Everyone would like to find a ‘soul mate.’ In movies and books this sort of person is portrayed as being someone with whom you have a deep, almost spiritual connection. You feel whole and at peace when in one another’s company. They know your deepest secrets, the flaws you hide from others.

The soulmate binds old wounds, acts as confidant, friend, lover, counselor, cheerleader, protector, and when necessary even takes on a kindly parental tone.

“Wow, someone who fully appreciates the whole of me.” The real you can finally be known, without reservation. You share all the same values and life goals. It feels as though you were fated to be together, and in doing so you complete one another.

Sound good? I bet it does. It would be wonderful.

I’ve known people who spend a lifetime looking for their soulmate. And I’ve even known some who told me that they had found their soulmate. Most of the time this turned out to be a case of mistaken identity that took a few years, and sometimes a divorce attorney, to clear up. Close but no cigar.

Every one of these folk eventually recovered from their surprise and resumed their search. They were 100% certain that a special soulmate was alive and well, waiting to be found.

To my knowledge none of these explorers of love ever found what they were seeking.

That is likely because soulmates are a lot like unicorns. Beautiful, mystifying, and illusive. You’ll have a better chance locating Sasquatch than setting your eyes on a soulmate (at least as it is described in modern media).

Why? Because most of the time our romantic vision of this type of relationship is divorced from reality. It’s a beautiful fantasy.

That’s not to say you cannot find a wonderful person with whom you can fall in love, who is your best friend, cherishes you and with whom you can build a terrific future.   

That’s a reasonable ideal, and there are many people that have proven it to be possible.

But a soulmate, the perfect person described above, is an imaginary creature, not a flesh and blood human being.

If you are to ever have a happy, healthy, long term relationship, it is important to aim for what is realistic. Sure, aim high, but with your eyes wide open.

If you make it your goal to find a soulmate, the ideal person who makes you constantly feel whole, happy, and complete, then every romance will eventually end in disappointment.

Acknowledge that everyone has flaws (including you) and these imperfections are bound to show up in our closest relationships. No one can wipe away someone else’s insecurities, their selfish impulses, or past hurts.

A lover worthy of your affection will be understanding, but hopefully will still insist that you not let such impulses define you, nor hold you back.

A good relationship may diminish your hurts, and buttress your insecurities. But it will not ‘wipe the slate clean.’

To expect all of this is asking too much.

Aiming for a soulmate leads you to expect the stars. When you end up receiving the moon, you’re likely to feel short changed. Disappointment leads to intemperate thoughts. “Maybe it would be better to move on” you think.

After all, the real flesh and blood, flawed individual, who loves you does not make you feel ‘100% complete.’

Why settle for less when a ‘real soulmate’ waits for you somewhere else in the world?

This sort of thinking leads to constant disillusionment. It will cause you all kinds of pain. If left uncorrected it will lead you so far astray that you miss out altogether on developing a long lasting, fulfilling relationship with someone who cares about you deeply.

Instead of building that type of real life relationship you’ll end up chasing a phantom. You may become so disillusioned that you begin to fear commitment because someone who meets all these needs is just a flirtation away.

So put the idea of finding a soulmate on the shelf, right next to other fairytales, and think instead of the half dozen or so qualities that a spouse (or intimate partner) would absolutely have to possess in order to be a good match for you.

Write these qualities down on a piece of paper. But don't stop just yet. Also write down how you would know that a person possessed these qualities.

For example, if it’s important to you that someone be kind and compassionate how would you expect that to show up in daily life? Perhaps you glimpse this trait when the person is being thoughtful, volunteering for a charity, or helping family and friends even when it is inconvenient.

The more times you see this person acting kindly, and over a long period of time, the more confident you are that this is a quality he, or she, genuinely possesses.

After you’ve completed this list it’s time to write another. Don't neglect this step. It's just as important as the last list, but aimed in the opposite direction.

Jot down those qualities that you absolutely, 100%, without a doubt, do not want in a romantic partner.

There are some items on this list you will feel comfortable writing down, especially if most people would agree with you. An example of this characteristic would be avoiding anyone who cannot be trusted.

But there will be other items that you think are ridiculous. You'll hold back, question yourself and overthink the process.

Ignore your hesitation. If it is a quality that you honestly cannot live with then it belongs on this list. Perhaps, for instance, you cannot stand someone who smacks their lips when they eat. OK, admittedly, that seems a little petty. But on the other hand are you willing to spend 40 or 50 years hearing the smacking of lips at every meal?

Does that make you cringe? Yes? Then it goes on the list of qualities someone must not possess. (Yes, you might be able to get the lip smacker to stop, but don’t count on it).

Now you have a helpful list with two columns. It contains personal qualities that include those in the “Must Have” category, and another set of qualities that can be described as “Must Not Have.”

These are not abstract visions about what will lead you to a soulmate. Those pie in the sky targets of love are not helpful. They are too abstract, and prone to being confused with the initial giddy phase of romance that is permeated by infatuation and lust.

Much more helpful is a clear understanding of the important characteristics a person needs to have in order for you to build an intimate and happy life with him or her. 

Of course if the infatuation phase is missing despite all the right boxes being checked then it may be time to move on. Infatuation and possession of the characteristics you desire are not mutually exclusive.

This type of certainty about another person, based on their actions, should be trusted much more than the momentary feeling of being ‘soul connected.’ Staying focused on what you want in a person, and judging them by how they behave, will lead you to make better decisions about your relationships.

On the other hand, if you focus on finding a soulmate, then you are very likely to run down a very bumpy road chasing unicorns that remain always just out of reach.