One of the hallmarks of healthy adolescent development is the ability to form healthy relationships. This is a foundational skill. It prepares the teen to enter adulthood ready to form close friendships and establish a meaningful relationship with a person of the opposite sex with whom they can form a strong bond leading to marriage.
The teen years are the testing ground where these skills are honed and refined. Those teens who succeed in learning how to form close supportive relationships with trustworthy individuals are rewarded richly.
These teens are more likely, later in life, to have marriages that are supportive and satisfying, and long-lasting friendships. In turn, research shows that people with satisfying relationships tend to live longer, have fewer health problems, and enjoy better mental health.
Teens who fail to learn how to build healthy intimate relationships, however, are more likely to spend a lifetime with regrets and a poignant sense of isolation.
Not surprisingly, one of the most important types of relationships that teens must learn to navigate is that of an intimate romantic nature. Such relationships have very high stakes attached to them. This includes pregnancy, STDs, moral misalignment, changes to self-perception, and more.
As when entering any high-risk activity, the decision to initiate a sexual relationship warrants serious thought.
Most teens, however, are incapable of adequately engaging in such deliberations. Maturely weighing the risks of becoming sexually active is a skill not yet in their mental wheelhouse. The adolescent boy or girl who cannot be trusted to legally buy cigarettes, or vote for their local councilman, is certainly not in a position to rationally weigh the pros and cons of having sex.
And yet, teens are confronted with these sorts of judgments throughout adolescence. Opportunities abound. Peer pressure to ‘act like a grown-up’ is ubiquitous. Social media promotes the idea that decisions regarding sex are no weightier than choosing a partner for a fun afternoon of tennis.
Wading through this cultural confusion, and fueled by powerful hormonal changes, over 40% of teens end up deciding to have sex before they graduate from high school.
Research paints a grim picture of the risks that come with this choice. These include a higher likelihood of attempted suicide, an increased risk of developing anxiety and depression, and greater likelihood of a failed marriage later in life.
WHAT MAKES ADOLESCENT SEX SO RISKY FOR MENTAL HEALTH?
Although there are many possible reasons that early sexual behavior increases these threats to a teen’s well-being, it seems likely that a major factor relates to changes in the adolescent brain that occur as a consequence of these experiences.
Neuroplasticity is now a well-established fact. The brain has the capacity to change (neuroplasticity), not only in early childhood but throughout the human lifespan. Because the adolescent brain is not yet fully formed, its capacity for neuroplasticity is particularly high.
One of the ways neuroplasticity takes place involves forming new synaptic connections (‘wiring’ between brain cells) in response to different experiences.
An example of how experiences alter neuro-connections is found in the brain’s response, early in life, to spoken language. Individuals who grow up in areas of the world where the ‘r’ sound is not part of their language end up not developing synaptic connections within the brain that control the tongue in ways needed to produce this sound.
Consequently, as adults, these individuals will struggle to acquire fluency in verbalizing words with the ‘r’ sound when they attempt to learn a new language with Western origins.
The synaptic connections needed for forming the ‘r’ sound were not developed earlier in life because the requisite experience was missing. With a great deal of work an individual can eventually acquire that capacity, but with much greater difficulty than had they been exposed to the language when they were younger.
So too it appears that sexual experiences taking place early in life when the brain is not fully formed are likely to influence how other types of synaptic connections are formed. Most especially synaptic connections associated with emotional bonding.
When teens have sex they are engaging in bonding experiences that help ‘wire’ or mold synaptic connections in ways that may have long-lasting ramifications for how they relate to others.
Examining what happens at the neurochemical level during sex helps explain why this occurs.
When adolescents engage in sex (or even protracted hugging/kissing) their nervous systems release oxytocin. This neurochemical is known to stimulate feelings of connectedness, trust, and well-being associated with another person. (Both males and females respond to oxytocin, although some evidence suggests that for men vasopressin, another neurochemical, tends to play a bigger role in bonding).
One can think of oxytocin as the equivalent of relationship duct tape. It helps bond people one to another (not surprisingly nursing mothers have high levels of oxytocin). When teens have sex their still developing brains begin to be molded in such a way that sexual intimacy becomes associated with feelings of well-being, trust and sublime connectedness with another.
This powerful amalgam leads many teens to intensely crave repeated experiences, and consequently they re-orient their priorities, and lower their standards, in order to gain this ephemeral reward.
But as one author insightfully notes, repeated sexual experiences outside a loving committed relationship frequently results in a diminished capacity to emotionally bond with one’s partner. “The inability to bond after multiple sex encounters is almost like tape that loses its stickiness after being applied and removed multiple times.”
It is similar to when the person who has experienced a drug-induced high attempts to recapture that mental euphoria by repeatedly using drugs. Eventually, the drug no longer has the desired effect, and the person is left feeling dependent upon a substance that no longer brings about the desired result.
The problem with teen sex, as opposed to sex taking place in a mature/committed relationship, is that it normally ends up having little to do with healthy long-lasting connectedness, trust and well-being.
The momentary feelings of euphoria are a chimera. They falsely point to something the teen desperately desires, but cannot be found in casual sexual encounters. Indeed, the very opposite is likely to be created when one of the most intimate of human encounters is treated with casual indifference.
When teens continue to chase after this experience by having more sexual partners they end up feeling more isolated, defeated, broken and in despair. It should not be surprising that this group of teens is more likely to feel anxious, depressed and at times suicidal.
SAFEGAURDS
There are a number of things parents can do to help their teenager avoid the dangers that arise from having sex early in life. Some of these include:
ONE: Having the father in the home (and if this is not possible, having the father be actively involved in their children’s lives)
TWO: Discuss with your teen the dangers associated with early sexual experiences. Some parents worry that this will make them a hypocrite because they engaged in sex as a teen. On the contrary, this simply means you speak from experience and would like your teen to avoid mistakes that you made.
THREE: Teach your teen to be assertive. Very often teens have sex because of peer pressure. They need to learn to push back against this pressure, and also to develop a healthy distance from those who would attempt to have them engage in activities that they wish to avoid.
FOUR: Help your teen understand that alcohol and drug use makes them more prone to using poor judgment, including the decision to have sex when they otherwise would not.
FIVE: Be certain to know whom your teen is dating, insist that you meet with them, and be clear that you are interested in your son or daughter having healthy relationships.
SIX: Teach your teen to limit the amount of physical contact he/she has with dates. The adage “Don’t start the car’s engine unless you plan to drive somewhere” applies to physical contact.
SEVEN: Encourage your teen to have an ‘accountability’ partner who is equally committed to not becoming physically intimate during adolescence.
SUMMARY
Teenage sexual activity is not a harmless exploration of ‘maturing sexuality’ between two young people but rather a high-risk exercise that can have lifelong consequences. The adolescent brain is not capable of making sober judgments regarding sex. But it is capable of being molded by sexual experiences in such a way that the teen begins to crave the fleeting sense of intense connectedness he/she found through sex.
As a parent your job is to guide your teen through the minefield of adolescence. This means leading your son or daughter to make the most of their interests and abilities, while also helping them avoid the pitfalls that might otherwise impair their ability to form rewarding and healthy relationships as adults.
Sound daunting? It is. You cannot leave the guidance of your teen to chance. Even though adolescents will often appear to push parents away, they need their support and wisdom as much as ever.
Continue to encourage, cajole, restrict, praise, and discipline in ways that you know are in the best interest of your son or daughter. These years go by quickly, soon your teenager will be a young adult, and the rewards of your efforts will be clear.
