A word of encouragement is not just reassuring. At times, it is the very thing that changes the outcome of a struggle. A nudge that pushes us forward. A spark that rekindles the fire to pick yourself up and try once more.
Parents understand this, and it is one reason why many lavish praise on their children. At first glance, this tendency appears to be a good thing through and through. But research has shown that certain forms of praise can end up setting a child back. Hampering their success and bleeding away their resilience.
Before going into the specifics of why praising children can, at times, have a negative effects, I’ll describe something I observed the other day.
While at a local children's gym, I got to see a group of five- to ten-year-olds perform gymnastics. Enthusiastic parents filled the gym. One event required children to climb a rope. The first to try was a spry little girl who clambered to the top without breaking a sweat—a pint-sized Spider-Man who appeared capable of climbing with one hand tied behind her back.
The next kiddo was a lad of about seven years who looked like he had the makings of a future linebacker. He pounced on the rope with the zeal of a senior citizen at a Denny’s Silver Sneaker Special. After pausing for a moment he began to strain at the rope. Nothing. This was followed by another effort, and again, no progress. With a final effort, he groaned and made one final attempt. This last pull on the rope took him a foot higher before his grip failed and gravity sent him earthward.
In both instances, the parents of the children could be heard shouting enthusiastic praise. For the little girl it went something like “You did it Princes. You climbed right to the top.” The boy's parents just as enthusiastically yelled, “That’s the way to do it, Champ, you tried your best. You’re making progress.”
If this small sample of parenting reflected the general approach these mothers and fathers took toward encouraging their children, which child is likely to benefit the most? That is, which of the two children will learn to approach the challenges of life in a way that makes them most likely to succeed?
The answer is that the mini linebacker will receive the most significant benefit. By far. The contest isn’t even close.
Want to know why? Let me explain.
What Research Shows Us About Praise
When praise for children is focused on results, children fare worse than when praise is focused on the good qualities the child displayed in attempting to succeed. These qualities include effort, persistence, creativity, teamwork, planning, keeping calm, remaining focused, and more.
By praising these qualities more than the results achieved, parents teach their children valuable life lessons. They learn that mistakes happen, and they need not be afraid of failure. Setbacks are inevitable, but do not define them, nor do they dictate the final outcome. As a result, a child’s confidence takes root and grows.
These children are more likely to develop what is called a ‘growth mindset.’ That is a perspective characterized by the belief that one is able to learn, adapt and improve over time. Such children tend to be more persistent, less discouraged by failure, and their self-esteem is anchored more in their effort to improve rather than their latest performance (Blackwell, et al., 2007).
When children are praised only for the results they achieve, this leads to a ‘fixed mindset.’ This sort of perspective is a mental dead end. It assumes that someone has a set, or fixed, ability that will never change.
Life approached through a fixed mindset leads to frustration, timidity and a tendency to give up. Children raised with such mindsets tend to avoid challenges to safeguard their ego, fearing they may appear less intelligent, and are overly concerned about how others perceive them (Mueller & Dweck, 1998).
How To Encourage A Growth Mindset
The approach for helping your child build a growth mindset is straightforward. You can still praise success. It would be odd not to do so. The main focus of your attention, however, should be on showing appreciation and enthusiasm for the noteworthy qualities your child demonstrated in their attempt to succeed.
Think of it as though you are tending to a garden. Those areas of the garden that you put most of your focus on are those that will flourish most.
What is it that you want to grow in your child? Outward signs of success, or character? If your attention and praise are overly focused on having your child succeed, then he or she will also become fixated on outcomes. The character qualities your child brought to bear in attempting the task will take a back seat.
But if you focus your attention and praise on character attributes (such as persistence, discipline, and teamwork), your child will also come to greatly value these qualities. The bonus to this approach is that the application of these character qualities to the work of achieving life goals leads to greater success.
As a parent you will always have opportunities to encourage your child to embrace a growth mindset. These teaching moments are scattered throughout the day. For example, if your child studied for a test with the goal of earning an A but received a B you can say “I know you’re disappointed. Things didn’t turn out the way you wanted. But I’m proud of how hard you studied for this exam. I saw the extra time and effort you put into learning the material. That’s not easy. Good job.”
Keep in mind, however, that none of this prevents you from also providing guidance. In the above example, you might also add, “I wonder if there is another way to study that might be more effective for you? If you like, I can tell you about some of the ways I studied that were a great help to me.”
Don’t worry about getting it perfectly. This is an instance where close is good enough. If you keep your emphasis on recognizing character qualities over outcome you will do fine. (Again, this does not mean you fail to celebrate success, you just don’t place it as the highest priority).
Conclusion
Childhood is replete with challenges. By its very nature the years leading up to adulthood require children to master a successive series of challenges. Along the way a parent’s praise and encouragement are invaluable.
How this praise is delivered conveys a message that ultimately shapes how children perceive success, failure, and the challenges they face throughout life.
By concentrating on the essential qualities your child possesses in overcoming challenges, you teach valuable life lessons that your child will carry into adulthood.
References
Blackwell, L. S., Trzesniewski, K. H., & Dweck, C. S. (2007). Implicit theories of intelligence and achievement goals: A developmental perspective. In J. A. M. Meeussen, A. L. Moreira, & M. C. Oosterbeek (Eds.), Handbook of achievement and goal motivation (pp. 323-341). Academic Press.
Mueller, C. M., & Dweck, C. S. (1998). Praise for intelligence can undermine children's motivation and performance. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 75(1), 33-52. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.75.1.33
