Teenage Insecurity

Adolescence and insecurity go together like hot sauce and heartburn.  

Unlike hot sauce, however, the teen years are unavoidable.

The exuberance that comes with having more freedom, the anticipation of adulthood, and living on the threshold of adulthood come at a cost.

This includes hormonal changes that can make a teen feel as though he or she is on a bipolar roller coaster ride.

Increased pressure to perform well in school, athletics, and elsewhere. Looming decisions that need to be made about their future (whether to go to college, trade school, military, etc.).

Added to this stress is the emotional house of mirrors known as teen romance. Sexually charged relationships are a new, exciting, and sometimes terrifying expectation.

Permeating this mix of challenges, hanging over it like the morning fog blanketing San Francisco, is the ever-present pressure of peer judgment.

With all of this to contend with, many teens become intensely insecure. So much so that these years become a painful marathon to endure rather than an exciting challenge from which they emerge stronger and ready for adulthood.

If you, as a parent, are uncertain if your teen is experiencing too much insecurity, watch for the following:

• Stops pursuing past passions/interests without any apparent reason. This can happen because the teen feels insecure when comparing his/her performance to that of peers.

• Is not attending after-school functions such as dances, football games, ‘spirit rallies’, etc.  Usually a result of not feeling as though he/she fits in with peers.

• Becomes embarrassed when seen in public with family. A result of the teen believing that others will view him/her as ‘a little kid tagging along with family.’

• Socially isolated. Teens that are socially isolated have failed to achieve a major milestone: establishing themselves within a well-functioning peer group. This often arises due to shyness stemming from deep insecurity.

• Frequently stays home from school due to illness. Insecure teens will, at times, use medical excuses to avoid attending school and the fears that arise when in the company of their peers.

• Extreme acting out. Not infrequently insecure teens will accept a peer member’s dare, or simply act out on their own initiative, in order to win their peers approval.

The Role Of Parents In Helping Their Insecure Teen

Parents of teens often feel that the role they play in their child’s life has become greatly diminished. The youngster who in the past eagerly sought out their approval now frequently seems indifferent and sullen. When teens are asked how their day went parents are met with a terse “Fine.”

The bold parent who presses for more information may be met with “I said ‘fine’, there’s nothing more to say.”

It’s tough to blame parents for thinking their adolescent son or daughter does not need, let alone desire, their involvement.

The truth is that you continue to play a critical role in boosting your teen's confidence and self-esteem.

Most teens do not want to admit this: after all, they want to feel ‘grown up.’

For teens, being an adult means they do not need their parents (pro tip: this passes, and in their late teen years, or early twenties, you will see a dramatic change).

Before moving on to look at specific ways you can help, we need to take note of what is causing the insecurity. Knowing the underlying cause helps us zero in on the most effective method of turning timidity into confident assurance.

The major reasons teens feel insecure include:

• Rejection by their peer group (real or imagined)

• Not living up to their own expectations

• Failing to meet adult expectations

• Self-perception of physical flaws

Helping Build Accepting Peer Relationships

If you have read other articles I’ve written, you won’t be surprised that I emphasize helping children build healthy peer relationships very early in life.

These close friendships help a child learn how to understand others, resolve conflicts, assert themselves, and much more. Ideally, a child enters the teen years with these close friendships already in place. This provides a buffer from the impact of feeling rejected by other peers that they come to know.

But if your teen does not have these sorts of close peer relationships when entering adolescence, there is still much that can be done.

Keep in mind that the goal is to help your child have a sense of belonging and acceptance. This can be accomplished by having your teen join a club or become involved in athletics.

Although sports teams are one of the more common places where teens find acceptance, many other opportunities exist as well including band, theater, the school newspaper, the yearbook club, and more.

These are terrific options for the isolated teen because they afford nearly instant affiliation with other students who share a mutual interest, and a shared sense of purpose.

Note: None of these groups will help, however, if they have an unhealthy tendency to be critical, exclusive, or bullying. Keep your eyes open for negative dynamics.

Helping Teens Set Realistic Expectations

Our expectations are, for the most part, governed by:

• Past experience

• Reasoning

• Desires

The mature adult develops expectations by drawing from a wealth of past experience, employing sober reasoning, and doing one’s best to not let desires interfere with coming to a sound conclusion.

Teenagers on the other hand have very little experience to draw upon. Their reasoning skills are not fully developed (the frontal lobes of their brains are still developing), and emotions wash over their decision-making like a herd of stampeding cattle.

Helping a teen develop realistic expectations requires equal amounts of reassurance and common sense. The youngster who believes he should excel at every sport, earn a 4.5 grade point average, and be friends with all the popular kids will be disappointed.

Wise parents understand that these expectations most often arise from their child’s perception that this is what he, or she, thinks are required in order to be both happy and valued by others.

Realizing that this is the underlying motivation, parents can help by employing a two-step process.

One: Reassure your son or daughter that your affection and love for them is based on ‘who’ they are (their character), not their achievements. Two: Express admiration for your teen’s ambitiousness but suggest that the focus of these energies is best directed toward being the best they can be at what matters most.

Meeting Adult Expectations

One of the paradoxes of adolescence is that while teens strive to become ‘grown up’ and accepted into the world of adults, they frequently appear hell-bent on alienating the most important adults in their lives. Good times, right?

This happens because needing adult approval feels childlike, which is the very opposite of what a teen wishes to experience. Particularly with regard to parents.

As a consequence, it is easy for parents to believe that their approval does not matter. Don’t let yourself fall into the trap.

The best way to help teens feel reassured that they are meeting your expectations is to be sure that they are clear and reasonable. The other thing to keep in mind is the importance of not overreacting when an expectation is not met.

If your teen is headed toward college after high school, it is important to make reasonable expectations about grades. Not all students will achieve the coveted 4.5 GPA. Nor will every student be admitted to an Ivey League school.

Making these goals an expectation puts unnecessary pressure on a teen, and often leads to significant mental health concerns. If your child desires these goals, and has the capacity to reach them, great. But pushing an adolescent who lacks the ability, or the desire, to reach these goals is a recipe for significant insecurity and conflict.

Lastly, teens benefit greatly when they are engaged in part-time work. It puts them squarely in the world of adults and their success in the workplace provides a powerful experience of adult acceptance.

Resolving Insecurity Regarding Physical Appearance

Concerns about physical appearance is one of the most common sources of insecurity among adolescents.  

Their bodies are rapidly changing, and teens that are somewhat delayed in their physical development are prone to be especially self-conscious.

Added to this is the ubiquitous problem of acne, and the ever-present social comparisons regarding what brand of clothing is worn.

All of this makes for a bit of an emotional firestorm of insecurity. Social media consumption then acts to further ratchet up a lack of self-confidence.

There are, however, several things a parent can do to help. In the following, I briefly describe four ways to increase a teenager’s acceptance of their physical appearance.   

1.    Limit social media.  Over 50% of teens ages 14 through 17 years state that they use the internet ‘almost constantly’ each day. Much of that use is focused on social media.

Within this modern age jungle of self-promotion, the teen compares his/her worst fears and self-loathing with the highlight reels and air-brushed vanities of other teens. This is a recipe for adolescent insecurity.

Your teen will object, but limit internet access to two hours a day. This is easier than you might think. You pay the phone bill, and many phone carriers have online dashboards that allow you to control internet usage. Apply similar restrictions on computers.

No, you cannot prevent all internet usage. Your teen will find ways around the limits you set.

But even so, you will have reduced overall time on the internet. That goes in the win column.

2.    Role model good self-image in the home. This is straightforward. Do not criticize your teen’s appearance (yes, that’s something some parents do), and don’t make fun of your own appearance.

In fact, don’t focus on physical appearance in general. Take a realistic look at how often you mention your own or others’ attractiveness (or lack thereof). If it comes up often then dial those comments down. Teens very often interpret such comments as reflecting what their parents value.

3.    Provide help with obvious issues. This aspect of offering help seems obvious, but I’ve seen many instances when parents did not act to provide the help their teen needed.

Acne is common among teens, but this does not mean that the adolescent who has severe acne feels less self-conscious as a result. Providing effective guidance regarding skin care, and a dermatologist appointment, can do wonders for your teen.

The proliferation of junk food, coupled with sedentary activities, has resulted in a massive spike in teen obesity. Don’t let your child fall into this trap. The simplest solution is to avoid buying junk food when grocery shopping and insist that your teen be involved in vigorous physical activity.

This might mean joining a sport but could also be a personal exercise program. Emphasize the adage “A healthy body, a healthy mind.”

4.    Make plain within your home that what you value more than any outward achievement, much more than physical appearance, is a person’s character. That includes your teenager’s character.

You can do this by telling your teen what they have done that you admire (because it reflects on their character), and by openly admiring others who demonstrate exemplary character.

Action Plan For Building a Self-Confident Teen

The effort to help a teenager be self-confident is best started long before the teen years begin. Even so, it’s never too late to begin to turn things around. This begins by understanding what gives rise to teenage insecurity.

Most often it involves fears of peer rejection/ridicule, unrealistic expectations imposed either by themselves or others, and insecurity regarding their physical appearance.

Although it is impossible (and unrealistic to expect) to resolve all sources of insecurity, it can be much improved. This not only provides some much-needed relief for teens, but also allows them to focus on what matters most – preparing to successfully enter the world of adulthood.