Guest Post by Dr. Victoria Chialy Smith
“Her grades are falling but she just doesn’t seem to care. I tell her to turn them in, but she just screams at me to leave her alone and to get out of her room. She has 15 missing assignments and we have to nag her constantly to get even half of them done. I’m worried because she’s failing and these grades will significantly impact her options for college.”
“His room is a disaster and he never picks anything up. When I ask him to, he says he’ll do it but all he does is lay in bed all day. He totally lacks regard for his father and I and all the help we try to provide him.”
Teen Anxiety
As a child psychologist who specializes in working with depressed teens (www.hope-wellness.com), I’ve seen many parents who feel helpless. Their son, or daughter, who just a few, short years before was happy and eager to be by their side, has gone AWOL. Instead, they now live with a teen who is irritable, withdrawn, self-conscious, lethargic, and unmotivated. Parents feel torn between the intense frustration , worry, and sense of impotency this creates. Despite their best and sometimes desperate attempts, they cannot find a way to help their teen.
These reactions are understandable. These mothers and fathers are naturally committed to helping their child navigate the often harsh demands of adolescence to emerge ready to successfully embrace young adulthood. With that in mind, they do their best to provide the sort of guidance, support, and love required during this stage of life. But the depressed teen often responds with indifference.
These mothers and fathers understand that their teen is depressed, but their youngster’s behavior often seems so irrational as to defy logic (“Why can’t he just pick up his clothes and do his homework?”).
Many parents have described this experience as similar to watching a train wreck unfold in slow motion: their child seemingly self-destructing while declining their help and advice.
It doesn’t have to be this way. Although no strategy is effective 100% of the time, there are ways parents can support their depressed teen that are helpful and often well received.
Below I have described five approaches, or strategies, that I frequently have parents employ. Chances are, once you put them into practice you’ll begin to see the sort of improvements I frequently witness with teens in my practice.
How Parents Can Help Their Anxious Teen
ONE: Align with your teen and try to understand their perspective before jumping into problem solving mode
Parents hate to see their children suffer. As a result, they often rush to solve their teen is facing, and in the process unwittingly invalidate the adolescent’s emotions. It is an easy trap to fall into. (“If you are sad or worried about your bad grade, why don’t you just study?”).
When depressed teens feel their emotions are not taken seriously, it makes matters worse.
Instead of problem solving immediately, work to first create a space where your teen can express their emotions freely. You can do this by working to truly listen when your teen is upset (or ranting about some current frustration). Express a sense of curiosity, a desire to better understand their perspective (e.g., “I wonder why that teacher is assigning so much homework!”).
You can also take the approach of reflecting, in a supportive way, on their reaction (e.g., “That sounds very upsetting.”). Another helpful response is to validate your child’s emotions by communicating empathy (“I understand why you would feel that way”).
Curiosity, reflection, validation help to soothe your teen’s emotions, which in turn creates a connection allowing you to (sometimes) transition into problem solving with your teen.
Validation from parents is also critical as it helps teens develop the ability to recognize how they are feeling, and to validate and self-regulate their own emotions when feeling upset.
TWO: Problem solve in a way that helps your teen feel as if you are in it together
Parents often problem solve by directly providing solutions to teens. Very often this leads an adolescent to feel as though he or she is being treated as ‘a child.’ The usual response at that point is to ignore the parental solution… no matter how good the advice!
The thing to keep in mind is that teens are developmentally prone to feeling a sense of resistance whenever an individual directly tells them what to do. The solution is to engage your teen in the process of problem solving. Ask what solutions they have come up with so far, and help them reflect on how their attempts to resolve a problem have worked out.
This technique helps you, as a parent, see that your teen has a sincere desire to do well and work on themselves once they feel understood and their perspective valued.
THREE: Take the ‘Big Picture’ view of your teen’s behavior
It can be scary, confusing, and upsetting when your teen is depressed and refuses to accept your help. Oftentimes, parents view the behavior of their depressed teen as disrespectful, rude, or irrational.
While your perspective as a parent may be accurate, recognize that your teen has a different perspective – one that likely holds some truth as well. This is what clinicians call a dialectic -- when two perspectives that are seemingly opposites may both be true at the same time.
An example of this could be when your teen tells you that he, or she, is doing their best to complete all their school work, and you are convinced that they need to do better.
Both of these can be true. The teen may be doing their best, yet capable of doing better after new skills are learned, or certain burdens resolved.
Conflict often arises when parents and teens become focused on defending their perspective, rather than being curious about the other’s view.
By practicing a dialectical approach in parenting, you are not choosing one extreme over another, but finding balance such as between enforcing rules consistently while also being willing to negotiate on key issues. Other parenting dialectics may involve seeing your child as engaging in problematic behaviors while also struggling to work toward their goals. Practicing greater balance in your approach to parenting frees you to feel more open and accepting of your teen even in the face of challenges.
FOUR: Encourage positive behaviors
When a teen first becomes depressed, a parent’s natural tendency may be to help their teen avoid situations triggering these emotions (e.g.., school, sports practice). However, doing so only increases depression and often exacerbates problems in your teen’s day to day functioning. Practice dialectical parenting by communicating your empathy and understanding of their emotions, while also sticking to your limits and encouraging positive, healthy behaviors.
FIVE: Find a therapist with whom your teen can form a strong connection
It’s natural for teens to desire to speak to someone other than their parents. Oftentimes, teens benefit from working with a clinician who is able to empathize with their perspective while also challenging them to view their problems through a different lens. This leads to enhanced maturity and psychological growth.
When searching for a therapist it is important to find one that your teen experiences as a ‘good fit.’ This happens when your child feels comfortable, understood, and shares a sense of connection with the therapist. Frequently a teen will simply describe this sort of therapist by saying, “My therapist gets me.”
In my work with teens, I frequently see patients soften toward their parents once they begin to gain a greater perspective on their emotions. A ‘good fit’ therapist will build a rapport with your teen that encourages an honest examination of their emotions, family relationships, conflicts and goals. Accountability for one’s own actions begins to emerge.
Ultimately, the teen begins to understand the dialectic that even though parents can be difficult, they also want what is best for them. They are not the enemy. Rather they are, even if imperfectly, doing their best.
Conclusion
Parenting a depressed teen can be confusing and challenging. My experience has shown me, however, that when parents follow the strategies described above, many teens respond favorably. The depression begins to lift, relationships with parents strengthen, and the teen that seemed lost begins to re-emerge, more connected, mindful, and self-aware.
Dr. Victoria Chialy Smith is a Johns Hopkins trained clinical psychologist and the owner of Hope+Wellness, a group therapy practice with offices in McLean, and Falls Church, Virginia and Washington D.C.
