Raising Healthy Confident Children
Recently a mother asked me a question that I’ve often heard. She was feeling stressed at trying to find a balance between parenting and keeping her marriage healthy and vibrant.
We've all been there: so busy devoting time to our children that there is little left to give to our marriage. If this imbalance persists long enough you end up feeling like you and your spouse are roommates that just happen to share parenting duties.
That is not a recipe for a fulfilling romance (and yes, your marriage should still include a sense of romance even though you are a parent).
Fortunately, the solution to this dilemma is straightforward. The main obstacle getting in the way of successfully balancing child-rearing and nurturing your marriage is guilt. Some of you reading this will disagree and say the problem is a lack of energy and time.
That’s true, but it doesn’t get to the heart of the problem. The reason many parents don’t have energy and time to focus on their marriage is because they feel guilty not pouring nearly all their focus on their children. They see other parents doing so, and subconsciously assume that this is what ‘best practices of parenting look like.
Don’t fall into that trap. Instead, read this mother’s question (many of you will sympathize with her) and think about my response. I bet it will make a lot of sense and just might inspire you to make some changes.
Question: My husband and I seldom have time to go on a date because our children (ages 8, 11, and 12) require most of our attention when we are not at work. Between keeping up the house, and taking our children to soccer practice, music lessons, and school functions, we’re left exhausted and without much free time. What can we do?
You clearly are very devoted parents who want the best for your children. Unfortunately, the approach you have taken is not only exhausting, but it also robs your children of some important experiences they need. When parents focus on their children to the exclusion of the marital relationship, they communicate that the children are the center of the world.
Yes, I know, you want to tell me that they are in fact the most important thing in the world to you. I understand, but let’s make a distinction between them being the most important thing in your life versus being the center of the world (which is what your failure to make time for your marriage communicates).
Is that a healthy perspective for them to develop? If your child believes him/herself to be the center of the world what impact will that have on their peer relationships? (Most peers will view the “I’m the center of the world” child as selfish). What impact will that have on how your child views discipline? (More likely than not, a child who is the center of the world will view most discipline as unjustified and cruel).
Will teachers respond well to your children if they carry over the ‘center of the world' persona at school?
And when they are young adults will their employers smile approvingly when they assert their central place of importance?
I’m going to assume you answered “No” to each of those questions.
Here is something that many mothers and fathers find helpful to remember. The job of a parent is to raise children who become healthy, productive adults who “play well with others.”
This is a great gift to give to a child. Feeling loved, valued, and recognizing that he, or she, is not the center of the universe. This gives them confidence and a healthy perspective.
If you are still unconvinced, take a moment to think about how many adults you have admired who believe themselves to be the center of the world? Not many, right?
More precisely, zero, zilch, none.
So why would anyone want to raise a child with the burden of believing the world should revolve around him/her? Of course, no parent wants to do that, but it is easy to fall into the trap of conveying that message by shortchanging your marriage relationship.
Please don’t misunderstand. Sacrificing for your child is a good thing. Even a noble thing. But it needs to be done with due consideration for balancing other things of importance. Such as the health of your marriage.
Conclusion
Children need to understand that they are deeply loved, that they are supported, and that their parents believe in them. They should not, however, grow up believing they are the center of the world. That saddles them with a liability.
To help your children develop a healthy perspective about their place in life you and your husband need to change your approach to parenting. How so you ask? Quite simply, it is by putting your marriage first and your children’s affairs second. NOT your children’s well-being second, but your children’s affairs (such as soccer, music lessons, help with homework, etc.).
This will mean that your children will not be involved in as many activities. Moreover, your children, even at this young age, will be doing more chores around the house (mom and dad are not the hired help, everyone needs to pitch in).
Starting now, as in “right away”, you and your husband should carve out a weekly date night.
Also, make sure that on most evenings of the week you and your husband have some ‘grown up’ time: 30 minutes or more just to yourselves. Sure, the children can be around, but they are not to interrupt your conversation.
If you take this advice and follow it for even a short time, the exhaustion will lessen dramatically, and your children will be comforted and strengthened by the devotion they see their parents expressing to one another.
Let me know how things work out.
