Anxiety, Depression and Ruts
Anxiety and depression are frequently found together. If someone struggles with severe anxiety, they likely have (or in time will have) significant depressive symptoms. Likewise, if someone is depressed, there is a good chance they wrestled with severe anxiety in the past.
Feeling stuck and helpless are typical symptoms of anxiety. Chronic helplessness leads to depression. That’s the reason why these two mental states, anxiety and depression, are often connected.
I work with many anxious and depressed patients. Often they have struggled with these problems for years. What is interesting is that their anxiety and depression was not always so severe compared to when they first came to see me.
These problems had started out on a slow boil and then gradually got worse. The ‘slow boil’ phase usually included some larger than normal stress, and a sense that life had lost its zest. The spark of anticipation for the future was no longer present. Day to day living had become dull and weary.
Mential Inertia (Stuck In A Rut)
The word ‘rut’ traces its history to the 16th century when wagons traveling repeatedly over the same path created deep furrows in the road. These ruts had the advantage of making the path forward very obvious and easy to follow. The disadvantage arose when repeatedly following these paths led them to become so deep it was difficult for a wagon to move off the path, or worse, they would become stuck.
When your life follows the same predictable routines for an extended time it very often leads to a sense of boredom and lethargy. Some describe this as being stuck in a “rut.”
I think it is better described as ‘mental inertia.’
In physics, inertia is defined as “a property of matter by which it remains at rest or in unchanging motion unless acted on by some external force.”
Mental inertia occurs when people stop dreaming. They no longer strive to reach difficult goals that stir their passions.
Perhaps worst of all, avoiding risk, the urge to ‘play it safe’ becomes more important than pushing yourself to chase after the sort of goals that had excited you in the past.
Psychological inertia is seductive. It offers rest from exertion - an opportunity to lay back and ride the momentum from previous efforts.
“Don’t dream too big, don’t push yourself too hard, and you’ll avoid getting hurt” is the unspoken message lurking in the back of their mind.
It’s human nature, almost a gravitational force, that pulls us to stay in our comfort zone.
People remain stuck in the same unsatisfying job because it feels safer than looking for something new. They don’t ask for a much-deserved raise for fear of upsetting their boss. Anxious that others may think they don’t belong in the gym with all those “athletic” folk, they stay at home watching television. Or they hold back from making new friends for fear of being rejected.
The list of mental inertia’s impact is truly endless.
With each act of avoidance, a little bit of ground is lost. A small retreat is made. Inch by inch and foot by foot you lose ground. The realization of your full potential drifts further away.
Avoiding risks and staying within your comfort zone comes with a psychological cost. It creates the uneasy feeling that something of fundamental importance is missing from life. As the years go by this feeling grows stronger.
Like a dark cloud, it begins to stretch over each day. In time anxiety, depression or both begin to form. But the gradual process by which this occurs can make it difficult for someone to understand why they feel this way.
How To Avoid Mental Inertia
The first step in combating mental inertia is to recognize it as a threat to your well-being, an obstacle to living fully.
The second step is to commit to pushing back against this tendency. This is no different than realizing that poor eating habits and a lack of exercise are bad for your health, and consequently committing to exercise more and make changes regarding what you eat.
The third step is to consider what your life would be like were you not held back by your desire to stay safely cocooned inside your comfort zone.
How would your life be different? To answer this question focus on the opportunities and possibilities that lay outside the boundaries of your comfort zone.
Keep thinking about this until you have specific images and ideas about the way your life would change. Write these down.
The fourth step is to pick one or two areas in life where you could push through the barriers of anxiety.
What would be a good first step? How can you go about taking that step and what would you need in order to succeed (support from family/friends, a change in your daily schedule, etc.).
Then ask yourself what the next logical step would be after this, and then the next and the next.
Don’t worry if you cannot map things out precisely. The main thing is to get started. Don’t overthink things
If you follow these steps you can be certain that a combination of success and setbacks await you.
Don’t let the frustrations and failures unsettle you. It’s part of the journey. They are inevitable. Keep in mind that failing is teaches tenacity and persistence. You’ll develop grit.
More importantly, when you push through the failure and eventually succeed, you’ll realize that setbacks are not the end of the world.
Before long you will begin to feel differently. The hold of inertia will weaken and break. Your confidence will build, and a renewed excitement about the future will emerge.
Mike’s Escape From Depression & Anxiety
Mike was a successful entrepreneur in his early 40s. He owned several businesses, the first of which he started as a college student. Throughout adulthood all of his energies had been wrapped up in developing these businesses.
Mike was a man with a mission. A single mission. Consequently, he had not married, had no close friendships, and no other interests in life outside of his businesses.
But having made more money than he ever imagined, Mike was in a crisis. He was profoundly unhappy. His entire life had revolved around the idea that financial success would create confidence, contentment, and joy.
All he felt was emptiness and a deep loneliness that stretched out like the barren Artic landscape.
This was Step One – Mike realized he was stuck in the rut of being focused solely on financial success. This focus had been driven by his burning desire to succeed, but his lack of rewarding relationships was driven by his fear of being distracted from his business.
Mike realized that for him to feel differently he needed to share his life with someone. This led him to consider dating. But that prospect filled him with anxiety that bordered on terror. He had not dated since college, and those experiences had been less than satisfying. Sure, some of the women he came to know were interesting, but for the most part he found that dating in college led to drama and distraction.
Now in his 40s, these many years later, Mike felt certain that dating would once again lead to distraction and drama. In addition, he thought rejection would be added to that mix because, as he said, “I don’t think I even know how to date.”
Despite this dystopic view he could see no other way to change the trajectory of his life which was, in his words, “Becoming a wealthy old man who was lonely, pathetic and miserable.”
Things had to change if he were to avoid that fate. The future he desired, the one that he began to map out, no longer focused on financial wealth but instead on being married, possibly having children, and enjoying a close circle of friends. Mike committed himself to pushing forward. This was Step Two and Three: he committed to making a change and developed a clear idea of what that change would bring into his life.
Eventually, he signed up with an online dating site, carefully put together a personal profile, and pressed the ‘ENTER’ button. This was Step Four: Mike picked one area of his life that he would focus on changing. That was to begin dating so that he would find a woman with whom he could share his life.
Three weeks went by and no one had ‘matched’ with Mike. This was devastating. It confirmed his worst fears. But he kept his profile up on the dating site as he figured he had nothing to lose.
Two more weeks elapsed and at last a woman reached out. He had been ‘matched.’ Mike was flooded with relief, a reaction that he also labeled as “pathetically desperate.”
For several days they exchanged texts. Then she stopped responding. He was ready to give up but remembered some of the setbacks he faced when starting his business. Had he given up when experiencing those failures he would never have succeeded. He decided to keep his profile up on the dating app but stopped texting the woman because, in his words “I’m beginning to feel not only pathetic, but a little like a creepy stalker.”
A short time later he traveled to a business conference to give a presentation. After finishing his talk several members of the audience approached him with questions. One of these was a young woman named Rachel. Her questions were insightful, and at times challenging. Mike was intrigued. It was nearly noon so after talking with her for half an hour he suggested they have lunch and continue their conversation. She agreed and they spent the next three hours in an animated exchange of ideas.
You’ll not be surprised to learn that they became romantically involved. Mike felt as though he had won the lottery. Unfortunately, not so much. Like many romances, theirs began to lose momentum after the initial power of novelty and lust flamed out.
Fourteen months after first meeting Rachel they amicably went their separate ways.
You’re probably thinking Mike was crushed and threw himself back into a solitary life of work.
You would be half right. Mike was crushed, but he didn’t retreat into his old lifestyle. That would have been the easy thing to do. Embrace mental inertia. Wrap it around himself like a security blanket and avoid more heartache.
Far from it. Mike was a changed man. For one thing, he had gained confidence in his ability to interact capably with attractive women. Moreover, during their time together Rachel had introduced him to aspects of life that he would have otherwise had no experience or interest in - specifically NASCAR racing, travel and fitness.
The success of having developed a meaningful relationship with Rachel buoyed Mike’s confidence and increased his desire to pursue his goal. Within the next six months he struck up a relationship with Cynthia, a 39-year-old former tech executive who, having tired of the corporate world, had quit her job and opened a small art gallery. After two years of dating they married.
Some years later Mike reflected on his decision to take the risk of failing at romance. “It felt like one of the most difficult choices I ever made. In hindsight, it seems obvious because I had everything to gain, and other than a bruised ego there wasn’t much I could lose. But back then, it felt nearly overwhelming. I can’t imagine at this point not having made those changes.”
And in case you are wondering, Mike still owns several businesses, but he spends less time involved with that part of his life than he ever has before.
Conclusion
Mental inertia is the enemy of us all. The desire to stay in your comfort zone is part of human nature. But some aspects of our nature should be fought tooth and nail. Just like selfishness, greed, and jealousy, each a deeply rooted part of human nature, must constantly be pushed back upon.
A thousand excuses will come to mind justifying why you should never stray far from your comfort zone, and why it is better not to push yourself. “Stay on the familiar path, even if it requires following a deep rut. Moving off to explore an unknown road could be dangerous” come whispers from the back of your mind.
Sometimes these voices make sense, but most often it is just fear speaking. The truth is that never pushing back, and never testing yourself, is much riskier than stepping into the unfamiliar.
The doorway to living life fully is very often guarded by the twin sentries of fear and self-doubt. Push past these sentries and you’ll be surprised at what you find.
