Emotions and Decision-Making
From the moment of birth, emotions powerfully influence our lives. We are prone to chasing after happiness, joy, love, and excitement. On the other hand, we work hard to avoid the discomfort of anxiety, embarrassment, shame, and guilt.
Feelings are so profoundly powerful that parents instinctively understand that one of their primary jobs is to teach their children emotional control. When this instruction goes well, children grow up better prepared to navigate the challenges of life.
But when a child fails to learn these lessons, adulthood becomes punctuated by frequent frustration and heartaches. Such is the nature of life when the pull of feelings is allowed to captain one’s decisions.
Most adults recognize that emotion must not be the basis for life’s decisions. But even with this understanding, the power of feelings is so strong that they still end up influencing our decisions - albeit in subtle ways.
This is not a problem when the decision is related to trivial issues such as where to go for dinner or how to spend your vacation. The difficulty arises when making weightier decisions such as who to marry, what job to accept, or how to spend large sums of money.
Over the course of time the impact of bad decisions multiples exponentially and can be devastating. But the same principle applies to the impact of making good decisions.
When feelings sneak in to influence decision-making, it's crucial to recognize their presence and manage them effectively. This is not to say that feelings attached to decisions should be ignored. Instead, their influence in decision-making should be acknowledged and given appropriate weight.
Difficulties occur, however, when emotions creep into the decision-making process by masquerading as something else. When they enter as a Trojan horse.
An example will help. Long ago, one of my acquaintances desperately wanted a Mercedes Benz. It had been his dream car for many years but was beyond his financial reach. Having just completed psychology graduate school, he was about to open a private practice. That’s another way of saying his net worth was zero and his cash flow even less.
But the desire to drive a Benz was all-consuming, and the urge to be seen driving a Benz was even more potent. Consequently, he went about trying to logically noodle through the decision-making process of whether to move ahead with the purchase.
He decided to frame the decision as one involving whether the car purchase would be a reasonable business expense. This was the point at which his feelings, his scorching desire for a Mercedes, sneakily entered his decision-making.
What car he drove was not related to his business. The truth was it did not matter how he got to work each morning. The only requirement was that he be at the office by 8:00 AM. The mode of transportation that brought him to the office was irrelevant. He could have ridden a unicorn or taken a taxi; it made no difference.
But his desires unconsciously pushed him to frame the decision as one involving a business expense. He reasoned that when anyone saw him driving a Benz they would assume he was successful, and this impression would inspire them to recommend his services to others.
Within a short time he was the proud owner of a Benz. But increased referrals never materialized. The thrill of driving his new Benz quickly faded, and the burden of high car payments became the most telling legacy of this decision.
Emotional Bias Leading To Rationalizations
We are all capable of making similar mistakes. It is a form of rationalization. This happens across all areas of life, including romance, career, drug/alcohol use, how we use free time, disciplining children, infidelity, health-related choices, personal finances, etc.
These sorts of decisions, those unwittingly built on the foundation of emotion, seldom work out well. The reason is obvious. What is in our best interest very often requires taking a path that is difficult and sometimes painful. Rationalizing the decision to take an easier path provides an attractive alternative. Emotions serve as the spark that ignites the rationalization process.
When emotions steer our decision-making, it's easy to set our sights on the wrong goals and downplay potential problems. This frequently leads to a less happy and less fulfilling life. However, when we learn to push emotions aside and make decisions based on logic and reason, we experience a sense of liberation and control over our lives.
The solution is to become more disciplined in setting goals and logically planning out the pursuit of those goals. Emotions may still be a part of that process, but their role is in determining what you find most fulfilling, not determining the steps that take you to that fulfillment.
Emotions must be relegated to an advisory status rather than given final decision-making power. What’s more, there are times when emotions must be ignored altogether (as would be the case if your child needed life-saving surgery, but the thought of hospitals terrified you… so what?).
Conclusion
Having the self-discipline required to push emotions aside during decision-making is a necessary skill for building a richly fulfilling life. Self-discipline is not a restriction, but rather an aspect of mental strength that empowers us. As with all strengths, discipline grows the more frequently it is used.
To build greater self-discipline, you should pick a goal each week that requires you to resist emotions that would otherwise interfere with reaching that goal. These do not have to be large objectives. Small goals work fine in the beginning.
This might be getting up a half hour early in the morning, increasing your workout routine so it is more challenging, not watching television after 7:00 PM, cleaning a room in your house that has been long neglected, reading for 30 minutes a day, etc.
Write down the goal at the beginning of each week. At the end of that week make a quick note on whether you’ve succeeded. Include a sentence or two regarding what went well and what went sideways.
By keeping these notes (which require only five or six minutes a day), you will eventually develop insights on how to best tackle new goals and continue to become mentally stronger.
Eventually, you’ll notice that self-discipline comes naturally, and a sense of competency has taken root. You’ll appreciate the influence of your emotions, but they will no longer control your decisions. At that time, you’ll also notice your life feels more fulfilling, predictable, and at peace. Not a bad payoff for the investment of time and energy required. I hope you’ll give it a try.
