That feeling of instant connection with someone new - the spark, the chemistry, the sense that you've somehow known each other forever - is one of the most celebrated experiences in romance.
The emotions that accompany this experience are heady, almost intoxicating. It can cause you to believe you have hit the romantic jackpot and are about to embark on the relationship of a lifetime.
The reality, however, is that this is seldom true. Worse yet, this type of reaction is often a red flag. It is a warning that you have found someone uniquely suited to break your heart, waste your time, and leave you feeling jaded about relationships.
As a psychologist who's worked for decades with men and women distressed by dysfunctional romances, I've frequently seen instant chemistry be a harbinger of doom. Had the person sitting on my couch taken a little more time, engaged in deeper reflection, and exercised a bit more caution when these feelings first arose, they would have seen it too.
But one of the problems such intense, sudden connections create is that they lull you into a false sense of security. You lower your guard. Your brain's frontal lobes, the seat of reason, take a siesta.
At first glance, you may think this is crazy. After all, many romance novels, and nearly all of Hollywood's romantic comedies, portray instant chemistry in glowing terms. The holy grail of dating. The Yellow Brick Road that leads to happily ever after.
Research tells a very different story.
The Dopamine Rush Isn't Love—It's Recognition
Let us look at Jill, a young single woman who has gone to a friend's summer barbecue. The backyard is crowded with happy conversations.
Jill is enjoying herself, humming along to the music, reaching for a hamburger when someone else grabs it and begins to walk away. It was the last burger, and Jill says "Hey, that's not nice!"
Jack, a young man with tousled brown hair and a broad smile, turns around, looking confused.
"You stole my hamburger!" Jill protests, now laughing.
"Wow. I mean, I wasn't even paying attention. But now that I have it, and you clearly want it… I'm wondering, what will you pay… I mean, as a hamburger ransom?"
Lame, Jill thinks, but kind of endearing. This initiates a conversation, and by the end of the party, Jill cannot believe the instant connection she has with Jack.
Two things were hijacked at the barbecue. Jill's hamburger, and her limbic system.
Jack is responsible for the theft of the hamburger, but it was the flood of dopamine in her brain that hijacked her emotions.
Dopamine is a neurotransmitter associated with reward, motivation, and pleasure. It acts on many brain structures, but in this instance, it targeted Jill's ventral tegmental area and nucleus accumbens (Aron et al., 2005).
This created the euphoric, can't-stop-thinking-about-Jack feeling.
But here's what most people don't understand: dopamine isn't responding to how good a person is for you. It's responding to how familiar they feel. Jack felt comfortingly familiar to Jill, which elicited a dopamine surge.
Stan Tatkin is a researcher who focuses on understanding attachment patterns in romantic relationships. In his book 'Wired For Love', he points out that 'instant chemistry' is often a signal that someone we've met behaves in ways that match our early attachment pattern. This is particularly true of insecure attachments (Tatkin, 2012).
In other words, your brain recognizes that a familiar relational pattern is being played out. Similar to hearing a song that carried special meaning for you in your childhood. There is a pattern, tone, and unique rhythm to the interpersonal interactions that evoke these strong visceral feelings.
This is worth briefly expanding upon.
Imagine that you grew up with a parent who was sometimes warm and sometimes distant. But, like all children, you eagerly desired a consistently close connection. As a result, you became adept at discerning subtle mood changes, altering your behavior in response, and you found security by acting submissively and striving for perfection.
Now, fast-forward to adulthood, and you meet a potential romantic interest who is likewise 'hot and cold'—texting constantly one week, going radio silent the next.
Although this should be a red flag, it is the opposite. Your brain responds to this hot/cold pattern of behavior by signaling, " Ah, this feels like home."
That's the click, the 'chemistry.' You're not falling in love. You're resonating with a relational prototype that is personally meaningful, old, and familiar.
The Trauma Reenactment Trap
You might be thinking, "But I didn't like having rejecting and inconsistent parents. Why would I be attracted to those qualities when I am an adult?"
Good question, and to be more nuanced, although this is true for many people, not everyone is attracted to the relational qualities they experienced in childhood.
The name therapists give for the tendency to feel attracted to current relationships that echo those experienced in a troubled childhood is 'trauma reenactment.' That is, unconsciously seeking out relationships that mirror interpersonally traumatic childhood experiences (Attachment Project, 2025).
Some theorists suggest that this reflects a person's continued desire to resolve, or heal, an early relationship wound. To re-enter the emotional arena wherein they were initially hurt, to re-engage in that battle, and win a healthier, more satisfying outcome.
Perhaps this is why research on attachment and childhood trauma consistently shows that men and women who have histories of emotional neglect, or inconsistent caregiving, when compared to individuals who had generally healthy childhoods, are more likely to experience an intense initial attraction to partners who recreate similar dynamics (Teicher et al., 2016). This often leads to codependent relationships where the chemistry feels intense, but the foundation is deeply unhealthy.
What Actually Predicts Relationship Success
The bottom line is that research on long-term relationship satisfaction shows that instant chemistry is a terrible predictor of relationship quality (Acevedo et al., 2020).
What does predict relationship happiness and stability? These qualities include:
Shared values and life goals
Similar conflict resolution styles
Emotional regulation skills
Secure attachment patterns (or willingness to develop them)
The ability to maintain a connection during stress
I know. It sounds boring. But if we look at this through the lens of Stan Tatkin's research, the things that build strong romantic relationships are those that create a sense of "secure functioning". Each of the above items checks that box.
They emphasize mutual agreement, prioritize the relationship over individual desires, reduce threats to each person's sense of safety, and highlight operating as a team rather than competing to satisfy individual needs (Tatkin, 2012).
That doesn't make for a great movie plot. But it does make for a great relationship and a rewarding marriage.
The Exposure Effect: Chemistry Can Grow
Before concluding that you need to settle for a relationship that lacks 'chemistry', it's important to understand that research shows just the opposite. It's not a matter of avoiding relationships in which you feel a deep connection, but rather of how you build such a relationship.
A sense of chemistry sometimes 'explodes' upon first meeting, but relationships are more likely to thrive when chemistry develops over time. As with many things in life, a deeper foundation requires more time to build. This is true of romantic relationships, and research provides insight into how this operates.
The 'mere exposure' effect (Zajonc, 1968), is at the heart of slowly building chemistry that lasts. 'Mere exposure’ refers to the well-documented finding that spending more time with someone generally results in having more positive feelings towards that person.
Greater time with someone is especially likely to lead to greater chemistry when it includes activities that heighten one's sense of risk, whether emotional or physical.
If you wish to intentionally test whether there is latent chemistry between you and a romantic interest, plan to spend some time 'pushing the envelope.' This might include river rafting, long hikes on difficult trails, or midnight swims in the lake/ocean. It could also include tamer activities as well, such as exploring exotic restaurants, taking cooking classes together, or spending an evening discussing deeply personal topics.
Many rewarding long-term relationships began with people who say, "I wasn't overly impressed at first, but as we spent more time together, things began to shift." That description indicates that their brain was learning a new, often healthier pattern of connecting with a romantic partner.
What Do You Do With This Information?
The take-home message is that when you feel instant, overwhelming chemistry with someone—especially if it's accompanied by red flags of some sort- the best response is to be cautious.
After all, when these heady feelings are running high, it's a good bet your limbic system (lizard brain) has kicked into high gear, and your frontal lobes (where reasoning occurs) are starting to go offline.
Under these conditions, you shouldn't do a lot of things. This includes taking out a million-dollar line of credit, deciding that cliff jumping is your new talent, starting an OnlyFans channel, quitting your dream job, or jumping into a relationship.
Instead, pause and take a mental step back. Ask yourself, "Am I feeling chemistry based on personal qualities I value and admire, or does this feel more like replaying past hurtful attachments in a happier way?"
Your goal isn't to avoid passion. You simply want to distinguish between a strong passion arising from a healthy connection versus one that emerges from the earlier painful and dysfunctional chapters of your life.
The first type of connection leads to satisfying, lasting intimacy. The other builds a foundation for heartache.
The best thing you can do for your love life is to be suspicious of the spark, the fireworks, and the instant chemistry. Quite often, this is a signal that your brain is trying to keep you safe by staying with what it knows.
The question is: are you willing to learn something new?
REFERENCES
Acevedo, B. P., Poulin, M. J., Collins, N. L., & Brown, L. L. (2020). After the honeymoon: Neural and genetic correlates of romantic love in newlywed marriages. Frontiers in Psychology, 11, 634. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.00634
Aron, A., Fisher, H., Mashek, D. J., Strong, G., Li, H., & Brown, L. L. (2005). Reward, motivation, and emotion systems associated with early-stage intense romantic love. Journal of Neurophysiology, 94(1), 327-337. https://doi.org/10.1152/jn.00838.2004
Attachment Project. (2025). Trauma reenactment and insecure attachment. https://www.attachmentproject.com/psychology/trauma-reenactment/
Tatkin, S. (2012). Wired for love: How understanding your partner's brain and attachment style can help you defuse conflict and build a secure relationship. New Harbinger Publications.
Teicher, M. H., Samson, J. A., Anderson, C. M., & Ohashi, K. (2016). The effects of childhood maltreatment on brain structure, function and connectivity. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 17(10), 652-666.
Zajonc, R. B. (1968). Attitudinal effects of mere exposure. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 9(2), 1-27.
