A great many men and women are dissatisfied with their dating lives. (This is especially true if your spouse is not supportive of the people you choose to date… kidding).

The ubiquity of dating dissatisfaction is at odds with the common romantic notion of the carefree life of a single person exploring a variety of intriguing romantic interests. It turns out that the reality of dating is often disappointing compared to the fantasy of dating.

But what accounts for this disparity between fantasy and reality?

Surveys of single adults suggest that the answer is multifaceted and in large part due to many people no longer feeling the desire to be in a committed relationship (nor are they willing to put as much effort into building a strong relationship as in the past). Add to this an increased expectation for sex early in the relationship with the subsequent problems that arise from feeling pressure for physical intimacy before a foundation of trust is built.

Another issue that makes dating unattractive is that approximately a third of men, and over one-half of women, say it is hard to find someone who meets their standards. Settling for less than what you think is needed in a relationship turns dating into a high-risk gamble. Similar to visiting Vegas and playing poker while blind folded. You might win, but no one is counting on it.

Lastly, about 45% of men, and 65% of women, report that finding someone who wants the same sort of relationship as they do is very difficult.  

It’s surprising, in light of these dreary statistics, that so many men and women continue to date. Surely these folks could find more rewarding ways to use their money, time, and emotional energies. Polka dancing, learning to play the accordion, and stamp collecting are just a few of the more exciting alternatives that come to mind.

Weeding Out The Deadwood

Solutions also come to mind, and at the top of the list is putting more thought into considering why you are dating. That is, what is your goal for going on dates?

Think about it this way, dating is no different than any other consciously directed endeavor. A goal is attached to the efforts you invest your time and energy into. For example, listening to the news is likely to have the goal of becoming informed about current events. Watching reruns of the television show ‘Friends’ is likely to be attached to the goal of punishing yourself…. OK, for some people the goal may be entertainment.  

Dating is no different. There are goals attached.

But if you have not given this any serious thought, and don’t know what your goal is when going out with someone, then you have no clear basis on which to judge whether your date was a success. In this case you will decide whether to make further dates on the basis of your feelings. If you enjoy yourself, you’ll go out again. If, by the time dessert was served, you had begun to daydream about other activities you would rather be involved with at that moment (like being waterboarded) well, in that case you’ll probably decline further invitations to date that individual.

Relying on the standard of “Did I enjoy myself?” for determining whether to continue to date someone is insane. It means relegating these decisions to your limbic system (your lizard brain). When was the last time you asked a reptile for help in making a decision? You see my point.

To steer your dating life in a more satisfying direction it is important to minimize the influence of the lizard and rely instead on your frontal cortex. The logical operating center of your brain. Do this by asking yourself “What do I want to get out of dating?”  

If what you want to get from dating is to find someone with whom you develop a deep affection and commitment, then it is important to screen out potential dates that have no similar interest. But how can you determine what it is that someone wants out of dating? That is, how can you determine if someone shares similar goals as you for dating?

The answer is surprisingly simple. On a first date, or sooner, tell the other person what you want out of dating and ask what it is that he or she desires.

I can hear your response “That is so uncool. I would sound like a weirdo.”

And my reply is “So what?”

Is your time and company of so little value that it doesn’t deserve to be protected by a simple question?

The statement of your goals, and question about the other person’s goals, simply make clear your reasons for dating while at the same time attempting to find out if these goals are shared. Knowing the answer to this question will save everyone involved a great deal of time and possible heartache.

What’s more, if you do end up deciding to go on a date with that person it helps you make a judgment about the wisdom of going on a second date. For example, perhaps you learn on the first date that the person you are with is dating for the purpose of finding a spouse. If that is not your purpose because you are determined to remain single and lonely throughout life, would it make sense to continue to date this individual?   

The answer of course is a resounding “No.”

I know of no other activities in life wherein men and women devote so much time and emotional capital on someone else without first determining whether that person shares the goal upon which these efforts are based. Being aware of whether the other person’s motives align with your own should be one of the first steps you make toward crafting a more rewarding dating life.

Of course, it doesn’t end there. You’ll still need to find ways to meet people who have similar values, those to whom you have a physical attraction, and so forth. But by making your dating goals clear from the start you will weed out many people that never should have taken up your time or emotional energies.  https://quitkissingfrogs.com/