Everyone has insecurities. That's part of being human.
But how you handle those insecurities will shape your happiness and success. Research suggests that chronic approval-seeking comes at a steep cost. It tends to undermine the learning of important lessons from life experiences, reduce your sense of relatedness to others, and diminish mental and physical health (Crocker & Park, 2004).
The reason is straightforward: people who manage their insecurities poorly spend enormous energy trying to prove themselves to others—energy that could be invested in building what truly matters to them.
Consider this analogy. You install expensive tennis courts in your backyard to impress the neighbors (you know, Biffy, and Bunny who endlessly brag about their country club membership, exotic vacations, and the other homes they own).
The tennis courts turn out great. They look terrific. But you don’t play tennis, and what you really wanted was a secluded landscape that evoked the feeling of being in the Great North Woods.
What happened? You ultimately sacrificed your genuine desires in exchange for others' approval.
There is one other lesson to glean from this analogy. It was an interpersonal insecurity that led to trying to impress, at the cost of feeling fulfilled.
Not surprising because nearly all insecurities are interpersonal in nature (Leary & MacDonald, 2003). They're rooted in how you imagine others perceive and judge you. This, in turn, impacts your sense of being valued, desired, and belonging (an insight from Sociometer Theory).
These are basic human desires. Fulfilling them, however, requires adopting a sound strategy. Quick fixes won’t work.
All of which brings up a fundamental question: how much should the opinion of others' matter to you? Spoiler alert: sometimes the answer is ‘a lot’, but most of the time ‘not so much.’
Building Confidence
You may be nodding your head in agreement but still conclude that your insecurities cause such anxiety and misery that the best solution is to ‘give in’ to the urge to impress others—much like people do when they’re caught in cycles of relationship anxiety. Don’t do it.
This path to shoring up insecurity simply leads folks to spend a great deal of energy trying to prove they possess one or more of the following traits:
Superior intelligence
Popularity
Extreme sexual appeal
Unusual wit and humor
Monetary wealth
Extraordinary strength and toughness
A fearless nature
Here's the problem: it doesn't work.
Remember Sisyphus? In Greek mythology, he was condemned to roll a boulder up a mountain, only to watch it roll back down—then repeat the task for eternity. That's precisely what happens when you try to eliminate insecurity through self-promotion.
It's never enough. The validation always wears off. Rapidly.
Moreover, if self-promotion is driven by insecurities rooted in shame, the underlying problem remains unaddressed (Tangney & Dearing, 2002). If shame has been a long‑standing part of your story, it often shows up alongside depression and low mood, making it even harder to feel secure.
The lesson? Step away from the boulder. Stop trying to impress others.
The choice you face is straightforward: focus on impressing others or focus on improving yourself. There are many downsides to the former, not so much with the latter.
Impression management comes with a cost. If you succeed, you only win a brief sense of confidence. It ultimately ends up failing because when you chase external validation, you place yourself in a chronically obsequious position, constantly adjusting your presentation to garner favor.
Yes, sometimes you will fool others, but you will never fool yourself. And this leaves you feeling like a fraud - not confident and secure. That is a path to remaining stuck, not to freedom.
Self-improvement, by contrast, fosters deep-rooted confidence without the need to impress others. You become genuinely interesting by investing in a meaningful life. The interest and admiration of others will naturally flow toward you. But it will not be a result of trying to impress. It will be a result of your being impressive.
You might think this sounds easier said than done. You're right.
But so what? Life’s most meaningful goals are nearly always achieved only after expending significant energy and taking risks. The incessant quest to impress others and the tenacious drive to improve yourself both require a great deal from you. Only one of them delivers a meaningful payoff.
The Path Forward
Initially, this will feel difficult. But with time, you'll grow more confident - especially if you pair this mindset shift with practical tools for overcoming anxiety and building healthier thought patterns.
You'll realize the main thing you need to prove is that you're a person of principle, character, and interest. When your focus is on these deeper, more meaningful aspects of life, something remarkable happens. You attract different people. They appreciate you for who you are, not who you pretend to be. That is, in the popular parlance of today, being authentic.
It’s worth noting that research shows that people others perceive as authentic generally have stronger, more satisfying relationships (Goldman & Kernis, 2002). These relationships, in turn, build genuine confidence that causes those old insecurities to fade.
This approach will require time and effort. But ultimately, it's far easier—and infinitely more satisfying—than the exhausting, nonstop work of trying to impress others.
References
Crocker, J., & Park, L. E. (2004). The costly pursuit of self-esteem. Psychological Bulletin, 130(3), 392–414. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.130.3.392
Goldman, B. M., & Kernis, M. H. (2002). The role of authenticity in healthy psychological functioning and subjective well-being. Annals of the American Psychotherapy Association, 5(6), 18–20.
Leary, M. R., & MacDonald, G. (2003). Individual differences in self-esteem: A review and theoretical integration. In M. R. Leary & J. P. Tangney (Eds.), Handbook of self and identity (pp. 401–418). Guilford Press.
Tangney, J. P., & Dearing, R. L. (2002). Shame and guilt. Guilford Press.
