If you are like most people, you know what it is like to begin a romance only to find, a short time later, various fears begin to arise, such as insecurities regarding whether it will end in heartbreak and disappointment.
This is all too common. Most of the time, these anxious moments are resolved, and the relationship moves forward. But for some folks that’s not true. Their fears multiply and grow, eventually interfering with their ability to move forward in the relationship.
Men and women who struggle with such fears generally fall into one of two camps (it’s worth noting that although these fears have some overlap with those that drive commitment-phobic individuals, they are not the same).
The first group is composed of those who believe that once someone gets to know them deeply, rejection will follow. Often these are individuals who have been deeply wounded by past rejections.
In the second camp are men and women who worry that if the relationship deepens, they will be trapped by the demands that come with commitment.
For this group emotional intimacy feels like a prison sentence with the terrifying consequence of losing one’s freedom. Unconsciously the person with this fear holds back from becoming emotionally invested.
This reaction may lead to the relationship never deepening to the point of building a healthy sense of mutual interdependence and intimacy.
In short, when left unchecked, each of these fears can strangle a person’s capacity to build rewarding intimate relationships.
How to Tame Relationship Fears
Two things greatly help overcome these fears: a clear view of what you are looking for in a romantic relationship and a change in perspective.
The first of these tactics has been discussed in a previous article focused on understanding what to look for in a committed relationship. No need to rehash that here (but I encourage you to go back and read the article as it will give you some important insights).
We will focus on the second of these tactics, a shift in perspective.
This change in perspective can occur in one of two ways.
The first is by developing a new understanding of what intimacy and commitment entail. Specifically, you come to realize that the thing you were afraid of does not pose a threat.
Does this sound impossible? Not at all. It is a common occurrence. For example, the child who is frightened at night because he knows there is a monster in his room becomes calm once the lights are turned on. The gargoyle in the corner of the room turns out to be nothing more than clothes piled over a chair. The light provided perspective, and the new perspective resolved the fear.
The second way a ‘new understanding’ leads to reduced anxiety is when a person begins to view him or herself as perfectly capable of handling some threat in their life.
Note the difference from the first way that anxiety was resolved. That was to realize that there was a misperception. What had been thought of as one thing turned out to be quite another.
This second approach to resolving anxiety does not rely on clearing up a misperception about the world, which is something that exists outside of oneself. Instead, this next approach relies on changing beliefs about yourself—specifically, about your ability to deal with problems, heartaches, or fears.
An example of this type of change is seen in the young child who is afraid to jump into a swimming pool. She stands on the edge of the pool, hesitant, while her parents plead that she jumps into their arms. “I’ll catch you; I promise.” The child remains fixed in place, knees trembling, refusing to jump.
But once the young girl learns to swim her fear evaporates. Unlike the first example, the nature of the threat did not change. The swimming pool remained just as it was.
Instead, the child’s self-perception changed. Her belief in herself shifted from being someone who was incapable of swimming to someone who could move through the water without sinking.
How to Gain a Different Perspective
To gain a new perspective on rejection you should review your past relationships as objectively as possible. Ask yourself how many times you were not rejected. Also, when rejection did occur what was the reason? Very likely the reason had less to do with who you are and more to do with you having different life goals, values, and expectations.
However, many people tend to overlook these differences and blame their partner for a breakup because they find them, in some vague way, ‘not good enough.’
When reviewing your past relationships, you should also remember that you may have invited the wrong sort of person into your life for reasons outside your conscious awareness.
Perhaps you have allowed yourself to become involved with those who are so superficial, selfish, or weak, that they have no stomach for building long-lasting, deeply meaningful relationships.
Or maybe you have been attracted to those who ‘take control.’ Their appeal may have arisen from their sense of confidence and self-assurance.
But once you were well into the relationship you began to realize this was a pretense, a sham. They began to show surprising depths of insecurity and inexplicable jealousy. Consequently, it was not long before they tried to take control of your life.
If you see these patterns in past relationships don’t give up. This can be good news. That is, if you can identify problematic relationship patterns in the past, you are better able to change the future.
Overcoming Fears of Losing Your Freedom
Let’s get the hard part over with first. If you want a deeply rewarding intimate relationship you have to be willing to give up some of your freedom. The alternative is called being single.
There is nothing wrong with that, but you need to see things clearly so that you can make a choice.
Exactly how much freedom needs to be sacrificed is another question altogether. Once you become clear about how much freedom you need, things become much easier. Then you are able to explicitly communicate this to your love interest.
Communicating this in a warm and inviting manner invites your partner to likewise tell you about his or her needs.
Do you need to be able to go out with friends once a week? That's terrific. Your partner may respond that he/she needs undivided time with you three evenings a week. A compromise begins to take shape.
Freedom is not dichotomous. It always occurs on a spectrum; it is never absolute. But if you cannot sacrifice some of your freedom for the relationship, then you’ve decided not to enjoy mature intimacy.
The Cost of Giving in to Relationship Fears
Facing the fear of rejection and the fear of losing control over your life can feel daunting. But not doing so has significant costs.
It could result in you eventually settling for a relationship with someone whose main appeal is that he, or she, is so tepid, passive, and shallow as to not pose a threat to your unfounded fears.
Or it might result in remaining single when you would much prefer to share life with someone you deeply love.
Don’t shy away from facing your fears. The cost is too great.
Instead, move forward using the strategies outlined above and overcome the anxiety that stands between you and a brighter future with someone you passionately love.
