Dating Someone Who Is Anxious

Anxiety is a very common problem. Although everyone at times becomes anxious, some people spend a good part of each day in this mental state. Because anxiety pushes a person to be on guard and react defensively it often creates relationship difficulties.

Fortunately, there are many effective ways to reduce or even eliminate anxiety. It need not be a life long sentence to living in fear. But what if you are currently in a relationship with someone who struggles with anxiety and you can’t wait around for them to ‘win that battle.’ What can you do right here and now to help make the relationship work out?

I’ll answer this by looking at three questions.

1. What are some of the relationship challenges that arise when
dating someone with anxiety?

The challenges will depend upon the type of anxiety. Someone who is OCD will present with different challenges than someone with social anxiety. 

Even so, the main theme that many will find difficult to work with is unreasonable fear getting in the way of enjoying activities that most would find appealing.

Using the above examples, the OCD person may find a spontaneous romantic evening uncomfortable because he/she becomes anxious when order and predictability are missing. The socially anxious person will want to avoid going to gatherings where he/she is expected to mingle with unfamiliar people.

When first dating someone with anxiety it may seem as though your anxious love interest is simply being selfish in his/her avoidance of engaging in certain activities. This misinterpretation of motives can lead to conflict that kills an otherwise promising relationship.

2. What is required to have a successful relationship with someone who is anxious?

Successful relationships with an anxious individual require three components:

A: Good communication regarding the source or underlying thinking that gives rise to fears. The anxious person needs to be open about his/her concerns.

B: Be understanding. You need to make an attempt to ‘see things’ through the anxious person’s perspective while at the same time not buying into that fear based view.

C: Accommodation (or compromise) is essential… but within limits. The anxious person will need to push him/herself to face those fears so as to engage their partner in a healthier way, and the partner will need to be patient while the anxiety slowly lessens. In time the fear will diminish if the anxious individual persists in fighting his/her fears. The degree to which you need to accomodate unrealistic anxiety will greatly diminish.

3. What can you do to make a relationship work with someone who is anxious?

Clear eyed empathy is important. It arises from the ability to see the world from another’s perspective. So a good start is to recognize that everyone has certain unreasonable fears. It’s part of the human condition.

When dating someone with anxiety think about some of your own ungrounded fears. Imagine if those fears were magnified, and how difficult that would be to overcome. This will give you a better idea of what your love interest is experiencing. In turn, this will help you be patient and less irritated by how they respond to their anxiety.

Next, show curiosity about the fears that challenge your partner.  Don’t dismiss them (don’t validate them either, but dismissing them as “silly” or “stupid” will not encourage change… nor does it do much for increasing the odds of another date).

Do not enable the person who is anxious. Just as you would not buy a six pack of beer for someone who was an alcoholic, it is important to not do anything that encourages further anxiety. This doesn’t mean you ignore their fears, or criticize them for being anxious.

Avoid trying to make them feel better by agreeing that their unfounded anxiety is in fact based on reality. It’s not. Instead you want to express confidence in the other person’s ability to push back against the anxiety, and show excitement about what life holds in store for them when the anxiety is diminished.

Their anxiety may never be entirely tamed, but it can be contained. That’s the goal.

Where To From Here?

Keep in mind that anyone you develop a relationship with will have ‘issues’, some rough edges that create challenges. You have your own quirks as well that only your mother considers endearing. It’s helpful to remember this so you can put the other person’s anxiety in perspective (i.e., they likewise are dealing with your rough edges).

Anxiety in a spouse, or love interest, should be looked at in the same light. It does not need to be a deal breaker. If both people are willing to put some work into the relationship, to be tenacious yet patient while working out solutions, you just may end up with an extraordinarily rewarding relationship.