Teen Depression And Anxiety
Forty percent of US parents are “extremely” worried that their children will struggle with anxiety or depression at some point, a recent Pew Research survey found. Another 36% of parents are at least ‘somewhat’ worried about these same concerns.
In light of recent trends these findings are not surprising. For example, during the COVID 19 pandemic mental health related emergency room visits for children 12 to 17 years of age increased by 31% compared to one year earlier.
The National Healthcare Quality and Disparities Report noted that “Nearly 20% of children and young people ages 3-17 in the United States have a mental, emotional, developmental, or behavioral disorder, and suicidal behaviors among high school students increased more than 40% in the decade before 2019. Mental health challenges were the leading cause of death and disability in this age group. These trends were exacerbated during the COVID-19 pandemic.”
What’s more, suicide became the second leading cause of death among children ages 10 to 14 years.
The Challenges Teens Face
Even when one puts aside the stressors associated with the recent pandemic, adolescents face a daunting set of challenges that increase the likelihood of mental illness.
Teens are, after all, in the middle of one of the biggest transitions they will make in their lives, moving from childhood to adulthood.
This includes massive changes in relationships: romance, responsibilities as employees, friendships based not just on mutual interests but shared values, independent decision-making where parents no longer have same degree of control (and teens often feel ‘childlike’ when parents exert control), consequences of poor decisions increase dramatically, increases in peer pressure (often aimed at rebelling, pushing limits, behaving in ways that they think signify their being grown up, alc/drug use, sex), increased self-judgment and with that usually comes self-condemnation
To make matters more dicey teens begin to pull away from parents during this time of life, and rely more upon their peers for advice, comfort, and a sense of belonging.
All of this, within reason, is healthy. It may be stressful, but the teen pulling away from parents and having a growing reliance upon peers, especially close friends, is simply preparing them for that time in life when they will live independently.
When this goes well and the teen grows into adulthood, he or she nearly always re-establishes the warm mutually affectionate relationship with parents that existed prior to the teen years. Their success at having navigated the challenges leading into adulthood nearly guarantees this result.
But when the challenges have not been successfully navigated, teens grow into young adulthood and resent their parents, frequently becoming dependent upon them at the same time. Forming appropriate adult relationships is often difficult for this group of young men and women, and forming a healthy family of their own is less likely to occur.
Mental health issues that arise in the teen years as a result of this stress make success all the more difficult to attain. The most common of these issues include anxiety and depression. It’s not difficult to understand why teens are especially vulnerable to becoming depressed and anxious in light of the challenges they face.
There are things that can significantly reduce the likelihood of teens falling into one of these mental health pitfalls. The one that I wish to focus on in this article is the quality of peer friendships.
When children enter their teen years with a group of quality friends, many of the negative forces they will confront in the years ahead are softened. Consider the following short list of potentially negative forces every teen encounters:
Peer Pressure
Feelings Of Inadequacy
Rebelling Against Parents
Confusion about their future direction in life
Ignoring Priorities (long-term goals, schooling, living according to one’s values)
Sense of Isolation
Good friends provide a bulwark against these pressures. Friends help a teen resist negative peer pressure, shore up confidence, dampen rebellion, and by example help their peers stay focused on real priorities.
A poor-quality peer group, however, invites teens to engage in reckless behavior that provides a momentary sense of empowerment and approval but carries high risks for long-term negative consequences.
Think of the teen years as being similar to sending your son or daughter on a six-year journey across the wilderness in the company of other teens. If faced with this prospect I’m certain you would do everything in your power to place your son or daughter in the company of other teens who were mature for their age, clear thinking, devoted to friends, and embraced high moral values.
Teens who have even a small group of good friends are much better able to deal with both the pressures of the teen years and the next phase of life, early adulthood. A study published in the journal Pediatrics found that teens who have a close group of supportive friends (and family) are 66% less likely to struggle with mental health issues as young adults.
So you are convinced that friendships in adolescence are absolutely crucial for your teen’s mental health and preparation for adulthood, yes? But now you’re wondering what you can do to help make certain your teen enters adolescence with the advantage of good friendships. That’s what we turn to next.
Helping Your Child Learn To Build Robust Friendships
You begin this process by teaching your son or daughter how to select good friends when they are still very young children. As early as pre-school this instruction should begin.
When setting up play dates look for children who have the sort of qualities/character you are trying to instill in your own child. This does not mean every child your kiddo has for a play date needs to have the same temperament as your little tyke (in fact, it’s best if your child interacts with many different temperament styles). But look for specific qualities in the other children who you select for play dates. Is the child kind, does he/she show self-control (appropriate for his/her age), honesty, respect, etc.
Seek out other children with an eye toward their character, not necessarily their temperament.
Later, as your child gets older, it is helpful to explicitly talk about what makes for a good friend. Most children are capable of having these talks by the age of six or seven. Such conversations should focus on the common sort of friendship qualities that children become keenly aware of by that age: dealing with friends that are selfish, bossy, attempt to embarrass or humiliate others, show themselves to be disloyal, are frequently inconsiderate, etc.
It’s helpful to contrast this with friends who display generosity, cooperation, consideration, loyalty and patience.
These talks with your child should be aimed at helping them be more discerning about the qualities that make for a good friend (both in others and in themselves).
It will likely be necessary for you to limit access to other children that you believe are a bad influence – when you do this explain your reasoning to your child (don’t argue, just give a brief explanation).
Don’t worry if your son or daughter becomes angry with the limitations you impose. Your job isn’t to be on your child’s list of ‘most favored adults.’ Being swayed by whether your child is angry with you only leads to heartache.
When your child gets into the pre-teen years begin to host friends on a frequent basis. This may require you to ‘up your game’ regarding how interesting your home is for the youngsters who visit.
It is not necessary to go overboard, but it is helpful if your home is one that pre-adolescents and teens find to be welcoming and enjoyable to visit. A trampoline or ping pong table can be a huge asset in this regard. But I’ve known parents who make their home ‘the meeting place’ simply by their welcoming nature, and a healthy supply of snacks and sodas.
By making your place one of the gravitational centers of your child’s friendships you are able to get clear insights into the quality of the other youngsters that visit. You also get a clear idea as to who well your son or daughter is able to navigate some of the challenges of these friendships (because it unfolds right before your eyes under your own roof).
Use this information to make informed choices about who your child spends time with, and likewise use these insights to guide conversations about your child’s evolving friendships.
Lastly, keep in mind that your child is observing your own friendships. Do these relationships mirror what you are teaching your child to aim for in their own friendships?
Conclusion
When you take the approach described above your child, upon reaching the teen years, will have developed a core group of friends that, by the very nature of their personalities, assist your efforts to move your son or daughter successfully through this phase of life.
What’s more, you will have taught your teen an invaluable skill that he/she will use for a lifetime as new friendships are forged through the later phases of life.
