Every time you rescue your shy child from an uncomfortable social situation, you're teaching them something. But it's not what you think.
You're not teaching them they're safe. You're teaching them that they are not up to the challenge. That they are incapable.
And decades of research from Yale and elsewhere proves it: this instinct to protect is making their anxiety worse (Lebowitz et al., 2013; Lebowitz et al., 2019; Lebowitz et al., 2020).
Researchers have a term for this sort of parental reaction to a shy child's anxiety. It's called accommodation.
To be clear, this is not about blaming parents. If you are accommodating your shy child, it is due to a natural response to be protective. The problem is these efforts backfire. The instinct to protect your child from discomfort is keeping them trapped.
I'll explain why this is in a moment but first let's briefly look at the potential consequences of continuing to rescue a child from facing the anxiety that arises from shyness.
The Real Cost of Childhood Shyness
Compared to their more outgoing peers, shy children are at greater risk for bullying, chronic sadness, anxiety disorders, and submissively giving in to peer pressure (Kopala-Sibley & Klein, 2017; Rapee & Coplan, 2010).
Extreme, or persistent, shyness is also one of the stronger predictors of later social anxiety in adolescence and adulthood (Karevold et al., 2012; Coplan et al., 2004; Rapee & Coplan, 2010). Not only that, but shy children who are verbally bullied show increased risk for later substance misuse and depression (Kopala-Sibley & Klein, 2017).
Sometimes I hear parents brush off these concerns because they believe their son or daughter will "grow out of their shyness."
Studies find just the opposite: shy children are more likely, as adults, to remain shy and insecure, which in turn leads to delays in reaching important developmental milestones such as establishing mature romantic relationships (Karevold et al., 2012; Sandstrom et al., 2020).
Shyness is generally stable across childhood. In fact, over time, many children will become more shy as time goes by if there is no active intervention (Karevold et al., 2012; Rapee & Coplan, 2010; Lawson et al., 2023).
Moreover, children who remain shy once they reach middle childhood are even more likely to show symptoms of anxiety and depression as they grow older (Karevold et al., 2012; Rapee & Coplan, 2010; Lawson et al., 2023).
The take home message: Children generally do not "grow out of it."
The Science of Why Protection Backfires
For a shy child to grow confident he, or she, needs real life experiences of successfully facing challenges. This is true whether a child is shy or not.
You can easily see this when you consider how a child builds confidence in being able to stay the night at a friend's house. This confidence grows by them doing the very thing that creates anxiety – spending the night with the friend.
This may occur in small steps, that is by spending longer and longer play dates with a friend prior to an overnighter. Or it might occur by the child simply spending the night without this slow ramp up.
Either way, the confidence of being able to be away from parents and at another family's home overnight requires, in the end, having that experience.
When parents accommodate the shy child, however, they remove the possibility of having these confidence building experiences.
When your shy child refuses to order at a restaurant and you order for them? An opportunity for growth is missed.
When they won't go to a birthday party and you make excuses to the other parent? Another missed chance to build confidence.
When they freeze up meeting an adult and you jump in to speak for them? One more missed opportunity.
Decades of research now show that higher levels of parental protection (accommodation) are associated with greater anxiety, more avoidance, and a lower sense of confidence in anxious children (Jones et al., 2015; Storch et al., 2015; de Barros et al., 2020; Lebowitz et al., 2022).
On the other hand, parents who consistently help their shy/anxious child behave in age appropriate and confident ways end up with children who are significantly less anxious (Lebowitz et al., 2019).
That's worth thinking about: when parents stop rescuing, and instead respond supportively while holding the line, they end up helping their children make life-changing progress.
In fact, Yale research found that parent-based treatment focused on reducing accommodation is as effective as direct cognitive-behavioral therapy with the child (Lebowitz et al., 2019). You don't need a therapist to help your child overcome shyness—you need to stop accommodating.
The Solution: Practice, Not Protection
The solution is to systematically coach your child to act more assertively. This isn't about throwing them into the deep end. It's about:
1. Breaking challenges into small steps
2. Modeling what success looks like
3. Practicing together before real situations
4. Praising effort, not just results
5. Repeating until it becomes boring
Effective coaching requires persistence, patience, and understanding. The most common failure point? Parents giving in to the urge to rescue when their child shows distress.
This is trading long term security for a momentary sense of relief.
The Steps You Can Take
The best way to help your shy child become more confident is by having them behave as though they already felt bold and self-assured. Start with small challenges and work your way up to more difficult situations.
We're building skills and confidence one step at a time.
For example, you may decide your shy 7-year-old needs to begin by learning to say hello to adults. This may seem insignificant, but it's the start of becoming comfortable speaking with grownups. That makes it critically important. You want them to succeed, to gain confidence and momentum.
Begin by explaining to your child that you very much want them to be able to meet others without feeling anxious. With that in mind, you're going to teach them how to do this, and by the time they've learned this skill they'll feel terrific.
Your child thinks this is a bad idea, but you don't argue or go into lengthy explanations. Instead, you move on to teach the basic skill.
"OK, so the next time we meet one of my co-workers I want you to look them in the eye, put your hand out, and say 'Hello, it's nice to meet you.' That's it. Six words, a look in the eye, and a handshake. Got it?"
Your child thinks you've lost your mind, but nods in agreement anyway.
You add, "Now we're going to practice." At this point, you tell your child to walk into the room pretending to be the adult. You pretend to be the child and act out the brief encounter.
This is modeling the desired behavior. It helps if they see what you want them to do before they try it themselves.
"Terrific. See how easy that was?" Unimpressed, your child remains quiet.
"Now it's time for you to give it a try." You leave the room, walk in again, and wait for your child to go through the eye contact, hand extension, and "Hello, it's nice to meet you" sequence.
Be prepared to repeat this several times. Don't insist on perfection. Getting it close is fine.
This is the practice phase.
Now you arrange to take your child to work (or anywhere else you can introduce them to someone new).
As long as your child tries to perform the steps you taught them, count it as a success. Praise them for the effort.
Then repeat—as often as possible. Keep repeating until it becomes boring to them. Then move on to the next step.
What is the next step? There are many possibilities. It might be placing their own order at a restaurant, purchasing something at a store and saying hello to the clerk, inviting a friend over for a playdate.
With each child, the next step (and even the first step) may differ. The main idea is to continue choosing slightly more challenging situations that will grow your child's skills and confidence.
Before they're tasked with performing each step, go through the modeling phase. It's your job to help them be prepared.
After they attempt the step, provide encouragement. "Good job" or "I'm proud of you" goes a long way to increase motivation.
Where to Start:
Choose one challenge appropriate for your child's age:
· Ordering their own meal at restaurants
· Answering the phone when it rings
· Asking a store clerk where to find an item
· Saying hello to adults when greeted
· Joining a sports team or activity
· Asking questions in class
Start small, practice first, then gradually increase difficulty. The confidence your child gains will compound over time.
Conclusion
The benefits of overcoming shyness are enormous, whereas the risk of failing to develop greater confidence comes with lifelong burdens (Karevold et al., 2012; Rapee & Coplan, 2010).
Start today. Take the same love and devotion that motivated you to protect your shy child from facing their fears, and use it to help your son or daughter do the hard work required to build their confidence.
This article is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for personalized assessment or treatment. If you have concerns about your child's mental health, please seek advice from a qualified professional in your area.
References
Coplan, R. J., Prakash, K., O'Neil, K., & Armer, M. (2004). Do you "want" to play? Distinguishing between conflicted shyness and social disinterest in early childhood. Developmental Psychology, 40(2), 244–258.
de Barros, J., et al. (2020). Family accommodation mediates the relationship between child anxiety and functional impairment. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 70, 102189.
Jones, A. M., Kramer, R., Geffken, G. R., Barakat, L. P., & Sapyta, J. J. (2015). Family accommodation and pediatric anxiety: An examination of the relationship between parent-reported accommodation and child-reported anxiety. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 30, 47–55.
Karevold, E., Coplan, R. J., Stoolmiller, M., & Mathiesen, K. S. (2012). A longitudinal study of the links between temperamental shyness, social withdrawal, and internalizing problems in childhood. Child Development, 83(3), 1075–1088.
Kopala-Sibley, D. C., & Klein, D. N. (2017). Distinguishing types of social withdrawal in children: An empirical investigation of social disinterest, shyness, and avoidance in early childhood. Development and Psychopathology, 29(3), 939–954.
Lawson, G. M., et al. (2023). Developmental changes in the structure of shyness and internalizing symptoms from early to middle childhood. Child Development, 94(4), 1078–1093.
Lebowitz, E. R., Marin, C., Martino, A, Shimshoni, Y., & Silverman, W. K. (2019). Parent-based treatment as efficacious as cognitive-behavioral therapy for childhood anxiety: A randomized noninferiority study of Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions (SPACE). Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 58(10), 944–953.
Lebowitz, E. R., Omer, H., Hermes, H., & Scahill, L. (2013). Parental accommodation in childhood anxiety disorders. Depression and Anxiety, 30(1), 47–54.
Lebowitz, E. R., Marin, C., & Silverman, W. K. (2020). The role of family accommodation in pediatric anxiety: Conceptual and clinical considerations. Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Clinics of North America, 29(3), 501–515.
Lebowitz, E. R., et al. (2022). Family accommodation in pediatric anxiety: Relations with avoidance, self-efficacy, and treatment response. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 155, 104103.
Rapee, R. M., & Coplan, R. J. (2010). Conceptual relations between anxiety disorder and fearful temperament. New Directions for Child and Adolescent Development, 2010(127), 17–31.
Sandstrom, M. J., et al. (2020). Pathways to and from social withdrawal: Antecedents, correlates, and consequences in childhood and adolescence. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 49(2), 315–331.
Storch, E. A., et al. (2015). The role of family accommodation in pediatric anxiety: Associations with clinician-rated severity and functional impairment. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 35, 75–81.
