Practical insights and advice regarding anxiety, depression, trauma, parenting and more.
A little known fact is that vigorous physical activity frequently causes depression and anxiety to diminish over time. This can occur rapidly, with significant improvement seen in just a matter of weeks. One form of exercise that has recently been found effective is ‘bouldering.’ If you are not familiar with this term if means to climb or scramble…
Retail therapy is often seen as a way of papering over problems that require focused attention. "Worthless", "wasteful" and "a sign of avoidance" are all terms that have been used to describe this approach to dealing with the stressors of life. But it turns out that retail therapy has some upside including...
Three common but often overlooked cognitive biases easily create major blind spots in the early stages of a romance. If you understand how these blind spots arise, you can more effectively weed out those men or women who would be a poor romantic match. That's a big win.
Think of this knowledge as an emotional "survival skill."
After all, you want to put your energy into relationships that are most likely to be rewarding and fulfilling but avoid those that leave you disappointed, betrayed, and sometimes bitter.
The first bias to consider is “self-essentialist reasoning.” This term refers to a common bias that begins with the idea that people tend to assume that everyone has a core or essential essence. This core essence, in turn, is unchanging and responsible for driving a person’s behavior.
There is a tendency to be attracted to and think the best of those with whom we believe we share our core essence.
Examples of "core essences" include being empathetic, courageous, adventurous, or creative. None of this is to imply that research shows that people can be defined by a core essence, only that we have a bias that assumes this to be true.
How does someone come to conclude what another person's core essence is? Here is where the unconscious bias comes into the picture because our tendency is to first categorize others based on attributes we share in common, and then assume that these shared attributes also reflect a shared core essence.
An example of this bias is believing that because someone shops at an organic grocery store, and you too shop at that store, then this other person also shares your political views, drives an electric car, and wants to save the environment.
That is, because they share some superficial similarities, they also share deeper, more essential similarities that reflect your own essence.
One way self-essentialist reasoning influences romantic attraction is through the illusion of compatibility. When we meet someone who we believe shares our own essence, we tend to believe they possess many other important core similarities, which in turn makes them more attractive.
Although you could be correct, it is best to assume that the jury is out until more evidence is presented. The risk of falsely believing that you share deeply important qualities with someone to whom you are attracted is that you will then begin to develop a relationship with someone who, in fact, lacks the foundation you are counting upon.
This is a recipe for later disappointment and heartache.
The halo effect refers to a psychological bias wherein our positive view of one aspect of an individual tends to unconsciously push us to view that person more positively in other areas as well.
This is similar to the "self-essentialist" bias, but the difference is that it does not focus on an assumption of sharing core personal qualities. That is, we do not begin with a belief that we and another person share the same core essence. Instead, it is enough that the other person displays some virtue or quality we highly admire. This, in turn, leads us to assume they also have several other desirable qualities.
For example, the extremely successful person you meet may then be assumed to be organized and focused as well. The self-confident person may also be assumed to be a good decision-maker and of superior intelligence. These are examples of the halo effect.
This bias can also enhance romantic attraction as it leads us to credit potential romantic partners with virtues they lack and downplay their flaws. The result is an idealized version of the person we desire, but not an accurate understanding of who they truly are in life.
When our idealized view of someone conflicts with reality, a mental battle occurs, and reality always wins.
Physical attraction often provides the initial spark that draws individuals together. When physical attraction is strong, people tend to assume that the person is not only attractive but also possesses a number of other desirable qualities.
This bias is known as the "what is beautiful is good" stereotype. Put another way, attractive individuals cause us to automatically assume they have any number of other desirable (yet unproven) qualities.
Someone who is perceived as physically attractive, for example, may also be seen as kind, intelligent, or trustworthy, even in the absence of any supporting evidence. The handsome and beautiful people of the world benefit, in first encounters, by having many other desirable qualities attributed to their "win column."
It would be unfair to begrudge them this benefit. After all, they are not intentionally attempting deceit but are simply enjoying unearned points awarded by how the human brain works. But it would be unwise to not appreciate how this dynamic may be at work the next time you find yourself in the throes of strong attraction.
Beware of assuming too much. No matter how beautiful or handsome the target of your affection, they are no more likely to have those other qualities you seek than the less attractive individual standing next to them.
The first step in minimizing the impact these biases have on a developing romance is to simply be aware of their presence. Seldom do you find an absence of their influence in the early stages of a romance. Being aware of their presence allows you to take steps to minimize their impact.
You can do this by considering what draws you to that person. Take some time to really pinpoint the specific qualities that you find attractive. Then, reflect on what leads you to believe that your love interest truly has those qualities. What's the evidence?
If you end up feeling stumped when looking for supporting evidence of these attractive qualities, this should raise red flags of caution. Take a step back emotionally and consider whether you are under the influence of one of the three biases we've discussed.
Perhaps they do have these qualities but the relationship is too new for them to have fully emerged. Or perhaps you are only desiring that they exist. Either way, you will want to follow up with candid conversations about these specific concerns.
It's essential to cultivate open and honest communication. By candidly discussing one another’s needs, desires, and concerns, a deeper understanding of each other will develop, and clearer choices can be made regarding your desire to move forward or end the relationship.
Although codependency is not an official psychiatric diagnosis, it does describe a type of relationship style with which many have become familiar. When engaged in a codependent relationship, a person will constantly stifle his or her opinions, interests, and life pursuits. This is no way to live fully. By following three pieces of advice codependency can be escaped, opening oneself up to new possibilities and a richer life.
Anxiety can get in the way of achieving important goals. One of these goals is something nearly everyone shares: building a healthy, long-lasting, intimate relationship with someone with whom they will share a lifetime of experiences. Instead of remaining frustrated with a series of failed romances that have been sabotaged by anxiety, wouldn’t it be better to learn how to tame these fears and then enjoy what you’ve long sought after?
Rejection sensitive people deeply wish to establish rewarding intimate relationships, but they are convinced that potential partners will in some way hurt or betray them. Consequently they misread the behavior of their love interests, reading too much into what are in fact innocent gaffs or clumsy statements. These misunderstandings lead to conflict, and the eventual end of the relationship.
A soft, easy life is not worth living, if it impairs the fibre of brain and heart and muscle. We must dare to be great; and we must realize that greatness is the fruit of toil and sacrifice and high courage... For us is the life of action, of strenuous performance of duty; let us live in the harness, striving mightily; let us rather run the risk of wearing out than rusting out.
Theodore Roosevelt
The sign on the back of the rusty old VW bus read “If it feels good… do it!”
What an appealing idea. Carefree and uninhibited gratification.
For some, this mantra is so attractive that it morphs into a lifestyle aimed toward building the happiest life possible.
On the face of it this makes sense. If you wish to live a happy life, then simply do that which brings pleasure.
Such an approach to life is not new. A student of Socrates’ named Aristippus (435 BCE) developed it into a philosophy about what makes for a richly rewarding life. He concluded that a good life was one in which pleasure is maximized and pain minimized. This was called ‘hedonism.’
But research on happiness shows that a hedonistic lifestyle doesn’t deliver on its promise.
Aristippus misunderstood the nature of the human psyche, and consequently developed a misguided prescription. What he failed to appreciate is that people require more than pleasure in order to thrive. Just as a body requires more than pleasant-tasting food for optimal health.
What hedonism misses is that people are most happy when they have a sense of purpose.
When men and women identify their purpose in life, it results in their viewing everyday interactions and sacrifices as being imbued with significance. As a result, happiness grows.
The ancient Greeks called this ‘eudemonic’ happiness. You can think of it as happiness with deep roots.
The Cost of Deep Happiness
If happiness that is deeply rooted comes from living a purpose-driven life, what does it cost to win this prize?
The answer to that question becomes clear when considering what’s required to seriously pursue a meaningful purpose. Other competing interests and desires must be ignored, and almost invariably a certain degree of pain must be endured.
For example, if one’s purpose is to bring joy to others by dancing in a professional ballet company, that individual will have very few hours free to relax. Sore muscles and blistered feet will be their constant companion.
If soldiering is one’s purpose in the pursuit of safeguarding your country's freedom, then that person will sacrifice many of the freedoms that others take for granted. Multiple deployments away from family will also await them, as well as numerous cold, rain-soaked nights outdoors.
Although it may seem counterintuitive to suggest that the road to real happiness runs through a gauntlet of privation and sacrifice, research, suggests otherwise.
Living a life of purpose requires generosity in that it demands that a person subjugate his or her desires (and at times their wellbeing) in the service of something greater. This is the very opposite of the “If it feels good do it” prescription for happiness.
What Is Required To Succeed?
Across the nearly infinite types of purpose one may pursue in life, all will require tenacity, grit, and a commensurate level of skill. Undergirding each of these will be a sense of duty. An unshakable conviction that one is obligated to pursue the path on which their purpose leads them.
When a strong conviction is missing that it is your duty to pursue your purpose, staying the course becomes nearly impossible.
Self-doubt creeps in and gains a foothold in your mind.
Seductive excuses for wavering from the path crop up more frequently.
Setbacks weigh more heavily than they should.
Stew Smith, former Navy SEAL and personal coach for those going into Special Forces selection has summarized the importance of this quality by stating that the mental attitude of “I would rather die than quit” as the single biggest factor that separates the successful Special Forces applicants from those that withdraw.
Giving yourself wholeheartedly to duty can be intimidating. But the rewards are great. When you place yourself on the anvil of duty, submitting to the hammer of discipline and the sacrifices that fulfilling your duty entails, your character becomes refined, shaped, and strengthened. This is most true when the duty to which you have harnessed your commitment is a high and noble calling.
Anyone can make this choice. It is independent of status, finances, education, or geography. Everyone has the opportunity to pursue a high and noble path.
What’s more, over time you will find that this leads you to be infinitely happier than those who have spent years chasing one pleasure after another.
The bottom line is that everyone has a purpose to pursue in life. Don’t wait. Find yours now and start down the path towards its fulfillment.
Pulling back the curtain on those secret places of the heart is both exciting and painful. Vulnerability is required. This is the price that must be paid to seize the prize of deep and mature intimacy with another.
Most men and women yearn for this type of connection. This in turn makes it a very odd thing that despite the value with which such intimacy is held so few people appear to understand how to build it, and just as important, how it can be maintained.
Most adults find themselves settling down at some point in a committed relationship, and yet some choose to avoid any significant commitment to a partner. There are four common reasons that people are “commitment phobic.” If you are wondering why your current partner won’t commit (or why you’ve never managed to commit to any of your own past partners), the answer is likely one of the four reasons explained here.
Antidepressants are a commonly relied upon solution to help reduce the symptoms of depression. But many people do not respond well to these medications, and many more experience significant side effects. Research shows that there is an alternative that is free of side effects, and equally effective in combating depression. This alternative is far too often overlooked, despite the impressive body of research that supports its power to diminish depression.
Relying on the standard of “Did I enjoy myself?” for determining whether to continue to date someone is insane. It means relegating these decisions to your limbic system (your lizard brain). When was the last time you asked a reptile for help in making a decision? You see my point. To steer your dating life in a more satisfying direction it is important to minimize the influence of the lizard and rely instead on your frontal cortex. The logical operating center of your brain.
Apologies play an important function in relationship repair because they serve as a first step in rebuilding a bridge that has been burnt. They express a wish to heal a wound that has been inflicted. An effective apology goes a long way to achieving these ends. A poorly crafted apology creates a wider chasm of hurt and mistrust.
Healthy intimacy combines a sense of belonging with a sense of being deeply appreciated and desired. Because healthy intimacy involves being prized despite your flaws and shortcomings, this depth of belonging is rare. It requires building a sturdy foundation of trust, a prerequisite for genuine self-disclosure. This process is risky and consequently, time-consuming. Many people, however, try to take shortcuts. They substitute…
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