Relationships require care and attention if they are to remain healthy. This is true regarding relationships between individuals, and those between an individual and a group (e.g., within a family, a team, etc.).
Invariably, some of this attention will involve repairing fractures in the relationship that arise when we have erred. One aspect of relationship repair is apologizing for mistakes, hurtful words, and painful behavior.
Apologies play an important function in relationship repair because they serve as a first step in rebuilding a bridge that has been burnt. They express a wish to heal a wound that has been inflicted.
An effective apology goes a long way to achieving these ends. A poorly crafted apology creates a wider chasm of hurt and mistrust.
Knowing how to effectively apologize is important, and knowing what not to say is just as important as knowing what to include in an apology.
A recent example of the way not to make an apology was provided by Representative Lauren Boebert from Colorado. What was the error for which she needed to seek forgiveness? Bad public behavior. Specifically, for having decided at a showing of Beetlejuice to engage in foreplay with her date, vaping, singing loudly, and ignoring repeated requests by other patrons and employees to forego all of the above until the show concluded (in older times this admonition would have been phrased as “get a room”).
When later called to task about her behavior she minimized the concern by writing on social media “It’s true, I did thoroughly enjoy the AMAZING Beetlejuice at the Buell Theatre and I plead guilty to laughing and singing too loud!”
So her initial reaction was to deny and minimize her misbehavior. As an apology, this is not an encouraging start.
Shortly thereafter, realizing that this first response was insufficient, she went further and wrote “There’s no perfect blueprint for going through a public and difficult divorce, which over the past few months has made for a challenging personal time for me and my entire family.” Then going on she added “I’ve tried to handle it with strength and grace as best I can, but I simply fell short of my values on Sunday. That’s unacceptable and I’m sorry.”
Much better. She begins the apology with what could be seen as an excuse (having recently been divorced) but quickly moves on to declare that she fell short of what is required of her, and for that she is sorry.
Had this been the end of her brief apology tour, Ms. Boebert would receive a passing grade for attempting to make amends. A first step in regaining public trust would have been made.
Unfortunately, she decided to extend her time under the bright glare of public attention by agreeing to be interviewed on television a short time later. In this venue, she employed a different strategy, that of admitting she had erred but then trying to contextualize her behavior. "First of all, what happened is I messed up. I went on a date night, and I am a congresswoman and a public figure, but believe it or not, I'm human, too."
Ah yes, the “I’m only human” gambit. Which is to say, who hasn’t had foreplay, sang loudly, and vaped at the theater?
Not content to leave this tepid half-apology alone, she also declared "It's been 20 years since I was in the dating scene, and back then there were not infrared cameras watching my every move, but it's a lesson learned."
The takeaway lesson from this apology is that had she only been wise to the ways of the modern world she would not have misbehaved because she would have recognized she might be caught. Rather like the incarcerated shoplifter who exclaims “I say constable, had I known the store had security cameras I would never in a million years have filched those Rolex watches!”
These sorts of addendums pretty much eviscerate an apology no matter how well-crafted its other elements.
Ms. Boebert went on to note that there are many serious issues facing the country and it is her heart-felt belief that our time is better spent on these concerns than on her recent raucous canoodling in a theater.
The pattern of response described above starts with denying and minimizing the misbehavior, followed by accepting responsibility and expressing regret, and then ends with a half-hearted mea culpa (“I’m only human”). The chef’s kiss, of course, is her suggestion that the public has more important things to focus on (I suppose because the public is comprised of simpletons who cannot focus on more than one issue at a time).
Lessons Learned
Ms. Boebert is not alone in finding it difficult to apologize. Doing so requires humility, and invariably includes a sense of vulnerability. Even so, the components of an effective apology are simple. It requires only two elements.
The first of these is taking responsibility for your actions. You do not need to claim that everything that resulted in another person being wounded was your fault. But whatever part you did play needs to be owned. No excuses.
The second element involves expressing regret for the distress your actions have caused. Not regret for the trouble it has landed you in, or regret for the change it has created in your relationship. The focus of regret is on the pain you have inflicted on others.
An example will help illustrate. If a husband has cheated on his wife, been found out, confronted, and wishes to try and repair the relationship it will require (as a first step) that he acknowledge what he did was wrong.
He cannot hide behind excuses for his behavior. “Honey, I’m sorry I cheated but you’ve got to understand that you’ve been really distant for a long time, and this other woman was warm, engaging, supportive and gave me what I really wanted all along from you. I feel awful that now we have this distance between us. You seem so cold.”
All of that may be true, and it may be that if his wife decides to try and salvage the marriage this information becomes important in the future. But as part of an apology it falls short. The husband has constructed a smoke screen behind which he attempts to justify his selfish behavior.
This type of apology fails the test of taking ownership of one’s actions. It also expresses his regret that he no longer enjoys a sense of intimacy with his wife but fails to express any concern for how it has impacted her.
Compare that apology with the same situation in which the husband goes to his wife and says “Honey, I’m sorry I cheated on you. There are no excuses. You’re the most important person in the world to me, but despite that I stupidly betrayed your trust and hurt you deeply. It’s gut-wrenching to see the pain I’ve caused you, and although I’ve no right to expect it I do hope that in time you’ll forgive me.”
In this example, the husband takes full responsibility for his actions and expresses remorse for the distress his actions have caused. It may not be sufficient to save the marriage, but it is a step in the right direction.
Application
These principles apply to apologies given for transgressions large and small, apologies offered to individuals or groups, and apologies offered in public or private settings. The path of apologies Lauren Boebert chose to follow shows how failing to adhere to these simple principles worsens the situation by promoting even less trust and raising lingering questions about one’s character (taking ownership for your actions is one important reflection of character).
The next time you need to apologize keep these principles in mind. Take a deep breath, then take the plunge. Although it is the more difficult path to follow at that time, it is your best chance of reclaiming what has been lost… including your sense of dignity.
