necessary to meet that standard, engage in a committed relationship, and be the kind of men that women want.
Parents, and the culture more generally, have a pivotal role to play in forewarning young people - and young women especially - of the psychological costs of participating in the hookup culture. It would be wise to encourage young women to reclaim the high ground, and view themselves as too valuable to be treated simply as an object for a man’s sexual gratification.
Efforts should likewise be made to encourage young men to value women, with the same high regard and see the wisdom in the more traditionally “female” perspective toward sex - where sexual intimacy is valued, understood as a profoundly bonding experience, and preceded by significant commitment.
If the men and women of younger generations are helped to understand these important truths about sexual intimacy, it is likely that the lives of both sexes would be vastly improved.
Footnotes
1 https://andreameltzer.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/Arch-Sex-Behav-2019-McNulty-et-al..pdf
3 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3752789/
4 https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/more-sexual-partners-more-cancer-2020042819658
5 https://www.jstor.org/stable/20620257
6 https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1993-33188-001
7 https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19130207/
8 https://www.apa.org/moniTor/2013/02/ce-corner
9 https://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/viewdoc/download?doi=10.1.1.987.5841&rep=rep1&type=pdf
10 https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-mens-brains-are-wired-differently-than-women/
12 https://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/viewdoc/download?doi=10.1.1.987.5841&rep=rep1&type=pdf
13 https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2007-19165-013
14 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6871190/]
