A reporter recently asked me what someone should do with ‘toxic emotions.’ She was referring to feelings of bitterness, resentment, jealousy, insecurity, and embarrassment.
She then went on to be a little more specific and asked if it made sense to just ignore these feelings when they came up? Afterall, she reasoned, even if you do nothing at all these uncomfortable emotions usually fade away with time.
I responded that this is a bad idea.
A really terrible, horrible, no good very bad idea because it is based on a deadly falsehood. Toxic emotions don’t just fade away with the passage of time. Instead, when ignored, they often set up a permanent encampment within your life.
It may be a small unobtrusive homestead of mild jealousy at first. But soon some friends are invited. Resentment sneaks in, and then defensiveness, anger and bitterness decide to build homes in the same neighborhood.
Before long these unruly citizens of the mind begin to flex their muscle. They no longer show up only once in a while, but are daily guests who control more and more of your life.
They not only create great unhappiness, and make it easier to slip into anxiety and depression, but diminish your health as well.
A Different Way To Think About Toxic Emotions
Here is alternative way of thinking about toxic emotions. You are bound to have them come up once in a while, and this will result in one of two outcomes. You will grow stronger, or will become more entrenched in a defeated and defensive mindset (carrying around the burden of these emotions).
Hemingway put it succinctly: The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places.
Why not choose to be one of those that becomes ‘strong at the broken places’?
How To Grow Stronger As a Result of Toxic Emotions
STEP ONE: How can someone turn feelings of anger, betrayal/mistrust, jealousy, embarrassment and other emotions into a force for good? The first step is to recognize that painful events, and the emotions they sometimes give rise to, are catalysts.
What they become a catalyst for is up to you. It might be something you don’t plan on, and would never wish for: a growing sense of discontent that leads you to eventually become a chronically bitter person.
This result is most likely to occur if you simply ignore these ‘toxic emotions.’
But they can also be a catalyst for growth. A step towards greater resilience, an enhanced appreciation for others, and a more deeply rooted sense of tenacity to achieve life goals.
This result is most likely to occur if you make a focused effort to learn from the ‘toxic emotions’ and the events that caused them to rise up.
Such growth does not happen by chance. It requires intentionality. It requires effort.
This takes us to the next step.
STEP TWO: The second step is asking yourself “What did I learn from this experience?”
Do not be satisfied with vague generalities, but get specific.
“I learned at a deep level that life can be taken in a moment”
“I learned that if I don’t stand up for myself others at work will take my ideas and claim them as their own”
“I learned that giving my full trust to someone I had only met two weeks ago is unwise”
Notice that none of these lessons include over the top self-condemning statements such as “I learned that I am a fool.” That’s not helpful.
STEP THREE: The third step is to ask, “How can I grow stronger from this experience?” At this point you may want to grab a cup of coffee. It could be a long list you come up with for how you could grow stronger.
That’s fine.
Write down whatever comes to mind.
When completed put your list away for a day or two.
Let it rest. Your mind, even if you are unaware, will be processing these possibilities.
When you come back and grab your list again its time to read it out loud. Yes, out loud… it will have a bigger impact on you and provide some added clarity. No need for an audience, but read it out loud.
Select one item from the list you’ve just read out loud. This is what you’ll be working on in order to grow stronger in the months ahead.
Keep in mind when making this choice that the goal is not to select the one thing that appeals most to your emotions (e.g., ‘To get revenge and feel at peace’, ‘To find a place to hide and never be hurt again’), but rather the thing that honestly and truly will make you stronger.
This might be ‘To express my affection to those I love in more meaningful ways’, ‘To give my trust only to those who have earned it’, ‘To forgive the person who hurt me even though no forgiveness has been asked’, ‘To more boldly stand up for myself’, etc.
STEP FOUR: The fourth step is to make a plan to develop that strength (identified in Step Three above), and then follow through. Not just for a day, or a week, but as long as it takes so that the strength becomes a part of who you are – like adding a large supporting beam to your house where it is integral to the buildings structure.
Whatever plan you develop for this fourth step needs to be straightforward. Simple. Uncomplicated. That way you will carry through with getting after it. Making something happen.
An example will help. If the emotion you are dealing with is resentment that comes from feeling let down by a friend, the direction of growth you may be looking for might be learning to forgive.
The plan would be as simple as writing out what you wanted to say to the friend who let you down (something along the lines of letting him/her know why you feel betrayed, that you do not see it as characteristic of the best they have to offer, and your desire to put it behind you in pursuit of your friendship).
A time would be set aside to then meet with your friend, and follow through on your plan.
There are ways to speed up this process of learning, but count on it taking some time. Now worries. Just stick with it, and before long you’ll find that strength builds on strength, and toxic emotions really have provided a stepping stone for you to build a happier, richer life.
Conclusion
Everyone will wrestle with ‘toxic emotions.’ That’s just part of life.
But not everyone will grow stronger as a result.
Be the exception, be different. Learn, grow stronger, and as a result live a happier, fuller life.
