Divorce is devastating. Research shows that for many men and women, it ranks as one of the most upsetting life events.
When caught in the grip of such poignant pain, it is essential to hold onto some fundamental truths.
Your world feels torn and shredded – keep moving forward
The first year or two are the toughest. Feeling disoriented becomes the new norm. Emotions can shift quickly from one extreme to another. One moment, you feel happy and optimistic; the next you find yourself at the bottom of an emotional gulch. Regrets and second-guessing can haunt you.
There is no escaping this difficult chapter. Some turn to alcohol, spending sprees or promiscuity. None of those helps. Instead, they numb the pain momentarily and incur a debt that will come due later.
Embrace the fact that you need to find a new way forward. Be patient. Show yourself grace. Each day, put one foot in front of the other. Persistently apply those skills that have served you well in other difficult times. You’ll eventually regain your footing, experiencing a sense of long-forgotten optimism and pleasure in the simple joys of life.
Lonely Doesn’t Mean You’re Doing It Wrong
You will feel lonely. That’s part of grief. When someone, or something, has been lost we grieve.
Divorce is the death of a marriage, and every marriage carries with it dreams, hopes, and memories. The future you had once counted upon is lost. A large part of the past has been so drastically rewritten that sweet memories which had previously sustained you now cause your heart to ache. Or worse, they have been relabeled as meaningless fakery.
The pain of all this makes you feel lonely. But unless you were already a loner, this is not your destiny. It is a momentary, painful phase that reflects the depth of your feelings for the marriage.
Although there is no escaping grief, you needn’t be acutely lonely. Reach out to family and close friends. Let them know what would be helpful.
For the time being, avoid new romances. Entering a romantic relationship when you are disoriented by divorce is a recipe for further hurt.
Stability Is Built on Small Routines
The old and familiar routines enjoyed during marriage are dissolved. It’s time to build new ones. Start small. Start wherever you like. But start developing new routines.
These will become habits. A source of deep satisfaction providing a sense of stability. This might involve starting each morning with meditation, savoring a cup of coffee in the backyard, or engaging in a quick workout routine. Be sure to include nighttime routines as well. Begin and end the day with an exercise that helps you feel more grounded and increases your peace of mind.
Don’t Miss Out On Hard-Earned Lessons
The dissolution of your marriage may not have had anything to do with you. But that is unlikely. More often than not, both people played a role, even if your spouse was the primary cause.
It is easy to feel the sting of divorce so deeply that valuable lessons are missed. It is human nature that, when deeply hurt, we look away. Taking ownership for our part is painful.
Don’t give in to this impulse.
Instead, look back on your marriage and think about what you would do differently if you knew then (when younger) what you know now. What difference would that have made? What would you change about yourself? What difference would that have made?
After gleaning whatever life lessons you can, move on. Don’t beat yourself up with “what ifs” and “if only” thoughts. That serves no purpose.
Take the hard lessons you’ve learned, be grateful for being wiser, and move forward.
Your Children Are Hurting – Talk To Them
If you have children, they will suffer because of the divorce. Accept this fact, then work to minimize its impact. Talk with your children about their reactions to the divorce. In their mind, the two people they love the most in the world hate the two people they love the most in the world.
That feels like an emotional ball of feelings that is impossible to untangle.
It’s your job to help them do the impossible. Over time, you can succeed.
Start by not speaking poorly about your ex-spouse. In fact, praise your ex from time to time. Put photos up that show them in a good light. Your goal is to help your children avoid feeling the need to choose sides. When children take sides, one parent will often be demonized while the other is elevated, making the child’s dilemma that much more painful.
At the same time, don’t discount complaints your child may have about their other parent. Listen sympathetically but restrain yourself from piling on due to your own anger and hurt.
Some People Will Drift Away
You may be surprised that certain friends drift away. Consider it an important revelation about the quality of that friendship. Disappointing? Yes. But you are moving on, and what you need are true friends, not those who leave when times get tough.
Spend your energy nurturing relationships with those who are supportive. Let others with whom you are close know what you need from them, but also be sure this does not become a one-way street where the focus is always on you. No friend wishes to constantly be in the role of an emotional paramedic.
Conclusion
Divorce is gut-wrenchingly difficult. It signifies the death of dreams, strewn with broken promises and bruised feelings. Recovery takes time. Some wounds heal slowly. Be patient, but also be persistent. Eventually, the anger, hurt, and fear recede as a new way forward begins to take shape.
If you are recently divorced, remind yourself that this is a single chapter, not the entire book of life that you are writing. Push forward tenaciously, knowing that happier days are ahead.
