We all want to connect with others, but it could be a sign of codependency when that connection begins to chronically feel more like a burden than a blessing. The problem is that every relationship is burdensome at times. It comes with the territory. Sustained, deep intimacy requires that we give of ourselves unselfishly. Not all relational burdens, however, signal that codependency is at work.
It can be confusing, which is why many people mistakenly claim that they, or their love interest, are codependent when, in fact, they are simply experiencing the weight of intimacy.
How can you determine if your relationship is codependent? The answer is straightforward: the hallmark of codependency is when someone is afraid to express their individuality. By doing so they risk losing the approval and sense of connectedness with the person they love. That is a strong sign that you are in a codependent relationship.
Codependency shows up in many ways. For example, you may find it challenging to express original thoughts if they differ from those of your partner. Boundaries become blurred so that your significant other controls your preferences for entertainment, political leanings, expressions of faith, and your choice of friends. The capacity to be happy becomes grossly impaired simply because your partner is unhappy. Pursuing interests on your own feels like stealing into forbidden territory.
The Dangers of Codependency
Most people who become entangled in codependent relationships find it difficult to extricate themselves. This is particularly true if someone has a dependent personality.
Extreme codependency leads men and women to build such an exclusive attachment to one person that it feels as though the whole world is tied up within a single relationship rather than being supported by multiple, rewarding, deeply connected relationships.
This deeply unhealthy sense of connection makes it difficult to break off the relationship because it feels as though asserting yourself risks throwing away the very thing that makes life worth living. A vital part of yourself would die.
But if ending a codependent relationship is painful, staying within one is even more costly. As Ingrid Bacon and her colleagues found in a study of codependent individuals, as well as their comprehensive review of the literature, codependent individuals are in a nearly constant state of stress.
They worry about whether they will be accepted by their partners and others more generally, find fault with themselves constantly, hesitate to act independently, and adopt a ‘chameleon’ like character to avoid rejection.
As the momentum builds behind ignoring their own needs and values, a sense of emptiness begins to take root. To fill this emptiness the codependent individual may then suddenly move into a life painted by regrettable extremes.
Periods of excessive drinking or drug use, a quick succession of multiple sex partners, and other self-destructive behavior are not unusual.
One participant in the Bacon study noted “I would drink too much, and then smoke too much weed, and like the sexual acting out as well … big part of the highs and the lows and all of it, just combined to it, just this craziness it was all. The majority of it was internal … a constant feeling of devastation … it’s just like this paradox of devastation and emptiness.”
Three Keys For Breaking Free
ONE: The first step toward ending a codependent relationship is to recognize it for what it is… an unhealthy sense of dependency that requires you to sacrifice your identity in order to maintain a sense of approval and love.
A relationship based on this foundation can never work because you will never be loved for who you are, only for who you pretend to be. Staying in that sort of relationship dooms you to feel unseen and unloved.
TWO: The second step is to begin to set boundaries. It may be easier, in the beginning, to do this in low-intensity relationships such as acquaintances and coworkers. As you practice asserting yourself in this regard, you will find that most people respect the boundaries you set.
Best of all, when others do not understand, you will realize that the world does not end. This will increase your confidence immensely.
As your confidence increases you can begin to apply more boundaries to your codependent relationships. Be prepared for a struggle because your romantic partner is likely to feel threatened by your push for healthy boundaries.
THREE: Begin to pursue new interests and activities. When you were deep within a codependent relationship, it felt necessary to set aside your own interests, hobbies, values, and even other friendships.
This prevented you from expressing and exploring the aspects of your personality that make you unique. What constitutes your self-identity? Being cut off in this way made you feel more dependent on your partner to find your identity and self-worth.
If you wish to be less drawn to codependent relationships, you need to build a solid sense of who you are and the sort of person you would like to be. This path can take many forms, from going back to school to doing charity work to traveling to taking up oil painting to getting involved in competitive sports.
Make a list of what you have put on hold and then get involved with one or two things from that list. Experiment. Push your limits. The joy you experience from these activities will ignite greater insight into what makes you distinctive, and what someone you wish to have an intimate relationship with needs to appreciate.
Conclusion
The road that leads away from codependency is not an easy one, but it is much more rewarding than the path that keeps you enslaved in relationships wherein you are neither truly seen nor valued. Shoulder the momentary burdens this road to freedom requires, and steadfastly pursue those things that lead to a happier and healthier life. You won’t regret your decision.
