How To Squash Fear and Build Strength in Your Child

Parenting is a challenge on the best of days. The challenges increase dramatically, however, when your city, state, and nation experience a crisis. The coronavirus has created just this sort of defining moment.

Although I think there are good reasons for believing that much of what we are witnessing is an over-reaction, there is a more important point to consider - especially if you are a parent with young children.  Namely, how will your children be affected by the way in which society, and your family, have been forced to respond to the sudden changes unfolding in response to the pandemic.

The reason many children will be psychologically impacted is that they sense their parent’s anxiety. This, in turn, causes children to become anxious.

Even more importantly, children naturally attempt to make sense of their day to day world. They take note when major changes occur in life, and then they come up with their own explanations for why things have shifted.

Let’s consider some of the thing’s children will have recently observed:

• School closings and students being told to study from home

• Parents needing to work from home as well, or worse, unemployed until given the signal that it is safe to return to work

• Long lines of customers in grocery stores with inventory of some essential items running out (who knew that you could make a fortune by trading in the toilet tissue futures?)

• In some homes parents have decided to stock up on several weeks of groceries and basic necessities

• News broadcasters somberly intoning that the end is near

• Overhearing adults talking about people dying from an odd illness that sounds a lot like dad’s favorite beer.

So children take this all in and then try to make sense of what they have seen, heard, and experienced. But there is a problem: most youngsters are not very good with the whole ‘making sense of’ effort.

In fact, very often they come up with really horrible explanations. When mom and dad divorce, for example, many children wrestle with figuring out “Why this horrible thing happened?” One of the most common answers they come up with is that they who caused the divorce… by misbehaving, getting poor grades, not doing chores, etc.

Yep, young children are not good at making sense of emotionally laden events when left to their own imagination.   

Which all points to the following: when young children try to make sense of the current panic, they are likely to come up with odd and unhelpful explanations.

As a parent you want to help guide your child’s thinking so that he, or she, develops a realistic understanding of what is taking place, and a confident response to the momentary changes in daily life.

In short, this is a terrific time to help your child build greater resilience.

OPPORTUNITIES TO BUILD STRENGTH

Although it could be easy to think of the coronavirus as only a source of problems, it also presents opportunities for growth. This is true with nearly every challenge your family faces. Keep in mind that the main objective of parenting is to raise children into strong, confident and capable adults who are able to successfully use their God given gifts, contribute to society, and raise a family of their own.

For a child to grow into this type of adult requires that he or she have the experience of successfully dealing with adversity. Children learn these skills, in part, by watching how their parents grapple with hardships. They also gain strength every time they successfully face some challenge (e.g., struggling with a school subject; not being selected for a sports team; when a friend lets them down).

The difficulties that the coronavirus have imposed upon families afford parents the chance to build a ‘tough as nails’ mindset in their children, and to further enhance the sort of resiliency they will need to become strong, capable young men and women.

How parents can facilitate this growth process is straightforward. Let’s look at five things you can start to do right now.

ONE: Give a clear explanation of the coronavirus.

How you discuss the virus will depend on the age of the child, but in general you want to convey that it is something like the flu, or a cold. This makes it feel familiar to your little boy or girl.

Then go on to say that it is just a new type of cold (or flu), and that means people are being extra careful. Doctors want to find out more about this new type of cold so they know how to make people feel better right away.

At this point you can move on to add that most children don’t get this type of cold. It is mainly older people (every child thinks his/her parents are ancient so it wouldn’t hurt to add that by ‘older people’ you mean those who were born before the advent of the wheel).

Now go on and say that to be extra safe many children are staying home, and even some moms and dads are working from home. But only for a little while. It’s not forever.

The last thing to do with your explanation is to ask if your child understands? If the answer is “No” then clarify whatever was not clear.

If the answer is “Yes” (and it seems like a sincere answer) you are good to go.

TWO: Discussions between adults about the coronavirus and related issues (e.g., shortages of supplies at the stores, the number of people testing positive, death rates, etc.) should take place in the absence of children.

THREE: Keep to your normal schedule/routine as much as possible. Some parts of your daily routine may inevitably change if your child’s school is closed, or you are forced to work from home.

But much of your routine can still remain as before. This includes bedtime, dinner time, the evening schedule of taking a bath, brushing teeth, a story and getting tucked in with prayers.

Be consistent with when your child wakes up, is out of bed and dressed for the day, and if home from school there should be a specific time when home study begins.

A schedule put up on the fridge can be helpful.

FOUR: Adding elements of fun into the day is also important. If you can maintain routines while also adding some enjoyable moments of family time all the better.

That may be walks to the park, a family drive that includes stopping for ice cream, indoor camping on the weekend, game night, and more. To help you get started I’ve provided a long list of links that will keep you and your child entertained and expand your horizons (virtual trips to National Parks, museums, concerts, puzzles, etc.).

The activities your family engages in now are likely to create some of the clearest memories your child takes away from this time of coronavirus public panic. The message you will convey by having some light-hearted fun is that there is nothing for your son or daughter to worry about.

FIVE: Have your child learn something new. This extended period at home is the perfect time for your child to learn a new skill. Or develop a new interest. Learning how to play a musical instrument is an obvious choice (although if your home is small, and the instrument is a violin, proceed with caution…. even the strongest mother or father may break after being assaulted for hours by the sound of a poorly played violin). Other possibilities include learning to cook simple meals; origami; drawing; story writing; wood working; stamp collecting; gardening; deep household cleaning (OK, I threw that in as a long shot but something that has a big upside). Would your child immediately be glad to engaged in such hobbies? Maybe not, but this is a good time to apply some encouragement and a strong push to get them started. If you are at a loss for ideas there are many sites on the internet that can provide inspiration.

SIX: If your children go shopping with you it may be that you are confronted by long lines and empty shelves. Younger children are not likely to express much curiosity about such matters, but slightly older children (age 6 years and up) will take note and think it strange.

If your child seems perplexed by what he/she sees just say that “Some people are nervous about this new type of cold and they worry that if they get sick they won’t be able to shop for a while. So just to be on the safe side they do a lot of shopping before they ever get sick.”

Then add “But our family doesn’t get scared like that… we know we have plenty of food even if one of us got sick.” Then go on to say something along the lines of “Remember when your brother got sick last Halloween? We didn’t run out of food, did we? Nope, we sure didn’t, and we don’t need to worry about these sort of things now.”

CONCLUSION

Before long the coronavirus will have passed. Society will begin to get back to normal. New challenges and possibilities will take center stage in your mind, crowding out your present concerns.

What can remain, however, is a growing sense of competency and resilience within your child. Qualities that were nurtured by you in the crucible of difficult times.

You will be able to look back to these weeks (or months), reassured in the knowledge that while others focused their efforts on building a small warehouse of food supplies to feed an army, you focused on building a foundation of strength in your child that will last a lifetime.