I want you to take a moment and imagine that you are on a cross-country ride in a large luxurious RV. You’ve spent the past year planning for this trip, being careful to get all the details figured out. Nothing has been left to chance. “Epic adventure” you think to yourself. Sure, ‘epic’ seems a little strong for an RV vacation, but that’s OK, you’re passionate.
The route you’ve chosen begins with a couple stops along the coast to enjoy the surf and beach, and plan on having dinner watching the sun set over the Pacific Ocean. From there you will go through the Painted Desert, up to the Grand Canyon, and spend several days hiking and rafting the Colorado River.
Upon leaving the Grand Canyon you have ten other specific destinations in mind. Some are out of the way National Parks, others include exciting large cities. At the end of your one-month trip you’ll arrive in Florida and take a cruise to the Bahamas.
The fridge is stocked, the RV topped off with gas, clothes packed, cruise tickets tucked away… you’re ready to go.
But then a long-lost friend drops by, sees the RV and tells you she has always wanted to travel across the United States. “Can I go with you?” she asks.
You want to say no, that as much as you wish her well that’s just not part of the plan. But you can’t say no, you just cannot get the word out of your mouth. So instead you smile and say “Sure, why not? That should be fun.”
An hour later four strangers show up at your house. The long-lost friend thought the trip would be so much fun she telephoned them and excitedly said they should ask you if they too could join in the adventure.
Again you have a hard time saying no, and instead hear yourself saying “Why not, sure, you can come.”
Late that evening, as you are about to sleep, 16 more people arrive at your home. Each of the four that just joined your travel group called four of their friends. Now they too are asking to join in on the cross-country trek.
Again, you are shocked to hear yourself agree. “Sure, I mean why not?” After all, it seems selfish to turn them away now that they are already at your home.
The next morning all 22 of you squeeze into the RV and start off for the coast. You’ve not gone more than ten miles before a guy named Spike tells you he cannot stand the sand, and saltwater makes his allergies act up.
“Hey man, can we just skip the beach altogether? That would be so narly.” Not someone to say “No” you agree, and begin to head off to the Painted Desert.
Pretty soon Julianna walks up to the front of the RV and tells you that all the food has already been eaten. “Can we stop to do some shopping really quick?” No is not in your vocabulary and you pull over to the next supermarket, go in and buy several hundred dollars of food for the large crowd in your RV.
When you get back in, thankful to start back on the road, Pumpkin is sitting behind the wheel. “I’ve always wanted to drive one of these babies. Mind if I take a turn?”
Of course you agree. You hate to say no, it might embarrass Pumpkin. “Sure thing. Just follow the directions on the GPS.” Pumpkin tells you she will follow them like a hound hunting a possum.
You push your way back through the crowded RV thinking this is a good time to take a nap. But when you get to the bedroom the door is locked. You knock. Back comes the reply “Hey, we’re trying to catch some shut eye! Could you please show a little consideration?”
Anger begins to rise up. You consider breaking down the door but decide not to… it’s a brand new RV after all, and you spent a lot of money for that beautiful imitation walnut door. “Breath, just breath” you say to yourself.
Looking over to your left you see the bathroom door open. No one inside! Quickly entering you bolt the door shut before sitting down in the tub and falling asleep. Waking several hours later you again fight through the crowd to squeeze into the front of the RV. “Hey, time to switch drivers, I’ll take over now.”
Pumpkin yawns and pulls to the side of the road. Slipping behind the wheel a sense of control begins to sweep over you. But this is when you realize that Pumpkin has not been following the GPS. “Hold on, where are we?” you ask.
“Oh, I’m not sure” she says looking up surprised. “Somewhere north that’s for sure, and if we keep up this pace we should be in Canada by morning.”
What happened to the Painted Desert? Pumpkin doesn’t like deserts, so she made an executive decision to visit the land of the maple leaf people.
The Importance Of No
Your life can be as carefully planned as a cross-country adventure, but if you do not learn to say “No”, it is unlikely that you’ll ever reach your destination.
That’s because making progress toward any goal requires saying no to other opportunities, intrusions and people. Reaching a goal requires intention, focus, and energy: some of which will be directed at excluding those things that get in the way of achieving your dreams.
A common example, one that hits home for most people, is establishing a deeply meaningful romantic relationship with someone special, a relationship that might lead to marriage. This will definitely require you to say “No” to other relationships.
But the same principle applies to nearly every other area of life. If you want to become strong and athletic, for example, you’ll have to say “No” to over eating, to laying on the couch all day, or going out with friends instead of getting after it in the gym.
The same thing applies if you have plans to get a college degree or learn a trade. This requires that you say no activities that keep you from studying or honing your craft.
Want a life that is peaceful and relatively drama free? You will have to say “No” to some people who wish to be your friend but constantly drum up drama and conflict.
You get the idea. Saying “No” is a way to set a boundary. It is like building a fence, or closing a door. An essential component to success. The word “No” is a guard at the gate blocking those things in life that will otherwise impede progress toward a rewarding career, a healthy relationship, peaceful home, and so forth.
It may be, however, that you find yourself having a tough time setting boundaries. Saying ‘No’ is more difficult than mastering rubrics cube. You hate to disappoint others and bend over backward to avoid conflict.
Take heart. Learning to say no is a skill. Like most skills, it can be learned. It just takes practice. The more you set limits the more you come to realize its not the end of the world if someone is disappointed or upset. That’s on them.
But the failure to say “No” is on you. And this lack of assertiveness will eventually create a life that is chaotic and frustrating. If you cannot say “No”, you’ll not be able to live up to your potential.
In the story above, had the person started off by saying “No” the entire trip would have ended much differently. Very likely with a wonderful adventure exploring many different sites and then sailing off to the Bahamas.
That outcome, however, required saying “No.” A simple one word sentence that would have required no explanation, no addendum or defense.
Your life is much more important than a cross-country road trip, and consequently even more deserving of good boundaries. We guard most those things we value most. A pack of gum can be left on the kitchen counter. A $20,000.00 piece of jewelery that is a family heirloom we put in a safe.
So, learn to say “No”, pursue your goals, and enjoy a simpler, fuller, happier life.
